DID
by dollegirl
Summary: What happens when Bella saves Edward from the clutches of a skank in a coffee shop? He wants her to be his girlfriend of course! The problem is, they only just met. Will she say yes?
1. Chapter 1

**D.I.D.**

**What happens when Bella saves Edward from the clutches of a skank in a coffee shop? He wants her to be his girlfriend of course! The problem is, they only just met. Will she say yes?**

**A/N**

**First and foremost many thanks to my beta, the Queen of Derbworld. Without her assistance, this chapter would have been full of misplaced comma's and a total grammatical nightmare. You make my days complete and fun; I am honored to be your Fan Club President. **

**This story came to me one besotted evening and has been sitting on my computer for a few months. So now I'm posting.**

**I also want to thank Goo82, Ereeen and cdunbar for their encouragement to continue this drunken idea and being my practice readers. I LOVE YOU ALL! **

**I promise nothing great and don't even care if you review. This is more or less for my own entertainment. Feel free to come along for the ride. **

**EPOV**

"Eddie!" My body stiffened automatically at the sound of the banshee's voice.

"Yoo hoo! Eddie!" The banshee was closing in. I could feel a change in the air as it suddenly became very thin and I was struggling to breathe. I made no effort to turn around; instead praying to whoever might be listening that the very mouth of Hell would open right then and there in the middle of Starbucks and swallow her whole.

I suddenly felt two very cold and clammy hands wrap across my face and cover my eyes. _Damn. No such luck. _

I could feel the hot breath on my ear before the words had even emerged. Then, in what I'm sure she thought was a seductive voice she said, "Guess who Eddie?" My first guess was Death, as that was something I was desperately wishing for at that very moment. She was still uncomfortably close to me, her jaw smacking what I hoped was a piece of gum and not a condom from some kind of freak encounter before she decided to get a drip coffee. It wouldn't have been the first time.

I eventually sighed in reluctance and said, "Hello Tanya." The hands were slowly removed from my face, all the while dragging her acrylic nails in the process. _I wonder if she could gouge my eyes out with those things_?

As my eyes re-adjusted to the light, I could faintly make out her physical form standing before me. I couldn't decide if this was better than her standing from behind. I eventually decided that it was better for her to be where I could see her. Emmett's words echoed in my head: "C_areful not to bend over unless you want them to check your oil_." I made a mental note to thank Emmett. The banshee spoke again.

"I can never surprise you Eddie!" Her voice was shriller than ever at that statement. Had she raised it any higher any dog within a 10-mile radius would be the only ones able to hear her. I struggled to keep my face from revealing too much of how appalled I was as I quickly took in her appearance.

Her smile was wider than ever, her teeth so white it was nearly blinding. I hoped that I would never encounter her anywhere at night or where black lights might be present. Her unnaturally tanned skin had a striking resemblance to leather. And the hair. Dear God the hair. It was bleached so far beyond blonde so that it was white. Any real or natural beauty Tanya may have had was gone long ago thanks to repeat trips to a plastic surgeon. The most noticeable of all the "corrections" done over time were her very large, silicone-carrying breasts. She had been in for implants not once, not twice, but THREE times in as many years. They were oddly-shaped mounds and seemed to have a mind of their own, landing wherever they wanted under, and almost out of, the too tight tank.

_Eye contact Edward, eye contact._ _Don't forget what happened last time._ A few years ago, Tanya had arrived to a family gathering too soon after a visit to the plastic surgeon. Her nose was still bandaged, her lips swollen from injections. They reminded me of those candy wax lips we used to play with. It was difficult to understand what she had been saying, but somewhere in the conversation I realized that she said she was going in for yet another round of implants. Tanya had taken my gasp of shock from her announcement for a gasp of desire. The aftermath was, well, horrifying. My body let out an involuntary shudder at the memory and I suddenly had a strong desire to scrape my tongue.

I had known Tanya most of my life. Her family was very close friends with my own. I had been subjected to countless torturous encounters with her throughout the vast majority of my existence, mostly because of joint family vacations. I had become somewhat of an expert of evading her when I knew she would be in town. However, today was an exception.

I offered a small smile, checking my peripheral vision for any escape route out of the coffee shop. Much to my dismay there was none. Apparently 7:30 in the morning is their busy time. _Damn, damn and double damn._

With as much sincerity as I could muster, I said through nearly clenched teeth, "Tanya, how nice to see you. What brings you here?"

"Didn't your dad tell you?" I shook my head no. "I live here too!" _Oh dear Lord. Now would be an excellent time for that hellmouth….._

My eyes widened in response to this and my smile got ridiculously larger. An involuntary reaction to the shock I'm sure. _At least I didn't gasp_.

I cleared my throat and found my voice increased in pitch, "Really? That's…um….that's great. When….how….er…did this happen?" I was completely nauseated. My father knew about this and didn't at least warn me? He knew of my distaste for Tanya but always reminded me that he and her father went way back and that I was always to be a gentleman. I would need to have a chat with Carlisle later.

"Oh Eddie! I knew you would be excited! It all started…."

Oh God, that voice. I decided that was probably what it would sound like at the gates of hell when I arrived. I winced slightly as she spoke, trying to tune her out and instead focus on conversations buzzing around me.

The couple to the right was reminiscing about their romantic interlude only a few short hours ago. A man to my left was in deep conversation with another patron about his massive lawsuit against his ex-wife for having him unwillingly committed. The girls in front of me were shamelessly flirting with the boy at the counter, trying to get extra foam on their lattes. I continued to smile & nod at Tanya, as though I were paying attention.

I hadn't even made my order. _To hell with the coffee Cullen! You need to get out of here!_ _Breathe Edward, just breathe. It will be ok…._

The false reassurances I offered myself were futile. I could see the possibility of imminent escape was, at best, non-existent.

It was at that moment I felt pressure on the small of my back, like a hand. And what was that? A shock? It was strangely warm and comforting. The voice of the banshee stopped and was replaced by that of an angel.

"Hey baby. Sorry it took me so long to get here, but traffic was a bitch." I glanced down at the sound of the voice and had my suspicions confirmed. _Jesus does love me!_ I was doing the Snoopy dance on the inside but surprisingly retained my composure. Standing before me was the most gorgeous woman I had ever laid eyes upon. She was like an oasis in the desert. Her eyes were deep pools of chocolate, her face heart-shaped and warm. And her hair, oh her hair was amazing. There was nothing processed or fake about it. Long and wavy and what was quickly becoming my favorite shade of brown ever. _Exquisite_. I wanted to run my fingers through it, but shook the urge as I realized I had no idea who this woman even was.

She snaked her arm around my waist and pulled me closer. I instinctively wrapped my arm around her. This was definitely not something I wanted to end anytime soon. I locked my eyes with hers and watched a blush creep into her cheeks. She lowered her head a bit but never lost eye contact as she looked up through her long lashes. _Who is she?_ As I found myself getting hopelessly lost in her eyes, the banshee chose to speak again.

"Excuse me, who are you?" The angel gave me a quick wink and shifted her gaze to Tanya. I followed suit. _This is not good._ Tanya had narrowed her eyes and much as she could. Unfortunately after so many face lifts, it was physically impossible for her to adjust the look of her eyes too much. _But are they supposed to change color? I always thought her eyes were blue….I didn't realize how dark they were….._

"Hi, I'm Bella." The angel held out her hand to Tanya and received a sneer instead.

"Tanya. How exactly do you know Edward?" This had to be a first. Tanya never called me Edward. It was always Ed or Eddie, much to my chagrin. I shifted my eyes back to the angel, _Bella_, to hear her response.

"I'm his girlfriend." _THANK YOU JESUS!_ _I will see you on Sunday._

Tanya's mouth opened, but surprisingly no sound came out. I could see the wheels turning as she looked to me for confirmation of this juicy little tidbit.

"That's right, Tanya. _Bella_ is my girlfriend." I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face.

She tried to narrow her eyes again. "That's funny, your parents didn't mention anything about this when I talked to them a few days ago." Her face was smug. I started to panic, but again my angel came to the rescue.

"Oh, well our relationship is only _very_ recent. We haven't really even had the chance to tell anyone. In fact, you're the first." The words flowed from her mouth so effortlessly. I wished very much to check and see if she literally had a silver tongue. She continued on with her little fib.

"It was really nice to meet you Tanya, but if you'll please excuse us, we have a very big day planned and need to get going." Bella shifted her arm from around my waist and grabbed my hand with hers. She then started to pull me away from what I had deemed the worst situation of my life.

I turned around and waved goodbye to Tanya. The poor girl was still standing there, head cocked to the side in confusion. Bella continued to pull me through the crowd. _Damn she's strong! _

We finally reached the door and stepped outside. The weather was cool and damp. There was a slight breeze in the air that caused Bella's hair to shift. _Holy shit she smells good. _It was simply mouthwatering. The scent put me on sensory overload. I could practically taste her.

She continued to drag me down the street a ways and then suddenly stopped as we reached the corner. We were still holding hands when she turned to face me, blushing yet again.

"I'm really sorry about that," she said in a quiet voice. "You looked like you were in need of a rescue back there."

I gave her hand a little squeeze and smiled. "You have no idea how grateful I am for the rescue. I thought I was going to have to yell fire if I had to stand there any longer." She tossed her head back and gave a small laugh. _I could listen to that all day. It's perfect._ I took the opportunity to step back and get a better look at her. She was petite, at least half a foot shorter than my six foot frame. Her pale skin was perfect; flawless and glowing. She had full, pouty lips that were completely kissable. Her outfit was casual and hung just right, unlike Tanya's attempt at dressing in children's clothing. After tucking the mental image away for later, I locked eyes with her once again.

She seemed to be nervous, biting her lower lip and shifting her eyes back and forth between my own and the ground. _Funny, she seemed so confident earlier._ I lowered my head, trying to get her to look at me.

"So tell me, is this something you do everyday or am I your first?" The gorgeous blush returned in full force. She released my hand and allowed her hair to form a curtain around her face. I reached over and tucked it behind her ear. She looked up, still biting her lip. _God, that is so very hot when she does that._

"Actually, it's not something that I normally do at all. My friends do it all the time, but I've watched them for so long it's almost like second nature to me. They have groomed me, so to speak, to learn the ways of _the force_." She laughed again. It was so intoxicating. She tapped the side of her head.

"I have a built-in radar of sorts. My friend Alice calls it the D.I.D.-dar" I scrunched my eyebrows and cocked my head in curiosity. "Otherwise known as Dudes in Distress." I raised my eyebrows and laughed.

"Dudes in distress, eh? So is that like their job or something?" What an interesting concept; women "saving" men from other women. I stepped back and crossed my arms across my chest.

She sighed loudly before starting. "Something like that. It's, um, well you see….ah…it's a bit embarrassing. "

"I have time if you do." I really wanted to hear this story. She looked up at me, a slight look of panic in her eyes. She swallowed hard. I smiled and chuckled.

"Well, it all started when we were out for drinks a few years ago. We went to a local club and noticed some less than desirable looking woman trying to pick up on some very nice looking guys. Alice and Rose, my gorgeous and overly-confident friends, took it upon themselves to initialize a not-so-covert mission to save the guys. They said it was because they hated to see such hotness go to waste," she said, rolling her eyes. _And cue the blush_. "They both walked right up, strutting their stuff, and within a matter of seconds said skanks were gone and I was flying solo for the rest of the evening. And thus, D.I.D. was born."

I scoffed, "Your friends completely bailed on you? That was rude of them." Her eyes widened and her mouth formed a small "o".

"No, no, it wasn't like that at all! What I mean is, I'm used to it. Rose and Alice are extravagant women, confident. And did I mention gorgeous?" She lowered her head, as if in defeat. "They are my very best friends and would do anything for me, but when it comes to guys I'm a bit of a lost cause. I could never bring myself to do what they do." I raised my eyebrow and smirked. "Well, except for today. You should know that it really it is completely out of character for me to be so bold, but I couldn't watch you suffer any longer." Her confidence seemed to be returning as she held her head a little higher.

She leaned forward and whispered, "Besides, she really was kind of scary looking." It was my turn to toss my head back and laugh.

"You really have no idea," I said with a chuckle.

I took her hand back in mine and raised it to my lips, offering a small kiss. Somehow I knew it would invoke that blush I loved so much. I was right.

"And once again, I thank you. Up until the moment you arrived, I was praying for a miracle,"_ like the hellmouth_, "and there you were."

"Well," she started shyly, "it was my pleasure."

If it wouldn't have been completely inappropriate to do so, I was seriously contemplating pushing her up against the brick wall and having my way with her. I chuckled a bit to myself. _What would Esme think? Oh God, Esme. Tanya has probably called her already. Well, this should be interesting. _

"I think you should know that woman in there is regrettably a close family friend and that is not necessarily the last time I am going to see her. I can guarantee that as soon as the door closed she was on the phone to my mother, informing her of our little encounter. You've really left me in a bit of a pickle _girlfriend_. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to tell my mother when I arrive home empty handed." Her face immediately dropped and a look of shock set in.

"I…uh…well, it's….uh…I really don't know how to respond to that." She started to become rather fidgety, wringing her hands and chanting _oh god, oh god, oh god._ "Shit! I really didn't think this through," she mumbled. "First time I actually listen to Alice and Rose after constantly hearing 'put yourself out there Bella', and 'take a chance Bella', and what happens? He actually _knows_ the girl and his mother will expect to meet me!" Her little rant was quite humorous, had it not been for the fact she was actually starting to panic and unbelievably turning paler.

I tried rubbing circles with my thumbs on the back of her hand. "Well, what do your friends do?" _Way to go Cullen. Don't even know the girl 15 minutes and already you've got her freaked out about meeting your mother_.

"Well that's just it! This has never happened before to my knowledge!" She started to fan herself with her tiny hands. "Oh God, I'm going to be sick." She released my hand and walked over to the curb, sitting down with her knees drawn to her chest. She started to mumble again, "Great Bella, way to go. Could you _be_ any more stupid?" She looked like she was going to cry. I rushed over and sat down next to her, putting my arm around her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, you don't really have to meet my mother. I was just taking advantage of what I found to be a humorous situation and instead have driven you to tears. It really is ok. Tanya, the 'less than desirable woman' you saw in there, is not really a problem. Honestly, she's been after me for years with very little success." I chuckled softly. "It's not really as if my mother will be disappointed that I avoided her. She would eventually like to end up with very non-ugly grandbabies." Bella looked up and met my eyes again. She smiled softly and nudged me.

"Thanks. Sorry for having a near meltdown there. It's just that the thought of dating someone like you was a bit intimidating. And then meeting your mother? Holy hell."

I smiled and said, "What do you mean, someone like me?" Her eyes bulged again.

"I'm really on a roll today, huh? Well, look at you!" she said, gesturing with her hand.

"I'm quite familiar with how I look. I do tend to look in a mirror occasionally. What I want to know is, what did you mean someone like me?" She bit her bottom lip and turned her head ever so slightly, a faraway look in her eyes.

"How do I put this? YOU are gorgeous. I am Bella. Bella is plain. Bella is ordinary. Bella doesn't date guys like you. In fact, Bella doesn't really date at all." She shook her head and averted her eyes back to the ground. _Gah, why does she do that!_ I placed my finger under her chin and turned her head to face me.

"Bella, you ARE gorgeous. And if anything, I wouldn't mind at all if you were with _someone like me_. Really, would it be so bad?" I couldn't believe this woman! Did she really not see herself clearly? Only moments ago she was saving me from the grasp of the devil himself and now she was doubting her beauty.

"You know what," I thought aloud, "really, would it be so bad?" She was probably going to run for sure now. I was afraid to look at her as I continued, so I looked up at the sky. "We have a very interesting situation on our hands. By now, most of my family has probably been informed of my 'relationship', as they all gossip like a bunch of old ladies. It really would be a shame to show up alone and disappoint them. Their lives are really so hum-drum, a little bit of excitement, like a _girlfriend_ could really make their day." I finally turned my head back to meet her eyes, which were wider than ever. "Wouldn't you like to show off your superhero skills again and make my family's day?" I should have felt shameful for pulling the guilt card, but I really didn't care. I wanted, no needed, to know this woman and if this was the way to do it, so be it.

"You're serious." She looked perplexed.

"Very," I offered firmly.

"I don't know," she started. "Won't that be kind of weird? I mean, I'm not really your girlfriend, so how is that supposed to work?" Her face was a canvas of mixed emotions. Her bottom lip was jutted out in a bit of a pout. _Well, at least she's not biting it anymore. Although, I could help her with that._

"How about we make a deal? Since you have unabashedly announced yourself as my girlfriend to a woman that is about as likely to withdraw from life as a virus, let's make it official." I watched as she shifted a bit on the curb and appeared to be squirming. I removed my arm from her shoulder and once again took her hands in mine. I leaned in close enough to kiss her and softly said, "Bella, will you be my girlfriend?"

I heard her take a sharp intake of breath and watched as her eyes rolled back into her head. I managed to catch her before she cracked her head on the ground…..


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **

**Whoa. I can't believe people are reading...and reviewing...it gives me warm fuzzies all over...THANK YOU...**

**Thanks again to my lovely beta, the Queen of Derbworld, Birdee. I'm totally gonna pimp her story...WHAT HAPPENS TOMORROW...because it is that good. You're commitment to researching and getting everything right is incredible. I, on the other hand, have done no research whatsoever...this is all just drunken fluff.**

**Thanks to EVERYONE that has been supportive of this...both from the beginning and now...**

**I didn't make a disclaimer on my last chapter, but I figure y'all know the drill...although I share part of her name, I am not Stephenie Meyer. Nor do I want to be. **

**BPOV**

"Bella? Bella, can you hear me?" I blinked my eyes open and found myself staring into those amazing green eyes I had just been dreaming about. _Wait, was that a dream? It had to be. There is no way in hell that happened._

"Bella," he spoke again softly, "are you ok?" His face was intense, filled with concern. I blinked again, furrowing my brow as I reflected on my morning and how I came to be in the arms of this too-hot-for-Bella kind of guy.

After I woke this morning, I discovered much to my dismay that there was no coffee whatsoever in the house. I begrudgingly made the trek to Starbucks, thinking that would be quicker than going to the store. You can never go wrong with someone doing the work for you. I remembered walking in, and there was a huge line. I contemplated leaving but decided against it. It's not like I had to be on a schedule today. It was my day off, but if I was going to accomplish anything at all, I was going to need caffeine.

As I stood in line, I decided to do some people watching. I was a pretty quiet individual, more of an observer than a participant. I had always felt that you could learn more about a person through observation than conversation anyway. _Actions speak louder than words_, I thought.

Most of what was going on around me was mindless chatter and fairly non-productive. _This line is taking forever!_ I leaned my body slightly to the side to see what could possibly be taking so long. I discovered that two girls were flirting with the barista. I narrowed my eyes at this. _Can't they wait until the line dies down to play their stupid little game? I need my friggin' coffee! _I sighed loudly in annoyance and started to tap my foot. Not that this was really going to get me anywhere, just something to pass the time. I started to think of all the things I had planned for today, making a mental list. _Bookstore, lunch with Alice and Rose, pick up dress at dry cleaners._

"Yoo hoo! Eddie!" _What the hell was that? Does anyone even SAY yoo hoo anymore?_ I found myself turning in the direction of the sound, wondering how any one person's voice could sound so similar to a dying animal. _Well there's a shocker_. The body that belonged to the voice seemed to be a perfect fit. I followed the path of the woman until she stopped behind a man a few people ahead of me. She put her hands around his eyes and I'm certain was asking him to guess who. _There's no way in hell he can guess wrong. That is a voice that would be totally unforgettable, no matter how hard you might try. _I knew I would never forget it. _Poor guy._

The woman was the poster child for plastic surgery gone wrong. Her hair had obviously been bleached since birth, having no natural pigment left. Her face appeared to be really tight, like she wasn't quite able to fully form a smile or allow her eyes to blink properly. _And what the hell is wrong with her boobs?_ They were sadly misshapen, as though someone had stuffed them with too much gauze instead of implants. _Way too big and way too lumpy_.

I could tell from his stance that this was not an encounter he was excited about. His body was stiff, arms firmly by his side, hands in fists. I watched his head turn ever so slightly and caught a glimpse of his face. Up until now I had only been able to observe him from behind. _And what a nice behind he has_. As I saw his face for the first time, however, I realized there was much more to him than a great ass.

His eyes were a piercing green, unlike any others I had ever seen. His face was one of perfection. Alice and Rose would have referred to him as a "hottie," but that honestly did him no justice whatsoever. He was more like a Greek god. The sight of him alone caused my breath to hitch and my heart to race. His hair was probably the best example of sexy bed head I had ever seen. Completely in disarray and bronze in color, I just wanted to mess it up for him more. I couldn't pull my eyes away. Just as I decided it was rude to stare so long, he smiled. A completely perfect crooked smile that made my uterus skip a beat. _Holy shit_.

I watched him shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other, still glancing around as though he were looking for an escape. The woman in front of him was jabbering a mile a minute, like they were the best of friends. _Can't she see that he doesn't want to talk to her?_ Apparently not. He was smiling and nodding, but I could tell he wasn't listening. _He looks like he needs to be saved_.

And there they were. Alice and Rose, my two very best friends, entered my head immediately. I could see them both standing in front of me, hands on their hips.

Alice was saying, "Bella, this is obviously a D.I.D. situation. And he's a total hottie! You are not doing anyone a favor by allowing this heinous act to continue. Save him!"

And then there was Rose, nodding her head in agreement with Alice and saying, "Balls to the wall Bella. Get your ass in gear and save that gorgeous man before it's too late. Stop being such a wallflower."

I suddenly realized I was humming the Superman theme.

I took a deep breath and figured it was now or never. _Think brave, Bella. Think of the tongue lashing you'll get from Alice and Rose, Bella. Think hero, Bella. Now don your cape & go!_

My feet started to move on their own. Before I realized what I was really doing, my feet stopped right next to this burning hunk of love and I had placed my hand on the small of his back. The woman had stopped talking and appeared as if she was trying to glare at me. I turned my head to face the man I was staking my claim on. My mouth opened and words started tumbling out.

"Hey baby. Sorry it took me so long to get here, but traffic was a bitch."

What happened after that is where it got fuzzy. I remembered standing with this gorgeous man, this Greek god, and lying through my teeth to the Discovery Health Channel Special standing before me that I was his girlfriend. _Girlfriend? GIRLFRIEND? Right, like Bella could really score a fine piece of ass like that._ Somehow, I managed to get both of us outside my now favorite Starbucks and into the street.

Then we were talking. And flirting. _Flirting? _And then I freaked out because he wanted me to meet his mother. I had to sit. He sat next to me. More talking. More flirting. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then nothing. _Shit. Cue Bella's epic retardation one more time because ALL THE TIME is never enough!_

Why was he looking at me so weird? _His eyes are so pretty_. _Why is my ass so cold?_ Oh right. The friggin' concrete. Where I happened to be. In the arms of a gorgeous man that were amazingly warm. If I could just get him to shift his hands to my ass, and only for the purpose of heat, that would be really nice.

I heard the velvety voice again. "Bella, are you all right?" I choked on my words and could only nod in reply. He smiled. My insides turned to goo. His arms shifted around me and he helped me up into a sitting position. The warmth around me was gone. My ass was still cold.

He had an amused look on his face as he surveyed mine. His elbows propped on his knees, his long fingers intertwined together. _What was it that Alice told me about long fingers again?_ I felt an almost foreign warmth between my legs. _Oh right, that. And look how well they curl...oh Bella, you are officially perverted. _

I finally found my voice and spoke. "Sorry about that. I wish I could offer a completely unembarrassing explanation for the whole fainting thing, but I'm totally drawing a blank." I bit my lower lip. _Was that a gasp?_ His eyes darkened a bit and his mouth was opened slightly. I released my lip. His face shifted again, but he seemed a bit more composed this time.

"No worries. I'm just glad that you are all right. I don't think I've ever been the cause of someone fainting before. It was...interesting."

"Well, you can't go around saying what you did, looking how you do, and not expect that kind of reaction." Was this something he did frequently? Just ask random girls to be his girlfriend? _He's just messing with you Bella. He doesn't actually WANT you to be his girlfriend. _

"What are you thinking?" His head was cocked slightly to the side, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Um, actually, I was thinking about what you said. Earlier. Before I did a Bella."

"A...Bella? Is that what they call them now?" He was trying to hold his laughter in; I could tell by the way his shoulders started to shake.

"That's what I call it. I am seriously so clumsy it is practically a disability. Not to mention my all too regular fainting episodes, which you had the pleasure of witnessing, and blushing so frequently it should be criminal. So anything that occurs within said categories is called a Bella."

He flashed that gorgeous crooked smile and had a playful look in his eyes.

"If you don't mind, I really would like to go back to what we were talking about before you did a Bella and before you distracted me with the explanation of what a Bella actually is. I believe you were going to enlighten me with your thoughts about what was said earlier." His look was playful, but his tone was soft. I swear he was holding his breath, waiting for a response.

"Right. Well, um, if memory serves me correctly you had asked me to be your girlfriend." He nodded. "WHY?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, if memory serves _me_ correctly, you already are my girlfriend, according to your little performance back there, so for me to even ask you is a bit rhetorical. Don't you think?" He was grinning from ear to ear.

"You're serious." It wasn't a question. _Is this guy for real?_ All traces of humor were gone now. His voice was soft when he spoke.

"Quite serious." I was starting to feel faint again. The panic was rising in my throat, butterflies consuming my stomach. I took a deep breath.

"I don't even know you. I know you're Edward, but who is Edward? What's your last name? What do you do for a living? Oh God, you have a job, right? You're wearing nice clothes, so I'm thinking yes. But maybe you're like one of those guys who dresses up real nice pretending to do something important but really you just live in your mother's basement lurking in chat rooms and online forums all day talking. I mean, what I did back there, it's just really not me. I don't do that. I did, but I don't. I'm just not that kind of girl, you know?" The words all came out in a rush. I wasn't thinking. I was just talking.

The amused expression returned. _Seriously, what is with this guy? And why the hell is he still grinning? Holy hell he's hot._

He shifted his body slightly towards mine and extended his hand. I stared at him a bit dumbfounded until it finally registered that he wanted to shake. I reached out and accepted his offered appendage.

"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen. I do have a job, a very nice paying one, in fact, that allows me to purchase the clothes on my back. I don't spend all day in my mother's basement, although I go over there frequently for visits. I don't even know what an online forum is, so no worries there."

"And what is it that you do exactly, Edward Cullen?" I raised an eyebrow and smiled suggestively. He had still been holding onto my hand up until then. But it was at that moment he decided to let go. I frowned internally.

"I get to play with the Puddys and Ollies of the world." I gave him a questioning look. _What the hell?_

"Huh?"

"I'm a veterinarian." _Hot as hell and loves animals. Guh._

"Really? A vet? Wow. Isn't that kind of hard though? I mean, since your patients can't talk? Oh my god! Are you strictly fluff and claws or do you have to work with wretched reptiles too?" Fucking snakes. I hate them.

"Reptiles get sick too, Bella. Don't you think I would be a bit on the inhumane side if I only took care of all the cute and fluffy animals?" He flashed me that crooked grin and winked. I gushed on the outside, but made a face at the thought of him saving snakes and the like.

"Hell no. The only good snake is a dead one. And the rest of the reptiles? I am a firm believer that anything with cold blood is not capable of love. And anyone who cares to contradict because they have tender feelings for something that wraps itself around you and squeezes every time you breathe is fucking nutters. That is NOT love. It's wrong. Just sick and wrong." My voice had risen considerably during this little spill. I hated snakes with a passion and was deathly afraid of them.

"So if I were to wrap myself around you and squeeze, you would think I was trying to kill you?" He waggled his eyebrows and my face went all aglow.

"That's different. I'm talking about scaly creatures with the natural predatory instinct of thinking everything they encounter is a possible meal. Wrapping bodies together in an act of affection and love is not bad at all." _You can wrap yourself around me any time._

"Well that's very good to know _girlfriend._ We've only been dating for less than an hour and already I know you hate all things with cold blood and you are not opposed to acts of affection. Perhaps you could tell me a little more?" His voice was so soft and alluring. I would tell him anything he wanted to know just to hear his voice.

His flattery alone was enough to get me going again. Bold Bella was back. Echoing his previous gesture, I grinned and held out my hand.

"Hello, I'm Bella Swan, hot male-saving-superhero and amateur photographer."

"Photographer, eh? And what exactly is it that you take pictures of?"

"Mostly weddings right now. I do a lot of bridal shoots. But I freelance a lot and submit my work to local newspapers and magazines. Sometimes they take it and sometimes they don't. But thank God for a day job and weddings. There is always a wedding going on somewhere. Otherwise I would be completely broke."

"I'd like to see your work some time, if you don't mind sharing." _Oh I don't mind sharing at all. _I hoped that he wanted to share a few things as well.

"And you mentioned a day job too? What do you do when you're not freezing happiness in time?"

"I work part time as an office assistant. I mostly take care of the filing and answer phones when the secretary goes to lunch. It's a consistent paycheck and the hours are really flexible. I kind of come and go as I please as long as I make 20 hours a week."

"Hmmm….so you're kind of the female version of Clark Kent then, huh? Office worker, photographer and superhero. Where's your horn-rimmed glasses?" His playful grin was a full blown smile now. _His teeth are so straight._ Oddly enough this was a turn on.

"Um, actually they're at home." I had no need to be embarrassed, but I was. I needed my glasses anytime I used the computer or was reading. I wore them all the time at work but didn't have much of a need for them outside of that. I waited for his response, expecting him to make fun of me for them since he seemed to be enjoying himself so much.

"I bet you look absolutely adorable in them, _girlfriend_." I was stunned. First that he thought I would look good in glasses. Then at the mention of that word again. _Girlfriend_.

"Gah! Why do you keep saying that? There's just no way I can be your girlfriend." I threw my hands up in frustration. He really couldn't be serious about this, could he? It just wasn't possible. People don't do things like this. Do they?

"Well, since you continue to avoid the subject, I'm tossing it back out there to keep you on task."

I shook my head. There's no way this could be happening. No. Freaking. Way. "But I don't know you. You don't know me. This is crazy. How is this supposed to work?" He looked thoughtful for a moment before he spoke.

"You're right, we don't know each other. So here's what I propose. Remember the scary woman in the coffee shop?" The intensity of his eyes was amazing. They had shifted from humorous to serious in a matter of seconds. I nodded my head numbly.

"As I mentioned before, she is a family friend and isn't going away any time soon. Before you jumped in and saved me, she was telling me that she has recently moved here and will unfortunately be a fixed presence in my life for quite some time. Given the circumstances, I really can't go home empty-handed. Therefore, I offer a compromise."

"A compromise? What do you mean?"

"I'm assuming that you are single, correct? And I only assume because you have alluded to as much from things you have said and also from your bold actions in the café."

I sighed. "Yes, I am single."

"Great! I am too. This couldn't be better." I could feel my brow scrunch in confusion.

He continued. "My proposal is this. I'm going to be moving back to Chicago in one month to open up another practice. We can assume the status of being exclusive, boyfriend and girlfriend if you will, up until I leave. No strings attached, no expectations, and I promise that I will be nothing less than a gentleman at all times. I won't even hold your hand if you don't want me to," he said with a wink.

"So kind of like _Pretty Woman_ except I'm not a hooker and you won't be paying me?" I was blown away at his suggestion, although a little voice in the back of my mind couldn't ignore it altogether. It was rather tempting. Who wouldn't want this man attached to them?

His expression softened and he grabbed my hand again. _Oh god. He is so warm._

"Bella," he said softly, "I would never assume you to be anything like that. I will be completely respectful at all times. After one month, we can just tell everyone that things weren't working out and we can go back to our lives. In the meantime, however, I can't begin to tell you how much it would mean to me if you would accept my offer. I admit there are selfish reasons motivating me. The first being to keep the banshee away, the second being that I would love nothing more than to have a beautiful woman like you to call my own."

I smiled and said, "The banshee?"

"Yes. The banshee. Did you not hear her talk? God, I'm amazed the windows didn't shatter. I swear with every surgery her voice goes an octave higher." He was shaking his head. The sex hair was looking better than ever with every turn of his beautiful head.

"Ok, let me get this straight. You want me to pretend to be your girlfriend for one month? You'll keep your hands to yourself and no strings attached. So if it's not working out, even before the month is out, I can walk away. Is that what you are saying?"

"Yes. One month and no funny business. At all." He made the criss cross sign across his heart and raised his hands in the air.

I bit my lip and considered this for a moment. Would it really be so bad? I hadn't dated anyone in what felt like forever. It was only for a month and no strings attached. What could possibly be bad about this? He was gorgeous, funny and a vet. And he totally wanted to date me.

Then there they were again. Alice and Rose, hands on their hips. Alice went first because, well, Alice always went first.

"Bella, I'm going to throw away all your hoodies if you don't say yes. Of course, I might just do it anyway, so that won't work. Ok, I will make you go shopping with me _for a month_ if you don't do this. It's either a month of dating or a month of shopping. What's it going to be?" I hated shopping. She wasn't exactly making her offer difficult.

Now it was Rose's turn. She kept it simple.

"Just do it, Bella. Don't be a pussy." Easy enough.

I released my lip and looked him straight in the eye. The expression on his face seemed, I don't know, anxious?

"I think I'm going to need your phone number, _boyfriend._"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **

**This is not my favorite chapter, but I've been told it's good. Sooooo...yeah...it's short, but it's kind of a back story...**

**Birdee...I love to make you laugh...I'm glad you almost peed...seriously...**

**Bitty...love yer guts...you've made my thoughts on Sundays better...**

**Gabby...thanks for letting me steal from your life...**

**MB...can't wait for our playdate...**

**To all who have reviewed and complimented...I LOVE YOU ALL...thanks for getting in my head and liking it...I'm blown away by the reception of this...silly, drunken fluff...**

**EPOV**

Everything was coming up Edward. Today was my day.

After exchanging phone numbers with Bella and promising to call her later on, we went our separate ways. I had to get to work and she said she had plans of her own. _And I still didn't get my damn coffee, _I thought absentmindedly.

And I couldn't care less. Caffeine could wait. The morning I had just experienced was better than caffeine. Better because of Bella_. Guh._

She was so beautiful. I was perplexed by her earlier comments of being plain and not in a league to date "someone like me." This was something that had baffled me since my youth. I had been told I was a good-looking guy, but I don't know that I would go so far as "gorgeous" like Bella had said. It had seemed that she was placing us in different leagues. I wasn't really quite sure what league I belonged to, let alone that I was even in a league. I would need to talk to Emmett and Jasper about this later.

Emmett, my older brother, was the self-designated go-to guy for advice on physical relations. He could be shallow, but he knew what he was talking about. I had experienced many morning-after encounters with his companions from the previous night to know that no one had ever left unhappy. In fact, most of them left speechless and unable to walk straight.

Jasper, on the other hand, was all about emotions. He had an uncanny ability to tap into the feelings of others and eventually use it to his advantage. Women dropped eggs at his sentiment and southern drawl.

Emmett would say "Bang her." Jasper would say "Be sensitive." I would walk away having heard _don't be afraid to connect emotionally when making love_. Between the two of them I usually ended up with fairly decent advice.

The emotional part of the advice was much easier for me than the physical. The few sexual experiences I had up to this point in my life had been disastrous, to say the least. Not that Emmett gave poor advice. I was well aware of the discomfort that was tight pants just from talking to him.

The simple truth of it is that I had problems touching a woman in an intimate manner. I would just freeze.

That's why it was so easy to promise Bella to keep my hands to myself.

I failed at touching.

Consumed with my wandering thoughts, I suddenly realized that I had walked past my car and had to turn around. I climbed in and started to make my way to work.

While stopped at a red light my phone buzzed to alert me that I had a text message. I flipped it open and saw that it was from my mother.

_I had a very interesting phone call this morning. Care to enlighten me? _

_Mom_

_Great_, I thought. I looked at the clock on the dash and realized that had been a little over an hour since I had run into Tanya. And just as I had suspected, she took it upon herself to call Esme. The news of my having a girlfriend would spread to everyone both Tanya and I knew before noon today.

_Tanya_. I couldn't believe that she was living here now. It was bad enough that I had spent most of my life seeing her almost every damn summer and on various holidays in between. Now it was going to be all the time. If I hadn't met Bella this morning I probably would have moved to Chicago tomorrow.

_Bella._

My thoughts wandered back to her momentarily before they unwillingly returned to Tanya. Although I was curious to know what she had told my mother, I needed to think this through a bit before I made contact. _What the hell was I thinking? Bella probably thinks I'm out of my tree. She did keep giving me strange looks…_

I knew exactly what I had been thinking. I wanted her. I wanted Bella. Although I had been friends with many girls over the years, I never really had many I could call _girlfriend_. My experience was embarrassingly limited. And my "problem" certainly didn't make it any easier.

I went on dates from time to time, but more or less to appease my mother. While she tried to get women away from Emmett, she practically threw them at me.

I had always been somewhat of a gangly and awkward child, the exact opposite of my brother Emmett. Emmett had always been strong and confident. He had never gone through an "awkward" phase. No squeaky voice, no acne, no black-framed glasses. He wasn't without his flaws, but looks and physique were completely excluded from that category.

The summer I turned 15 was the year my body started catching up and taking a turn for the better. It was the summer our parents had decided it would be fun for both our and Tanya's families to go to Disneyland together.

It was the summer that Tanya and her sisters started to treat me differently.

It was the summer that changed everything. It was the summer that has made me incapable of looking at Disney characters with innocent eyes. _Girls and Goofy Gone Wild...gah._

My body shuddered once again as it did earlier. _Damn Tanya. I need to get that under control or people will think I have a serious problem_.

Up until that summer I had been nothing more than "Emmett's little brother" or "that scrawny Cullen kid." I was so preoccupied with my studies and music, I didn't really think twice about girls.

Emmett accused me of being gay. Esme said I was a late bloomer. Carlisle had no comment.

Tanya had been nothing more than a pesky little girl at that point. She and her sisters, Kate and Irina, were always flirting with Emmett. They just picked on me.

Then it was my birthday. I was 15. Physically speaking, I had become a new Edward. It was very much like Tobey McGuire in _Spiderman_. After being bitten by the spider, he wakes up the next day with better eyesight, muscles, and mad fighting skills.

Although my change didn't happen overnight and my radioactive spider was Lasik, weight lifting and wrestling with Emmett, the change occurred nevertheless.

Suddenly people knew my name. Girls were calling the house, asking for _me_.

Esme was thrilled. I was terrified.

It wasn't that I didn't like girls. I just didn't know what to _do_ with them. I mean, I knew because I had heard countless too-much-information type stories from Emmett for as long as I could remember. But to actually be the one in the moment, that was a totally different story.

The Spiderman change brought about expectations. Apparently once a guy grew into his looks, he was just supposed to know how to please and pleasure. I must have missed that day of class.

Suddenly talking to girls became complicated. I had always been able to talk to them easily enough. But that all changed. Suddenly there were imaginary meanings being drawn from things I would say. _Everything_ had to mean _something_.

And then it wasn't just about talking anymore. There had to be touching. It was expected. No touching meant rejection. And tears. _Oh God, the tears_.

It wasn't like I didn't _think_ about it or even wanted it. I mean, I am a man. A beautiful naked woman is a very good thing in my book. I knew the mechanics of it all and my business was in perfect operating condition.

I remember watching _American Pie_ with Jason Biggs and how awkward he was when fondling a girl's breast. It was like watching a movie of myself.

Emmett had even offered to get me an escort once. His words were, "You know, to practice with, Bro." I said no.

I continued to date off and on, mostly to keep up appearances of a very non-homosexual man, but kept things very platonic. I secretly hoped that things would fall into place and would one day just come together; that I would be able to touch a boob or grab an ass the right way.

I did touch a boob once. It was actually more like a squeeze. The girl had told me that if she had wanted a mammogram, she would have scheduled an appointment.

Esme was very concerned that she would never have any grandchildren. Despite my reassurances to her that I would surely figure it out someday, she would still fret.

She tried to encourage me. Or at least, she did what she thought was encouraging me.

When Emmett and I were both away at college, she sent me a care package that included a box of flavored condoms. The letter she sent along with it made mention of starting new adventures or something ridiculous like that.

I was horrified to receive something like that from my own mother, but Emmett found it hilarious. He ripped the box out of my hands and pulled one out, curious to know what flavored condoms were like. Because he was Emmett, he ripped the package open and started to blow it up like a balloon. Once he tied it off, he proceeded to blow up another one.

Then another.

He continued until he had done the whole box and had a taste of every single one. Too distracted by my thoughts of how disgusting my brother was, I hadn't noticed that the other condom balloons were significantly smaller.

They were deflating.

After minimal investigation, the problem was easily discovered.

As it turned out my mother, my own mother, had poked holes in every single condom in hopes of me getting laid and fathering a grandbaby for her.

Carlisle called it empty nest syndrome. I called it crazy and desperate. It did absolutely nothing to help my problem.

Emmett threw away all the condoms Esme had sent him and transferred schools.

Although Esme confided in me that she would never pull that kind of stunt on Emmett, she failed to mention it to him. She felt that a good dose of fear would do him some good. It worked, for a few weeks anyway.

He claimed celibacy but it didn't last long. So he began taking drastic measures, stocking up on any and all spermicidal products and insisting his "guests" use a little bit of everything, just to be on the safe side.

Upon discovering that most of that shit made his dick go numb, he resorted to more drastic measures: stealing Carlisle's prescription pad and stocking up on morning after pills. Apparently, when ground up real fine, it looked just like powdered sugar when placed on the right pastry.

My brother is a sick, sick man.

But he didn't have a problem touching women. I did.

I reached the clinic and got out of my car. I walked in and noticed my receptionist Amanda was already there. She was focused intensely on something at her desk and didn't look up.

"Good morning Amanda." Her head never rising, she reached up from behind the desk holding a white cup with the Starbucks logo.

"Morning. Here."

"What's this?" I took the cup and without thinking about it I sniffed at the hole in the lid. _Yes. Coffee_.

Amanda finally raised her head to look at me. Her eyes were narrowed. She didn't even crack a smile.

"What the hell do you think it is? I'll tell ya what, this pregnancy is doing weird shit to me. I woke up this morning and had a feeling I needed to get two coffees this morning instead of one. Don't ask me why, I just did. So wipe that goofy ass grin off your beautiful face and go get ready. You've got an appointment in 10 minutes."

I clicked my heels together and gave her a salute. She rolled her eyes before lowering them back down to whatever she had been reading before. Just as I started to take my first sip she raised her arm once again, this time pointing in the direction of where she wanted me to go.

Amanda was in her final month of pregnancy and due any day. I knew she was uncomfortable, which also made her more irritable. Not that she was particularly nice to begin with, but she was the kind of girl you couldn't help liking anyway because she wasn't afraid to say whatever was on her mind.

The man who actually owned the clinic had hired her before I started working there. When I took over his practice after he retired, I kept her on primarily out of fear. I didn't want to wake up missing important parts of my body.

Back in the early stages of her pregnancy her temper had gotten her in trouble. She had been very ill and was throwing up nonstop. Apparently one night the puking ceased and she was able to go to bed and actually get some rest. Her husband had come home drunk and was being a dick. So she beat his face. With a cell phone. She went to jail for three days. The mug shot will be in the baby book, or so she tells me.

Despite her temper and disregard for tact, she ran the office like a pro. Nothing was left half-assed with Amanda. She took care of it all and she was paid well for it. Of course, she had given herself the raise and told me after, but I agreed that she was quite deserving of it.

I walked back to my office and sat down behind the desk. I propped my feet up and leaned back in the chair where my thoughts turned to Bella. I reflected on the morning's events and still could not believe my good fortune. Honestly, I wasn't quite sure what had possessed me to be so bold this morning and insist upon her being my girlfriend. I had been caught up in the moment. And after hearing her confession that what she did was out of character for her, I took a chance.

The idea of having Bella by my side to fend off Tanya was more than tempting.

What sealed the deal for me, however, was that because it wasn't a "real" relationship there would be no pressure for anything physical. It was almost too good to be true.

I was really looking forward to getting to know Bella more. She was smart, funny and just fucking beautiful.

It was very possible that without pressures for intimacy, Bella could be the Alyson Hannigan to my Jason Biggs. She could be the girl to fix my problem.

I had one month to figure out how to do this.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I keep failing to mention that I am not SM...you have now been disclaimed...**

**A HUGE THANKS TO MY BETA BIRDEE18...you rock my socks bb...and clean up my grammar...Birdee speak is much better than Dolle...**

**BITTY...my lil sunbeam...'nuff said...**

**MB...sorry...no Vetward this chapter...but he's coming...I PROMISE...**

**bibliocrazed...you already know why...**

**TO ALL THE LADIES AT TWILIGHTED...I HEART YOU ALL...**

**For all the rest of you...thanks for the reviews...I've gone back and forth about whether or not I'm going to keep going with this...and since some of you seem to really like it...heh...there you go...**

**BPOV**

Wow. I think I had just been, well, dazzled.

We ended up finally parting. I couldn't believe how hard it was to actually leave. Walking away from him was physically difficult. If he hadn't started walking away first, I probably would have just stayed there forever. In fact, once he did start walking in the opposite direction, I just stood there and stared, frozen in place. I shamelessly stared at his ass. I wanted to run over and smack it so hard it would echo down the street.

There was so much that had happened in such a short amount of time. It was a complete sensory overload. The sounds, smells, feelings had left me in a daze. I was still processing all that had just occurred and was trapped in a moment of shock. _Please don't faint, please don't faint_.

I felt like this was like a "Dear Diary" moment I had only ever dreamed about.

_Dear Diary, _

_I saved a hot man today from Barbie Gone Wrong. He was clearly a dude in distress. Alice and Rose will be so proud! _

_His eyes are unlike any I have ever seen. A green that I bet Crayola doesn't even have a name for. And the hair, oh the hair. Best. Sex Hair. Ever. Hot damn! He smells really good too. I want to bottle it up and sneak little sniffs all day long. It's completely intoxicating. Did I mention he has a job? Oh yeah baby, he's a vet. Does it get any hotter than that? The best part is, he wants me. HE WANTS BELLA SWAN. So I'm his girlfriend. Except I'm not really his girlfriend. But I am. It's complicated. He wants me but it's to pretend to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. _

_What's that? No, well, I mean I suppose you're right. Wait, are you saying I'm stupid? Oh, you meant irresponsible? Well, I suppose it is in a way. I mean I just met him. But he's so gorgeous and sweet and just…just….wow. So there. It's just…don't judge me because I'm easy and desperate._

Stupid diary.

I continued walking until I reached the bookstore that I had intended to go to right after getting coffee. I was high on Edward and needed a distraction. I pulled the door open and walked inside. The familiar and comforting aroma of ink on paper sent my senses into overdrive. I headed over to the new release section to see if there was anything of interest.

I was a sucker for the classics. The more recently published works were difficult for me to swallow, although it didn't stop me from looking anyway. So many seemed to be cookie cutter plots, it was difficult to find original ideas.

Rose would say the same of television and movies. She discovered recently they were remaking _Knight Rider_. Two bottles of wine and one Taco Bell run later she was still ranting. Alice and I both knew she secretly had a thing for David Hasselhoff.

The basis of her rant was primarily about KITT, the car. If there was anything that Rose loved more than The Hoff, it was cars. She was a fanatic. Not only was she super model gorgeous and tough as nails, she just loved cars. She was every guy's wet dream. She knew it too. She was very particular about who she dated, though. If there was even the slightest sign of weakness, they were gone. Very rarely did she ever complete a date from start to finish. The other night was probably the shortest ever. By all appearances the guy was very much Rose material.

As it turned out appearances were more than deceiving.

Ten minutes was all it took for her to break the poor bastard.

Alice and I had been sitting on the couch at the time getting ready to watch a movie. I had just pushed play when the door slammed and in walked Rose. She plopped down on the couch next to Alice and grabbed a handful of popcorn. Neither of us moved our eyes from the screen. I could see out of my peripheral vision that her eyes were a little moist.

Alice handed her a beer. I had silently questioned earlier why she had two bottles in her little hands but shrugged it off thinking that she was just going to double fist it. As always, Alice just seemed to know.

She was scary intuitive like that sometimes.

We all took a swig at the same time, faces aglow from the green ratings screen. No one said anything. We didn't have to. Rose was a tough exterior, but she really needed someone that could put up with her shit. She needed to be loved. Men would throw themselves at her feet all the time. She would bust their balls in seconds.

Alice, on the other hand, was completely the opposite. She liked everybody she went out with. She would always come home and say, "Guys, I think he's the one!" It crushed her every time it didn't work out, which was frequently. Apparently the intuition thing was not self-serving.

Alice was a very tiny person with an endless fountain of energy. I'm not even sure she slept. It was not uncommon to find her cleaning the apartment in the middle of the night. If I didn't know any better I would have thought she was a vampire.

Either that or she's a tweaker.

Outside appearances presented both of my dearest friends as very beautiful, very confident women. But like so many others, they had their insecurities and flaws. We were all far from perfect.

We had experienced many nights of comforting one another from a failed relationship. It usually consisted of frumpy PJs, junk food, facials and pedicures, chick flicks and wine. Lots and lots of wine. Although the evening would start with tears, it always ended in giggles and all three of us feeling more beautiful than ever.

Then the day after would arrive.

Hangovers were always a killjoy. Our communications would mostly be non-verbal and consist of hand gestures when absolutely necessary, Rose's being the most vulgar of course. If words were ever required they were spoken in hushed tones for fear of our skulls splitting in two. And it never failed that even with the facial I would always wake up with the biggest zit ever. Gross.

Despite it all, the vicious cycle continued with every break-up.

Then it changed.

Although the nights had seemed to be therapeutic at first, we decided that maybe it wasn't very healthy.

Instead of PJs, we got sexed up and hit the clubs.

Much better.

These became the nights that actually inspired what Alice and Rose later dubbed as Dudes in Distress. It was the idea of saving a man in order to save themselves.

It was kind of a fuck you to the douche who had initiated the heartbreak. It was saying "I can still be beautiful and have any man I want."

I mostly stayed in the background, drowning myself in vodka tonics while the girls worked their magic. Not that I didn't get hit on, but I loathed going out and flaunting "my goods" to the world. It just wasn't me. I did it for Alice and Rose. They knew that it placed me way out of my comfort zone and was not something I enjoyed. But I always went and usually with minimal complaint.

And drank like a fish.

Although I would never demand extreme measures from them, I know they would do it for me anyway.

I didn't have as much experience as Rose or Alice with dating. I went out with guys here and there, had been involved in a few worthless long term commitments, and even had a one night stand. But none of them were certainly anything to write home about.

I didn't even get my first kiss until I was 22. And I didn't lose my virginity until 25. Although my first time had actually been at 23, the guy had been so small he didn't even break my hymen.

That was an interesting visit at the doctor's.

I had gone in for my annual exam a few weeks after the monumental occasion and was answering all the routine questions tossed my way. My OB, Dr. Fillerup, finally arrived at the fated question I had answered "no" to every year since I was 18. Dr. Fillerup had come very highly recommended to me from Rose.

Not for his skills. She had picked him solely on the basis of his name.

She insisted that the man would surely know what the hell he was doing to be carrying such a name and having chosen the specialty he did. The name alone was a lot to live up to, she had said.

She was right. Live up to his name he did. The man definitely had skills.

And it didn't hurt that he was extremely good looking. He was significantly older than me, enough to be my own father, but he carried his age well. It made the visits go a little smoother when it came time to "open up".

He was hunched over the clipboard he had been holding and didn't even look up when he asked, "Are you sexually active?"

"Yes. Yes I am," I answered proudly. I didn't even blush. The pen stopped mid-air and he raised his head, eyebrows arched.

"Well, congratulations Bella. Anyone special?"

"Uh no. I mean, not really I guess. But it happened, it's done, and I'm no longer holding my v-card." I offered my cheesiest grin and gave him a thumbs up. He smirked then rolled over to the table to yank out the stirrups. I scooted down and obediently placed my feet in the designated location.

As the sheet was lifted and the probing began, I remembered something Rose had said to me that morning and chuckled softly.

"Something funny, Bella?" he mumbled from under the sheet.

"Oh it's nothing really. It's just something my roommate said to me this morning. Today's the first day off I've had in a while, so I'm trying to get caught up on all my annual appointments. Like before I came here I went to get my teeth cleaned. Then after this I'm getting my eyes checked."

"I don't follow. What's so funny?"

"As I was walking out the door, Rose graciously reminded me to make sure I spread my legs for the right doc." He laughed and I could feel the vibration through his fingertips, which were, at the moment, inserting a very cold steel death trap into me.

"That sounds exactly like something Rose would say." Rose hadn't been a patient for long, but she had made a name for herself in the clinic. I knew for a fact that she shamelessly flirted with Dr. Fillerup at each and every visit. I don't care who you are, _no one_ wears fuck me stilettos to their pap and keeps them on during the actual exam. No one except Rose.

I felt the pinch and waited for the vile instrument to be removed. It never came. There was a pause and then a sigh that did not come from me.

"Uh, Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"You said you had sex, right?"

"Y-yes." _What in the hell is he talking about? Oh God, he's not going to ask for details, is he?_

"And there was penetration? With a penis?" I squeezed my eyes shut and balled my fists.

"Yes," I whispered. This was bad. This was very bad.

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but uh, you're still holding your v-card."

"WHAT?!" I shrieked. I flew up into a sitting position, or what I thought was sitting, and damn near fell off the table. Dr. Fillerup stood up to catch me, knocking over the instrument cart and sent it crashing to the floor. My arms instinctively went up to his shoulders to brace myself while one leg had come out of the stirrup and was semi-wrapped around his waist.

Seconds later a young nurse burst into the room and asked if everything was ok. Her face went redder than mine. Had I been the one looking in I would have assumed the wrong thing too. It didn't help that my hair was a little disheveled from laying on the table either.

Sex hair.

I was still too startled from what he had just told me to even care.

The rest of the visit went by in a blur. It didn't even faze me when I walked out of the office and received looks that would normally make me want to crawl into a hidey-hole.

_I'm still a virgin? But…I had sex. I was there. I wasn't even drunk. Well, not THAT drunk. I mean, HE had a good time. It wasn't great, not that I would know the difference between good and bad sex, but I don't think it was bad. Or was it? Gah. This is not good._

Somehow I made it home. I missed my eye appointment. This was too big for me to be concerned about my eyesight. This was _my virginity_. I could be blind at this point and not care because my first and only sexual encounter had been a failure. Could it get any worse?

I needed to talk to the girls. And there was no way I could do it sober. So Sam Adams and I formed an intimate relationship for the next hour.

He didn't pop my cherry either. But he certainly warmed me up and loosened my tongue.

Rose and Alice finally came home. I was strung out on the couch with my arm flopped over my head, staring at the ceiling.

"Bella? Oh my God, are you ok?" Alice could go from zero to panic in seconds. There were no in between emotions for her. It was one extreme or the other.

Rose, however, was typically without emotions unless she was inebriated or hormonal.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I sat up slightly and saw Rose had her hands on her hips and Alice was wringing hers.

"I'M STILL A VIRGIN!" I yelled and flopped back down dramatically.

"What?!" They questioned in unison. Then it was just Rose.

"Whoa whoa whoa baby. Back this truck up. How is that possible? You said you had sex."

"I did have sex."

"Are you sure?" Her voice was thick with sarcasm. I willed her to step closer so I could smack her leg.

I sighed. "Yes, I'm sure. At least, I think I am? Yes, I'm sure. I was there."

"So then, how…" she trailed off. And then I got this. "Oh. My. God."

I raised my head and glared at her. "What?"

"Bella baby, how did it _feel_?" Her voice was a lot softer now, almost a whisper. Alice was staying quiet, but I noticed her eyes were much bigger and her mouth was wide open.

"What do you mean, how did it _feel_? It was my first time Rose. It wasn't earth shattering. If anything, it was kind of uncomfortable and awkward. I mean, I have listened to you guys talk about it so many times and how _guh_ it can be. It wasn't _guh_ for me, ok? It was just, well, let's just say that I don't think he went in all the way. That much is obvious by now. He got off on it just fine, but me? Nothing mind blowing at all."

I was dying. This was worse than my doctor's visit.

Alice was still staring. Rose turned around and walked away. I stayed where I was, not sure what was happening. She returned a few moments later with a stack of DVDs.

_Porn_.

Alice walked over the couch and motioned for me to sit up. Rose put one in the player and came to sit on my other side. She hit play and the music started. There was very little foreplay. Pants were dropped and legs were spread.

Rose hit pause. The man was _huge_. I gasped and didn't have to say anymore.

Mike wasn't even half that big. No wonder everyone had questioned me. The little prick had just that; a little prick.

For the next few hours we watched porn. Rose would even slow it down at times and walk me through frame by frame. Somehow it was their way of explaining the birds and the bees to me. Definitely not the same as what mom had told me.

I now knew understood why Alice and Rose were so picky.

I had been schooled with porn.

Some time during my trip down memory lane I had ended up in the kama sutra section of the bookstore. I sighed in exasperation, realizing that I just couldn't focus on books right now and decided to go home and relax until it was time for lunch with the girls.

Our apartment wasn't too far from the bookstore and was easily within walking distance. I didn't even own a car.

I walked out of the store and realized that it was a lot darker outside. Looking up to the sky I saw black clouds everywhere. It was going to rain. _Great. _I knew I couldn't run because I would fall on my face. So I just walked fast, focusing on each and every step. I was one block away when it started to sprinkle lightly. I walked inside our building and made my way to the elevator. On the way up my thoughts drifted back to Edward.

_Edward_. _There is no way a man that good looking won't know what he's doing in bed. Not like that's really going to happen because this isn't a "real" relationship. Oh man I bet he's amazing._

I shook my head of the thought and entered the apartment. To my surprise Alice and Rose were both there.

"Hey. What are you guys doing here? I thought you had work?"

They were both seated on the couch flipping through magazines, _Car and Driver_ for Rose, _Cosmo_ for Alice.

Without looking up, Rose shrugged her shoulders and pointed to the window. "It's raining."

"We live in Seattle Rose. It's always raining." I sauntered over to the overstuffed chair across from them and dropped myself down with an "oof". My eyes flickered between both of them waiting for a response.

"Yeah well, we didn't feel like going out in it today."

"Ok, so does that mean we're not going to lunch?" I asked. We went to lunch every Thursday. We had started the tradition back in our early days of college when our schedules were so crazy and we hardly saw each other. Even now that we saw each other more often, we continued our weekly lunch date.

They still didn't look up.

"Like we would really miss that, silly. The rain will stop before we go. We'll be fine for lunch," Alice stated with confidence.

"Mm, ok." I drummed my fingers on the chair arms and sucked in a deep breath. _It's now or never Bella. _

I let out the breath I was holding and said, "So I met someone today."

Both heads snapped up and magazines were dropped. They even crossed their arms at the same time. They were in sync like that. They even ran on the same menstrual cycle.

"All right, Swan. Spill." Alice looked like she was going to explode with excitement. Rose kept her cool, but I saw the corner of her mouth twitching.

So I told them everything. Well, almost everything. I left out the part of him asking me to be his girlfriend. They ooh'd and aw'd throughout, even sighing occasionally as if on cue. When I was finished relating the morning event's, Alice clapped her hands together and squealed.

"Bella, I'm so proud of you!" Rose nodded in agreement.

"And then he asked me to be his girlfriend," I said in a rush. Both faces dropped.

"What?" Alice asked flatly. Rose shifted in her seat and leaned forward a bit.

"I said, he asked me to be his girlfriend." My voice came out a little more than a squeak.

"And your response was?" Rose was definitely interested at this point.

"Yes?"

"What the hell, Bella? Are you crazy? You don't even know this guy! Of all the things to say just to get in your pants…" By this point both girls were standing. And pacing.

That was not a good sign. This was not the reaction I had anticipated. At all.

"Wait, no, it's not like that. I'm not even his real girlfriend. It's just that, well, the scary woman in the coffee shop is actually a friend of his family's. She has just moved into town and since I had already claimed to be my girlfriend, he asked me to follow through with it to help him out." Rose threw her arms and made the motion for me to stop.

"Wait. Stop. Let me see if I understand this correctly. You saved a gorgeous man from a skank in the coffee shop."

"Yes."

"You said you were his girlfriend."

"Yes."

"Said skank is a family friend and lives here."

"Yes."

"Gorgeous man asks you to be his girlfriend, but not really his girlfriend."

"Yes."

"Holy shit." They were both staring at me like I had lost my mind. I started to open my mouth to speak, to further explain my reasoning when my phone started to ring.

I glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was Edward. Looking at both of my friends, pleading for forgiveness with my eyes, I flipped it open and put it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"_Bella, it's Edward_."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N**

**YEAH YEAH...I'M NOT SM...BLAH BLAH BLAH**

**BIRDEE....BBFF....I LOVE YOU....THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.....**

**GPB....ROBMATE....DMR FOR LIFE BB....**

**MB....I'M WAITING FOR THE LAKE....**

**CDUN....THANKS BB....**

**IF I'M FAILING TO MENTION SOMEONE....SORRY....I JUST WANT TO GET THIS POSTED...AND I JUST LOVE SO MANY PEOPLE....TO NAME YOU ALL....HELL....JUST KNOW YOU'RE ALL LOVED....**

**AAAAANNNNND....ONE MORE THING....I'M NOT REALLY A REVERENT KIND OF PERSON...NOT EVEN IN CHURCH....SO...IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED....ESPECIALLY WITH REFERENCE TO BODY PARTS.....JUST SAYIN....**

**WELCOME TO EPOV....I HOPE I MADE IT WORTH THE READ....**

**EPOV**

I looked at the clock and realized that it was already past 9:00. _Shit. _Simultaneously there was a light rapping on the door. One of my techs, Mary Beth, popped her head in.

"Dr. Cullen? Are you ready? We have a patient waiting in Exam 1." She offered a small smile.

"Yes, yes. I'm so sorry. I'm a little distracted this morning." I had grabbed my white coat off the hook and was trying to put it on. Mary Beth slipped inside and closed the door quietly.

"Distracted? You? Well, since I've only ever seen you like this once before, I'm wondering if this distraction could be a girl?" She arched an eyebrow and looked at me pointedly.

"Actually, yes, I did meet someone this morning." I grabbed my stethoscope and threw it around my neck.

"This morning? And she's already got you in a lust-induced haze? Damn, this girl is good. You'll need to bring her by some time. I'd like to meet the girl that has _finally_ captured Dr. Cullen's heart. Maybe she could give me some pointers?" she said with a wink.

"Ah Mary Beth. I only met her this morning, but yes, I'm sure she'll be coming around at some point. And what do you need pointers for? Haven't you been able to catch the attention of that man you've been crushing on yet? I'm finding that hard to believe." I winked right back and walked towards the door. I opened it up and gestured for her to go out first.

"No," she sighed. "I'm starting to think that he really is just a clueless wonder after all. I've been throwing out what I thought were all the right signals for months, but he just doesn't seem to get it." As we walked down the hall she handed me the patient's file.

"Hmmm, I see Kirby is back again. Migraines?" I said as I read through the notes she had taken.

"Yes, Ms. Derb said that she's really been off lately, more so than usual. Lethargic, loss of appetite and just lays around with her paws over her eyes." She was standing right in front of me now.

"All right, let's check it out." I looked up from the notes and met her eyes. "And Mary Beth, don't worry. If this guy is really as clueless as you say, he's probably not worth your time. If you'll excuse my bluntness, he really kind of sounds like an idiot. You are too young to be wasting time on some guy that can't see what's standing right in front of him."

With her hands on her hips, Mary Beth smirked and shook her head. "You really have no idea, Dr. Cullen."

"Please, I told you that when we're not in with patients to call me Edward." I smiled and opened the door.

"Ok, _Edward_."

As we entered the room I saw Ms. Derb and smiled at her. She smiled right back and raised her hand to wave.

"Well hello Dr. Cullen! Long time no see, huh?" She said with a laugh. Ms. Derb had three cats that were frequent visitors to the clinic. She had quickly become one of my favorites. She had a heart as big as the outdoors and a very contagious personality.

"Let's see. It's been what, at least a week? We're really going to have to stop meeting like this. People are going to start to talk," I said as I walked over to the sink and washed my hands.

"Boo to any who said this torrid love affair would never work. I think it's time to come clean anyway. We could always start with a proper date. You know, dinner, dancing and wine, instead of butt thermometers and rabies shots." She was batting her eyelashes and had a slight blush in her cheeks.

"Actually," Mary Beth interjected, "I'm afraid that Dr. Cullen is going to be breaking many hearts soon enough. He met a girl this morning and seems to be completely smitten."

"Well, well Dr. Cullen. Do tell." Ms. Derb had crossed her arms and was staring at me intently. I looked over and noticed that Mary Beth was doing the same thing. _Resistance is futile, Edward. You better spill or the Estrogen Brigade is going to break you._ _Just like Summer Camp of '89_. _Don't let them break you! Stay cool, Edward. Just play it cool._

I was afraid to look them in the eye. Mary Beth could always read me like an open book. I pretended to be overly interested in the file before me and replied as casually as possible, trying not to let any of my excitement bleed through.

"It wasn't anything really. I was just standing in line for coffee this morning and met a very attractive woman that I happened to get along with rather well. We exchanged numbers and I will probably call her for dinner later. Now, getting back to Kirby…."

"Hang on just one second _doctor_." I looked up and met the stare of Ms. Derb. Her look was intense, even a little scary. She pointed a finger at me. "You can't fool me for one second with that lame ass story. I'm reading between the lines here and have never seen you act this way. I have set you up on dates, with very pretty girls in my opinion. Hell, I've even suggested you date Mary Beth over there. She's a damn cute girl, and I think you two would be lovely together. My point is that after every single one of those dates, your reaction was always kind of blah. Polite, but blah." I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other and looked over at Mary Beth.

Her stare wasn't any less lethal, although her look was more like she was trying to say something to me, like I had missed something very big and very obvious. I cocked my head in confusion and raised my hands slightly as if to say _huh?_

She clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes in response.

_Did I miss the memo on "Awkward Situation for Edward Day"?_

"So I say again, I have _never_ seen you act this way, all coy and not able to meet my damn eye. You must really like this girl. Am I right?" Ms. Derb smirked. I sighed in exasperation and smirked right back.

"Yes, Ms. Derb, I really like this girl. And that's all I'm going to say. If I give you anything more than that, what else will you have to gossip about in your cluster meetings?" She leaned back in her chair and laughed. I turned away to place the file on the counter.

"Well I'll be damned. You know, I was seriously beginning to question which team you were batting for." I narrowed my eyes and peered over my shoulder. Her face took on a look of innocence. "What? It's true."

It was my turn to roll my eyes. I cleared my throat and turned back around.

"Well, you wouldn't be the first. My dear brother Emmett has long been accusing me of engaging in sword fights because I don't whore myself out like he does. Now, if we are quite done with this conversation regarding my sexuality and love life, I think I would like to focus on the task at hand--Kirby." The cat was spread out over Ms. Derb's lap and raised her head lazily in response. She even hissed.

Mary Beth retrieved the cat and the exam was finally started. Ms. Derb was really a delightful person and could talk about anything. I already knew that she was a hardcore football fan, but had also discovered recently she was a die-hard scrapbooker. Apparently she took pictures of anything not moving.

"And how is your nephew doing? Is he still in the hospital?" A Louisiana native, she had moved to Seattle recently to be closer to family. Unfortunately her nephew, who was eerily close to my own age, had suffered a terrible stroke.

"Oh you know, he's hanging in there. We're all struggling with it, but his little sister is having the hardest time of all. I just keep praying for him." Her voice cracked at the end and she sniffed. "You just never know what's going to happen tomorrow. That's why it is so important that you live for today. So you better by hell be calling that girl the soonest you can and give her the best date of her life." She dabbed her eyes and gave me another stare down. I didn't want to say the wrong thing, so I nodded in response. She seemed satisfied with that as she didn't say anymore.

"Well, Kirby seems fine overall physically, but I would like to take some blood samples if that's ok. We should have the results later on today, so I will call you as soon as I know what's going on."

She snorted. "Good luck taking blood. You might want to get another one of your techs in here. She's small, but she's feisty. You might just lose an eye."

The blood was taken with minimal damage caused to the humans. Mary Beth received a small battle wound on her hand, but nothing major. Once Ms. Derb had left with Kirby, I helped Mary Beth take care of it. After washing it out, I started to apply the antiseptic and she flinched.

"Does that sting?" I asked.

"Just a little bit, Edward." I offered a small smile and went back to applying the antiseptic. She flinched again and started to withdraw her hand. I held it firmly in place and bent over to blow on the affected area.

"Does that help?" I looked up and saw that her head was rolled back and her mouth slightly agape. Her cheeks were a bit flush and her breathing seemed a bit erratic.

"Yes, that feels really nice, Edward." Her voice was barely a whisper. Satisfied that the wound was clean and ready, I quickly bandaged it. Mary Beth mumbled her thanks and exited the room.

The morning continued on with little incident, although I found myself more often than not distracted with thoughts of Bella. I was trying hard to focus but had to ask statements repeated back to me frequently.

I even had to make a few trips to the bathroom to get _Eduardo_ under control. Ever the observant person, Amanda asked me if I had a problem with my prostate.

_Eduardo._ I had always found it weird that a man would name his dick, especially after Emmett explained to me how he had come to name his.

One of Emmett's many flings had been with a girl who was a hardcore Weezer fan. To say she was a fanatic would be an understatement. She loved all things Weezer, earthy, vegan and pot, the latter being the reason Emmett started screwing her in the first place.

After a long night of sex, booze and joints, a very high and very giggly Libby decided it would be cute to make Emmett's penis into a puppet.

Emmett told me she squeezed the head until it opened like a mouth, then made it belt out the lyrics of "My Name is Jonas," squeezing it in sync with every syllable.

Ever since that night, he insists it's a member of the family….the other "big" brother, if you will.

And when Esme isn't looking, he'll sign both his name and Jonas's on the family Christmas card. When people ask about it, Esme tells them it's the dog.

As for my own appendage being named, Emmett would be responsible for that one as well. During our junior year of college, he and Jasper had insisted upon a trip to Mexico. Officially, it was an opportunity to participate in the infamous Spring Break. Un-officially, it was a Let's-Get-Edward-Laid trip.

Emmett and Jasper were drunk as soon as they stepped off the plane. They didn't sober up for days after our arrival back to Seattle.

Whenever Emmett would bring girls over to meet me, he would always point to my crotch and say, "Ladies, let me introduce you to Eduardo."

The name stuck. Initially I hated it. It was too weird. Given time, I found myself oddly attached to it.

I would never tell Emmett though.

Eduardo and I became very close over the years. I could almost understand why Emmett had such tender feelings for Jonas. _Almost_.

_I wonder what Bella would think of Eduardo? Oh, Bella._

I couldn't stop thinking about her eyes, her blush, the way she bit her lip, her laugh, all of her.

Instant hard-on.

Bella was fucking gorgeous, hands down. I had never met anyone like her. It wasn't that I didn't notice good looking women; I was a man after all. It was just that I had never had my _body_ respond to a woman like it did with her. Hell, _Eduardo_ had never responded to a woman like that.

Just being around Bella flooded my whole being with feelings I didn't even know I had. It was more than obvious that I was attracted to Bella. I _wanted_ to touch her. I wanted her to touch me. I wanted her to fix me.

When I had been with her earlier, it had felt like there was a physical pull that drew me to her. I had felt comfortable around her, natural. It hadn't even fazed me when I had held her hand or even kissed it. That kind of action was usually quite difficult for me, but with Bella it had felt, well, _normal_.

_Stop. Wait. Normal? Don't get ahead of yourself, Edward. It was just her hand. Not her boob. Or her ass. Or her flower. Flower? Dammit, Esme. No more Friday night checkers/sex talks. _

On the other hand, talking with her had been easy. Conversation had flowed no matter what the topic. I was completely entranced by her. Her voice, the way her mouth moved and seduced me with every word.

She could have talked about anything and I would have loved it no matter what.

She could have asked me anything and I would have told her. _I would have even confessed my problem_.

She was someone who I could easily see myself trusting.

I was realizing that I had never felt this way about a girl. Ever. I had always been able to be charming and appear to be "normal," but everything had always been forced. Going on dates was always torture. Anxiety would always get the best of me before going out. But I had none of that with Bella.

I couldn't say the same for Eduardo, who hadn't stopped twitching since we had left her.

I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a sigh in exasperation. _I want Bella. Now._

I noticed that the clinic was unusually quiet and realized Amanda must have closed up for lunch after the last patient left.

I walked into my office and hung up my coat. After setting my cell phone down on my desk, I sat down. Then I stared at the damn thing.

I wanted to call Bella. I wanted to tell her everything. Tell her that I liked her, that I would like to _actually _get to know her and date her and not just pretend, that I wanted to touch her but didn't know how. _That she made Eduardo twitch_.

I had promised her that I would be a gentleman.

I had promised to keep my hands to myself.

Even when I had caught her staring at my hands earlier and started fantasizing about what I could do with my long piano playing fingers, a promise is a promise. _Damn Emmett and his tales of finger-walking._

Besides, it's not like I could really touch her even if I wanted to. _But I want to so badly_.

I couldn't stop feeling like I needed to tell her everything. The gentlemanly part of me was screaming that she deserved to know what she was getting into.

It wasn't just about making my family's day, as I had told her, or keeping Tanya away. I could care less about that.

I wanted Bella.

_Fuck it all. I'm going to call her_.

At that moment I had a testosterone rush like no other. _I am Edward, hear me roar_.

I picked up the phone and scrolled through my contacts. I got to Bella's name and my finger hovered over the send button.

I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed down.

_Ring._

_Ring._

"_Hello?" _Twitch.

"Bella, it's Edward."

"_Edward._"

"I hope you don't mind me calling earlier than I said I would. I was just taking my lunch and thinking about what happened this morning. That was pretty crazy stuff, huh?" I let out a nervous laugh and ran my hand through my hair again.

Silence. _Um, hello?_

_Shit. Quit acting like you're 12. Turn on the fucking dazzle_.

I cleared my throat and continued.

"Anyway, I was wondering if I could talk to you about our agreement. I know that it was all kind of sudden and we didn't really have time to hash out any details. But there are some things I would very much like to discuss with you. I'm not really comfortable doing it over the phone and was hoping that you might care to join me in a more private setting later?"

"_I bet you'd really like that, wouldn't you?"_

_Wait, what? That's not Bella_. _That voice is fucking scary. Oh shit. Was Bella schizophrenic? _

My testosterone rush was over and done. I could practically feel my balls being removed.

"Uh, Bella?"

"_And what exactly do you have in mind to happen in this private setting you fucking pervert?_"

"I'm sorry, I think there's been a misunderstanding. I was, uh, wanting to talk to Bella…."

"_Where are you?_" she growled.

"Excuse me?"

"_Are you fucking dense? Where the fuck are you?_"

"Um, at work?"

"_And work would be where_?" The voice was becoming angrier by the second. I almost expected a hand to reach through the phone and bitch slap me.

"Uh, the uh, clinic?"

"_Good hell, man. Are you going to answer every question with a question? Do I need to spell it out for you? Where. Do. You. Work._"

I panicked. Did I really want this voice to know where I worked? I could only imagine the damage that might occur with a body that matched the menacing tone. The only imagine I could conjure up was that of Betty Goober from the 5th grade. A gorilla of a girl, she had been abnormally large for her age. Her arms had been as thick as my whole body, her mouth full of metal like Jaws from James Bond.

I could only imagine that she would be at least three times as big now. Hulk big.

She scared the shit out of me to this day.

_Please don't be Betty. Please don't be Betty._

"_Are you still there, bitch?"_

Wait. This isn't 5th grade anymore. And I don't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. I could totally kick her ass.

My balls were back. _Welcome home boys_.

I puffed out my chest and put a little authority behind my voice.

"If you really must know, I work at the Seattle Animal Clinic. Do you know where that is?"

"_That's downtown, right?_" The voice toned down a little. But this was far from over.

"Right. It's across from the Meyer Building. Were you planning on making a visit?" I tried to sound challenging and drew a deep breath, waiting for the response.

"_See you in five_." The phone clicked off and I waited another moment before exhaling.

_What the fuck just happened?_

Betty's face hit my brain again in full-force and my balls shrunk yet again.

My hands flew up to my hair and I dropped to a crouched position, damn near pulling out all my hair. _FUCK_.

I dropped into a full sitting position and slid up against the door, my mind racing with panicked thoughts.

_Did Amanda lock the door? She had to. She always does. _

_Oh my God. I'm going to die. _

_And I didn't even get to cop a feel with Bella. How fucking tragic is that? _

On the off chance that Amanda didn't lock the door, I decided I didn't want to be anywhere in sight. I needed to hide.

_The supply closet. Perfect._ During a remodel a few months ago, we had expanded the size of the closet to our ever growing facility. The contractors had installed the handle wrong and the closet locked from the inside. I continually forgot to have Amanda get someone over to fix it and for once was quite pleased with my failure.

I was going to be just fine. I breathed a sigh of relief. My heartbeat was finally starting to slow down. At least until I heard it.

_Click._

_Click._

_Click._

High heels. Coming closer. Amanda didn't wear high heels. Neither did Mary Beth. _Oh Jesus. Scary voice was here._

_Shit._

I scrambled to my feet and looked around my office in a panic. _Under the desk!_

I hurried over and practically dove underneath. The small space was awkward for my large frame, but I didn't really care at the moment. I would take awkward discomfort any day over death.

The clicking stopped. The handle turned and the door creaked open……

**DUN DUN DUN....WHO COULD IT BE? HMMMMM......**

**MOST PEOPLE WILL SAY REVIEW....BUT I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO OR NOT...**

**THE JONAS STORY? TRUE...NOT MINE...I STOLE IT....FROM A FRIEND...BUT IT WAS JUST SO EMMETT....**


	6. Chapter 6

**MUCH LOVE TO MY SUPER SEXY AND SUPER TURBO BETA BIRDEE....THANKS FOR MAKING EVERYTHING PRETTIER....**

**I APPRECIATE EVERYONE THAT IS STILL READING THIS SHIT....AND LEAVING SUCH NICE COMMENTS....GAD....I'M OVERWHELMED BY THE RESPONSE....**

**UMYEAH...I DID A ONE SHOT...ART MODEL...IT'S ON MY PROFILE....JUST SAYIN...**

**AND NOW THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR....WHO THE HALE IS AT HIS DOOR.....HMMMM.....**

**EPOV**

_The clicking stopped. The handle turned and the door creaked open……_

"Edward?" _What the hell was she doing here?_ I popped my head up and peeked over the desk.

"_MOM_?!" My mother was standing in the doorway with a look of alarm on her face.

"Edward, what on earth are you doing under your desk?" She started to walk over to me.

"I was just, uh, I just dropped something and was uh, well…" I trailed off sheepishly. She stopped suddenly, eyes wide and put a hand up to her mouth.

In a very hopeful but quiet voice she asked, "Is there a girl under there?"

"Wait, what? No! Jesus. Why would I have a girl under my desk?" I reached my hand out from underneath the desk to hold on to it. I scooted my body over and started to pull myself up. I could feel the grime on my fingers from the floor.

Esme sighed. "Well, a mother can hope, can't she?"

"I guess. Why you would hope for a girl underneath my desk is beyond me, though. I would sincerely hope that you would rather I take her somewhere nice." I said as I set my other hand on the floor to push my body up.

"Oh, Edward. Nice places are good, but a B/J under the desk at the office never hurt anyone," she said with a straight face and a too innocent voice. Standing now, my head snapped up, and I looked at my mother in shock.

"Did you just say B/J?" I was practically whispering. It still shocked the hell out of me to hear those things come out of my mother's mouth despite the fact that I was well aware of what she was capable of.

"Yes I did, Edward. Would you rather I say blow job?" I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger and squeezed my eyes shut.

"No Mother, I do not." _Dear God, kill me now._

"You know what you need, Edward? You need a good girl who is confident enough to just shove her hands down your pants and give you a taste of what you seem to have been missing out on all these years. You know, your father and I – "

"STOP. Please stop. For the love of all that is holy, I beg you. Details of your," I shuddered, "_sex_ life make my ears bleed." I went to raise my arm and found that I couldn't. I moved my other hand from my face and wrapped my fingers around the wrist of the other, yanking hard.

Esme continued. "Sex is a very natural thing, Edward. Just because you're obviously not getting any doesn't mean you have to act all embarrassed about it. It's not like you're a little boy anymore. You are a grown man. A little bit on the pussy side, but a grown man nevertheless."

My hand wouldn't move. I bent down to take a closer look.

_Well shit._

My finger was stuck in the desk. _How the hell did that happen_?

Esme paused mid-rant and asked, "What's wrong?"

I threw my head back in exasperation and mumbled, "My finger's stuck in the desk."

"I'm sorry. What was that?"

Using a louder voice and speaking slowly enough as to enunciate every word, I clenched my jaw and said, "My finger. Is stuck. In the desk."

"How the hell does that happen?"

"I don't know, Mother."

She started rifling through her purse and produced a bottle of what I thought was lotion. She squeezed a little onto her fingers while walking over to me and reached out to my stuck hand. Setting the bottle down on the desk, she bent over a little bit to see where the problem was and starting slathering the goop around.

My finger was strangely warm.

Curious, I picked up the bottle to look at it and put it right back down. I looked at Esme pointedly.

"Lubricant, Mother? Really?" This woman was completely unbelievable.

Never looking up, she said, "For emergencies dear."

"_A KY emergency?_"

"You'll thank me when this works. Now, twist it around a bit see if you can pull it out."

And so I did. But the fucker was stuck.

"You're doing it wrong, Edward. Move it a little more like that. Yes, just like that. Now, try pulling it out again."

"It's still, uh, it's just not moving like it should. I think the hole is too small."

"Well, maybe you're just too big. I mean, it kind of feels like it got a little bigger," she said while squeezing the offending finger.

"Here, let me put more lubricant on it. _Edward…_you must….hold…still. I can't do this when you're moving all over the place."

"I'm just trying to get it out of the damn hole."

"Well, you're too big."

"If I was too big, then how did I get in there to begin with? Obviously I should still be able to pull out it out just fine."

"Edward, you _are_ too big. Would you please stop moving? Ouch!" Her hand jerked back. Blood dripped onto the floor. She had cut her damn hand.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?" Her eyes narrowed, and her lips pulled into a firm line.

"Yes, you did. Dammit, I'm bleeding." She placed her mouth on the cut, making a kissy noise when she removed her lips.

"I hate to say it, but that's what happens…."

"Well if you hadn't been wiggling all over the place I wouldn't very well be bleeding now, would I?"

"But once it's broken open like that it's going to bleed."

"Thank you, _Dr. Cullen, _for explaining the mechanics of it all to me. I'm a big girl. I think I know why it bleeds. Ew. This is messy. I need to clean this up."

"Wait, I need to try and pull it out first. This position is more than a little uncomfortable. Just…ung…let me try…gah…to get….it…out….ung."

"You're uncomfortable?! I'm bleeding, Edward. _Bleeding_. You're just swollen and stuck."

My office door flew open, revealing an infuriated blonde followed closely by an elf. The blonde's eyes were wild. She raised her finger and pointed it in my direction.

"I knew it! You are a pervert!" she screamed. The elf stood at the blonde's side, hands on her hips and shaking her head.

The room fell silent momentarily. The only sounds audible was the "tsk tsk" coming from the elf and the blonde's heavy breathing. Esme, being Esme, spoke first.

"Who's a pervert dear?" she asked softly, her eyes flickering between myself and the intruders.

"He is!" both girls shrieked simultaneously.

I couldn't speak. My voice was caught in my throat, blood pounding in my ears.

I could feel Esme's eyes fall on me and stay there. "Edward? ARE you a pervert?" Her voice was, I don't know, hopeful? _There is something wrong with my mother_.

My eyes narrowed and remained trained on my hostile visitors.

"I am most certainly _not_ a pervert. Who the hell are you anyway?" My voice came out a lot louder than I anticipated. Both girls seemed a little taken aback, offering a small reassurance that I might just have the upper hand here.

The blonde spoke.

"I'm Rose and this is Alice," her thumb pointing over to the little elf who was still shaking her head from side to side as if it was trapped in the motion of it.

"Rose and Alice," I muttered. _Did I know her? The voice sounds familiar, but I think I would remember a dynamic personality like that. _

Then just like that, realization hit me like a ton of bricks. "Rose. And Alice. The D.I.D. creators," I spoke slowly. These were Bella's friends. And they were pissed.

Rose, the blonde, opened her mouth then closed it again.

"How did you know about that?" she hissed.

"Bella told me." _Naner naner, bitch_.

"Hi, I'm Esme. The pervert's mother." She stepped forward and gave a little wave. "And who's Bella?" she asked with a smile.

"Bella is a friend of ours that your," her eyes shot over to me and trapped me in a death glare, "_pervy _son is trying to take advantage of."

Esme's hand flew up over her heart, a knowing look flashing on her face.

"Oh thank God," she breathed. "Bella is real."

"What do you mean, Mother? Of course Bella's real." I said, my voice thick with annoyance.

"Well," Esme started, "Tanya told me she ran into you and your girlfriend this morning, but I thought maybe she had misunderstood. It is Tanya after all. It wouldn't be the first time she misinterpreted something. Do you remember the year we all went to Disneyland?" My free hand flew up to cover my face.

"God, Mother. How could I forget," I muttered through my digits.

"Hold up," Rose said. "Who the hell is Tanya?" She was seething. I could hear it in her voice. And the fact that she was here at my office did not elude me at all. She was protecting Bella. I needed to choose my words carefully. Before I could respond, Esme interjected.

"Oh just a little plastic friend of the family…." she trailed off.

"You mean the disfigured skank?" The edge of her tone had softened slightly, but not entirely.

"Yes," Esme answered with confusion. "How did you know…"

"Bella told us."

"Oh."

Silence again. I made a move to get away from my desk when it dawned on me that I was still stuck. I tried to be discreet, twisting it back and forth, trying to wiggle it free from the clutches of the stupid desk that was going in the garbage once I was no longer attached to it.

"What the hell is your problem over there?" I looked up to see Rose nodding in my direction.

"My finger is stuck," I replied flatly.

"How does a finger get stuck in desk?" disbelief coloring her tone.

"I don't know, _Rose_. I just seem to be having one of those days."

"You're a doctor. Aren't you supposed to be smart? I mean, how did that even happen?"

I rolled my eyes dramatically.

"I don't know how it happened. It's not like I had time to think about it, ok? It just…it just happened."

"It seems to have happened when he came out from under his desk," Esme answered brightly.

"What were you doing under your desk?" Rose asked skeptically, one eyebrow raised.

I opened my mouth to speak, but once again, Esme beat me to it.

"I think he was hiding," she attempted to whisper. "I was really kind of hoping that he maybe he was getting –"

"…the pen that I had dropped. Thank you, Mother" I answered through clenched teeth. My next dental visit should be interesting. Never in my life had I ground my teeth together so much.

Rose and Alice the elf looked at each other and giggled.

"And just _why_ were you hiding under your desk?" Rose snorted.

"I wasn't hiding." Both girls cocked their head to the side.

"Fine," I sighed. "I was hiding, ok? But it was only because I had just hung up the phone with scary voice and thought I was going to die. I didn't have enough time to get to the closet –"

"And just what were you going to do when you came out of the closet?" Rose laughed.

"I FUCKING KNEW IT! You're a goddamn queer!" a loud voice boomed.

Of course. _Emmett_. And Jasper was with him.

_All right, Jesus. Where the fuck are you now?_

"Emmett!" Esme scolded. "What have I told you about saying fuck?"

My finger was still stuck.

"Sorry, Mom. Dude, it's about fu-, I mean, time that you came out of the closet. I'm proud of you bro." He walked over and gave me a one-armed slap on the back.

"I'm not gay, Emmett."

"Sure sure, little bro. Now, I need you to sign this." He thrust a piece of paper in my face.

"I'm a little busy right now, Emmett," I said, gesturing to all the bodies in my office.

"And I care because…?"

"Because I'm busy. And it's rude to interrupt. What the hell is this anyway?" I tried to read the print, but his unsteady grip on it prevented me from doing so.

"Just sign it."

"Enlighten me first. I'd like to know what I'm signing. Especially if it's coming from you."

He stomped his foot like a two-year old.

"Fine," he sighed dramatically. "Remember that chick Heather?"

I shook my head no.

"The one with the amazing body but weird eyes?" he pressed.

"Yeah, I guess. What about her?"

"She's suing me."

I laughed out loud.

"It's not funny, dude. I gave that bitch the greatest night of her life. Granted I could only take her from the rear 'cuz I couldn't look her in the eye, but still. Talk about ingratitude," he scoffed.

"Wait. She's suing you because you had sex with her?"

"Well, sort of. She's made this outrageous claim that she has a," he raised his hands to make air quotations, "herniated disc." He dropped his hands back down, the slap audible.

"Pig," Rose blurted. Emmett turned to the voice and smiled.

"Well hello there. I'm Emmett," he said with a wink.

She crossed her arms across her chest and rolled her eyes. Emmett turned back to me, a pleading look in his eyes.

"Eddie, dude, you gotta help me out here. You know I never do anything less than ergonomically correct positions. My mattress is orthopedic approved and I change it every three months. You and I both know there is no fucking way she hurt her back."

"Emmett!" Esme yelled.

"Sorry, Mom. Look, you're a doctor. I just need you to sign this little paper so this mess can all go away and I can get back to my life."

"Get back to screwing you mean?" Rose blurted. He looked back over his shoulder and I'll be damned if the jack ass didn't wink again.

"Don't worry, baby. There's plenty of Emmett to go around."

"I'm so sorry, girls," Esme said. "I must apologize on behalf of my sons, the manwhore and the princess."

"Mom, I'm not gay."

"Dude," Emmett started, "it's ok. It's not like it was really a secret. Now, will you just sign this fucker?"

"Emmett McCarty Cullen! If you say 'fuck' one more time I'm going to hang a sign on our front lawn that says you have a little pee-pee."

"Aw come on, Mom," he whined. "You know I just get passionate when I talk, and sometimes fuck is the only word that sums it all up for me."

"You did it again. I'm calling your father. The sign goes up tonight. Right next to the support gay marriage sign, which I'm voting yes for by the way," she said with a wink to me and a smirk to him. Emmett went white as a ghost.

"You wouldn't. Would you? No, you wouldn't." But she would. She already had the phone flipped open and dialing.

"Holy shitballs, Mom. I swear I won't say fuck anymore." Esme's head snapped up at the word "fuck" and Emmett squeezed his eyes in realization that he had just done it again. I watched her walk into the hall. _Oh yeah. There are other people here._

Rose was still standing off to the side of the door, looking smug.

Jasper and Alice the Elf seemed to be having a private moment. They were staring at each other with such intensity I felt the need to look away. It kind of made me feel dirty, like walking in on someone having sex. _What the hell is that all about?_

Emmett thrust the paper in my face once more.

"Sign it," he growled.

"Emmett, I can't sign that. I'm a _vet_. I treat animals, not people."

"According to her statement I am an animal, so sign the god damn paper."

"I can't."

"You can."

"Can't."

"Can."

"Emmett, do you not see that I'm incapacitated at the moment?" I gestured with my free hand to the desk.

"Is your…wait…is your _finger_ stuck? How the fuck did that happen?" he said while his shoulders were shaking with laughter.

"I heard that, Emmett!" Esme yelled from the hall.

"Fucking Christ," Emmett muttered under his breath.

"He was hiding under his desk," Rose interjected. Emmett looked to her, then to me. His face was lit up like a kid on Christmas morning.

"What the fuck were you hiding under your desk for, Edward?"

"Emmett! Quit saying 'fuck'!"

"Sorry, Mom!" he yelled over his shoulder, his eyes never leaving my face. His grin grew wider.

"Edward, what were you doing hiding under your desk?"

"I think he was hiding from me," Rose said. _Wait. What? Why would I hide from Rose? I don't even know her. _

_Oh shit._

I felt my face contort into an expression of horror.

"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE SCARY VOICE!" I yelled while pointing to her with my free hand. Emmett's shoulders started to shake again while Rose just shrugged hers.

"You were hiding? From a _girl_?" He doubled over in laughter and was slapping his knee. I chose to ignore it and turned my attention back to Rose.

"So, you were the one on the phone?" She nodded yes. "What the hell? I mean, I don't even know you. One second I was talking to Bella and then I'm not – "

"Yeah, I took the phone from her," she stated matter-of-factly.

"Why? You didn't even give me a chance to talk to her."

She snorted. "Look, I'm just trying to look out for my friend, ok? This is not the sort of thing that normally happens after a 'saving'. And since Bella is new at it, I just don't want her to get taken advantage of. She's too fucking good of a person to have that happen."

Emmett stopped laughing immediately as soon as "fuck" rolled off her tongue. He looked up to her and shook his head. He mouthed, "I'm telling". She rolled her eyes in response.

"Ok," I started, "I can appreciate you looking out for your friend. Bella is a very sweet girl. She is. It's one of many things that attracted me to her. But I can promise you that I will not take advantage of her in any way."

"Wait, what are we talking about?" Emmett asked.

"Bella." Rose and I said together.

"Who the fu-, er hell, is Bella?" He glanced around nervously for Esme.

"My girlfriend," I answered. Rose glared at me.

"She is _not_ your girlfriend, princess," she spat.

"You have a girlfriend?" Emmett looked as confused as ever.

"Yes, I do."

"No, he doesn't."

"YES…I….do." I was determined to win this battle. How dare she come down here to my office, accuse me of sexual pervasions, then tell me what Bella is to me? True, she wasn't a 'real' girlfriend, but that was beside the point. All that mattered to me now was being right.

"Dude, I thought you were gay?"

I exhaled sharply. "For the last time, I am _not_ gay!" My blood was boiling.

"I met Bella this morning at the coffee shop. Tanya was there –"

"The banshee?" he interrupted.

"Yes. She lives here now," I said.

"Well fu-huck me. That girl is scary man. If she were the last woman on earth…" he trailed off. "Nope, not even then would I do a guy." He shuddered dramatically and stuck out his tongue in a gag-like motion.

"Anyway," I continued loudly, "Bella was there, and she saved me from the banshee. We talked, and I asked if she would like to be my girlfriend." It was the shortened version, very much edited, but still basically the truth.

Emmett was completely speechless. He stood there with his mouth open. I looked pointedly at Rose.

"This isn't something I normally do. It's really not. I'm not gay. I'm not a sexual deviant. If it makes you feel any better, I promised to keep my hands to myself." I looked to Emmett, my eyes pleading with him to back me up. He looked like he was in a daze, his mouth still hanging open. He was obviously no help, so instead I turned to Jasper.

Strike two.

The little elf was now sitting on Jasper's lap, their foreheads pressed together. I was just about to tell them to get a room when Rose spoke again.

"It's real cute that you want to date Bella and everything, but you don't know her. She doesn't know you. This isn't junior high with check yes or no boxes if you like each other. You can't just ask someone to be your girlfriend after an hour of conversation. It's completely ridiculous," Rose said in a semi-softer tone.

"I know it's a bit unusual for something like this to happen. It's completely out of the ordinary for me, honest. You have to know that regardless of the short time we had together, it is so much more than just physical attraction. I just felt, I don't know, drawn to her. It was like a physical pull that I can't begin to explain." I didn't know how to say it all to get her to understand. Her loyalty to Bella was fierce, and it was obvious that she was going to hedge on this issue at all.

And my finger was still stuck.

"A physical pull?" I didn't miss the skepticism in her voice.

"Eddie," Emmett whispered loudly and leaned over, "that pull you feel? I get that sometimes."

I eyed him quizzically.

"You do?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. _Wait for it….wait…for…it…_

"Yeah, man." He leaned in closer until he was right to my ear. He cupped his hands over his mouth and yelled, "It's called thinking with your dick, man, and it's about fucking time!"

"EMMETT!" Esme was back With a rectal thermometer.

"One more 'fuck' out of your mouth and this goes under your tongue. Got it? Now, get over to that desk and help your brother get his finger out of his desk."

Emmett clamped one hand over his mouth. After criss crossing his heart with the other, he held up three fingers for 'scout's honor' while walking over to me.

Esme's face went from hard to soft as she turned to Rose and spoke.

"Dear, I don't know any more about what's going on between Edward and Bella than you do. But, I can vouch for my son's integrity and tell you that when he says he will keep his hands to himself, he will do just that." Rose looked like she just might believe her.

_Wow. She defended me. With zero sexual references. That's a first. _I wanted to hug her.

Then she continued.

"Edward is just too virtuous for his own good. He's just not the sex-driven playboy that I've always kind of hoped he'd be. So as much as I'd like to say that your friend would be in good hands and mean it to be _in good hands_," she waggled her eyebrows, "it's just not true. At least, not like that. He'll wine and dine her properly and be nothing less than a perfect gentleman. It is, after all, how I raised him," she sighed in defeat.

_And there it is. No more hugs. I'm cutting her off. _

I could say something.

Emmett wrapped his big meaty hand around my wrist.

I could defend myself.

I heard him count down from three under his breath.

I really should say something.

_Blinding fucking pain._

Emmett had successfully removed my finger from its recent residency. _What the fuck is that noise?_

_Oh yeah. That's me screaming. Holy fucking hell that hurts._

I was momentarily distracted from the pain in my finger to a pain in my head. I looked up to see Emmett's other large hand coming down from my skull. He had just smacked me. Hard.

"Jesus Christ, Edward. Shut the eff up. It's just an effing finger." He smiled and winked at me, proud of himself for not saying fuck.

Esme, tight-lipped, shook the thermometer at him but eventually nodded in approval.

I looked at my finger and realized that it was dislocated. It was going to hurt like a mother fucker to get it back in place. I turned to Emmett.

"You dislocated my finger."

"There was no other way."

"There could have been. Maybe if there had been more lubricant-"

"You mean this shit?" He pulled the bottle from his pocket. Esme snatched it out of his hands and threw it back in her purse. I could see Rose watching this all go down, bouncing her sight from one person to the next. Disbelief was written all over her face.

Jasper and Alice were totally oblivious.

"Look. It won't take much to pop it back in. Come here." Emmett beckoned for me to come over to him. I wouldn't budge. No way in hell I was going to let him help again. I would just go to the emergency room.

"No," I stated firmly.

"Edward, quit being such a pussy. Let me see it."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Oh for the love of Christ. Give it here." Rose walked over and grabbed my hand.

She didn't touch the finger, but turned my hand from side to side in hers, looking at it closely.

"You're right. It's dislocated. Shouldn't take much to pop it back in, but it's not going to feel good."

"I'm just going to go to the emergency room." She squeezed my hand and yanked me down so our faces were only inches away.

"Don't be a pussy. Just let me do it."

_How can I say no when I'm getting the death glare_?

"Fine," I sighed. She smirked.

"I'm going to count to three. Just relax and think of something pleasant."

"Do what I do, bro. Soft, tight ass. Big tits. And the va-"

"Emmett! You're not helping!" I hissed.

Rose glared at Emmett while holding onto my wrist with one hand and the finger in the other.

"Ready, princess?"

"I'm not a princess. And yes, I am."

"All right. Remember, pleasant thoughts. One."

_Bella's blush. Don't scream. Bella biting her lip._

"Two." I squeezed my eyes shut in anticipation.

_Bella's laugh. Don't scream. Her soft hand wrapped around my…._

"Three!"

_Ok, scream_.

"I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH BELLA!" _Pain a little too much for you Edward? Pleasant thoughts do not consist of yelling aloud your fantasies jack ass. _

Silence. Absolute silence. I was afraid to open my eyes.

And then this.

"Um, hi Edward."

_Bella._

_Kill. Me. Now. _

**CHAPTER 7 IS ALREADY STARTED....AND I PROMISE....B/E TIME FO SHO.....**

**AND YEAH...REVIEW IF YOU WANT....I STILL DON'T CARE....EVEN THOUGH I LOVE YOU ALL....I REALLY REALLY DO....**


	7. Chapter 7

**a/n: **

**Well gah damn kids.....has it really been a month? I have a laundry list of excuses....but whatever...right?**

**Ok...so last chapter...wow...TONS of reviews...I was blown away....aaaand I did not reply to all....I apologize...but thank you all....it was a most loved chapter....that will most likely never happen again...FLUKERY....totally and completely....**

**A HUGE THANKS TO BIRDEE..THE BEST BETA EVER...I had document fail...she took charge and fixed so I could post tonight...I LOVE YOU BBFF....and not just for your mad editing skills....**

**To all of the many wonderful ladies at twilighted...well hell...if you don't know how much I love you by now then we probably shouldn't hang out anymore...just sayin....**

**I have nothing witty to add beyond this point...so...**

**GREEN LIGHT...GO....**

**EPOV**

I opened my eyes and looked straight at the door. Sure enough, Bella was standing there, her face aglow with that blush that I so very much adored.

_Way to be a buzzkill, Edward._

She bit her lip, and I moaned a little. Rose was still holding my finger and squeezed it very tightly. I did my best not to cry. She leaned up to my ear and whispered, "I can just as easily put it back how it was, _pervert_."

I didn't respond. Instead, I gave a weak smile to Bella and raised my free arm for a pathetic wave.

"H-hi Bella," I stuttered.

_God, how completely embarrassing. Why don't you just tell her how you'd like to fuck her? Oh, only eight ways from Sunday._

"Can we talk?" she asked nervously, looking around at everyone gathered in my office.

"Sure. That would be, uh, nice." _Uh-huh. Nice. You just admitted you wanted to have sex with her in front of everyone. Nice is a very poor word choice._

"Alone?" she pushed.

"Yes, of course. Um, could everyone please step out and give us a minute?" Rose let go of my finger and walked over to Bella.

"I don't like this," she said. "I hope you know what you're doing," she snipped and walked out.

Emmett walked over to give me a slap on the back and a half-hearted hug saying, "It's been nice knowing you, bro." He shook his head woefully from side to side and continued to pat my back. I looked at him pointedly and nudged my head in the direction of the door, indicating it was time for him to leave.

He slapped my back one more time, effectively knocking the air from my lungs momentarily, before finally made his way out.

Esme was looking like, well, Esme. Always a little crazy and hopeful. And God, did she have tears? She sniffed and smiled at me, then walked over to Bella.

I held my breath.

She grabbed both of Bella's shoulders gently and leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"You're so pretty," she sobbed. Before releasing her hold, she turned to me and mouthed, "Don't fuck this up". She finally let go of Bella and walked out.

Jasper and Alice were still staring at one another, completely unaware of anything. I nodded towards them, and Bella looked. She tapped Alice on the shoulder and motioned for them to get out.

Instead of standing up on her own, Jasper simply picked Alice up and carried her out.

_What a strange day._

Bella closed the door softly then turned around to face me again.

"I am so sorry about that, Bella. This has been a most _unusual _day for me, and I sincerely apologize for what I said."

She didn't say anything, instead walking over to me.

She reached forward and gently grabbed my hand with the injured finger. The feeling was warm and soft and tingly.

"You got hurt," she said.

"I did, but it's nothing really." She raised her head and cocked an eyebrow, a smirk on her face.

"Nothing? I doubt that. Enough to make you scream out that you want to have sex with me?" she teased.

It was my turn to blush. I reached up and started rubbing the back of my neck nervously.

"About that….God, I am so sorry. I really am. I just-"

"Did Rose do this?" she interrupted.

"No, no. Well, sort of...."

"It's ok. I've heard men scream worse when they are at Rose's mercy."

"What could possibly be worse than screaming out you want to have sex with a girl you barely know in front of your family and her friends?" I asked.

She winked. "Trust me. I've heard _much_ worse. Rose has a very interesting family tree. Her dad's family is all either military or cops. They're all very straight-laced. Her mom's family is, well, their occupations aren't all....._legal_. Ever hear of Frankie the Tooth?"

"Frankie the Tooth? The mafia guy?"

She nodded grimly. "That's her uncle. And Rose is his favorite niece."

I swallowed. Hard.

"Yeah," she sighed. "The man's got a thing for dental floss, most methods not being anything that Johnson & Johnson had in mind when they put it on the market."

She stared blankly for a moment and shook her head before continuing.

"The point is that all the uncles and cousins are all hardcore when it comes to getting what they want, legal or not. When Rose started to develop at the tender age of twelve and little boys were taking notice of her, men from both sides of the family took it upon themselves to show her a few tricks that would earn fear and respect. So don't worry about it. I know you don't actually want to have sex with me..." she trailed off quietly.

I frowned.

She kissed my finger.

_Twitch_.

"Are you all right?" she whispered.

Still a bit shaken and attempting to wrap my brain around the information divulged to me about Rose, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself before I responded.

"Y-yes," I answered shakily. "I'm fine."

She was doing it again. Biting her lip, her brow creased with worry. I gave her a genuine smile and she offered one in return.

"How did you-"

"I was in the car. Waiting." She dropped my hand and walked around to a chair to sit.

"Waiting for what exactly?" I found my own chair and sat down.

"When you called, I had just told Rose and Alice about what happened. They both get a little passionate about protecting my interests, so it got a little out of hand. Rose took my phone while Alice stood watch, and I wasn't allowed to listen. Next thing I knew, they were taking me to the car. When we got here, Rose told me to wait until she had a chance to talk to you. I knew what that meant, but once Rose gets started there's no stopping her. Other than your finger, I hope she didn't do too much damage."

She was wringing her hands, a lovely blush filling her cheeks. Despite the apparent trauma I had just endured, I couldn't bring myself to tell her all that had transpired. It was bad enough she had heard me yell that I wanted to have sex with her. I think a retelling of recent events would only drive her away further.

"Bella, it was just fine. Really. I was more than a little surprised to see your friends here, but I find it endearing that they are so protective of you." _And scary as hell._

"They are both really sweet girls once you get to know them, even Rose. She comes across slightly homicidal, but she has a heart of gold."

_Just like Frankie the Tooth._

"Rose is just worried that you were some kind of pervert or something. She yammered on about how you were probably just trying to get in my pants," Bella laughed.

_Yeah. About that..._

I cleared my throat and averted my eyes from her face, picking up a pen from my desk and tapping it nervously. I debated internally for a brief moment, my resolve for making a confession of sorts gone.

"Rose is right, you know. We don't know each other, and for all you know I really could be a pervert. I mean, just look at what you walked in on." I hung my head in shame, ready to crawl back under my desk.

"Sooo…are you saying you don't want to be my boyfriend?" I paused mid-tap and looked up, meeting her eyes and a confused expression.

"Well, I uh, I don't…I mean…I want to…it's just…" I stammered.

"Why did you call me earlier?" The pen tapping resumed, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"It's nothing really. I was just sort of hoping to take you to dinner and uh, you know, talk about," I gestured to the space between us with my hands, "_this_."

"Not that I wouldn't love to have dinner with you, but can't we just talk now?" _Oh. Okay. Sure. Why not?_

I gulped. She noticed.

She leaned forward and placed her hand on top of the one nervously tapping the pen. She dipped her head down and to the side to catch my eye.

"Edward," she whispered. "Talk to me, please?"

I was literally rendered speechless. I was unable to form a coherent sentence at the moment. Eduardo, on the other hand, was more than happy to talk to Bella.

_Meet me in the closet_.

She squeezed my hand in reassurance and smiled. Instant calm. _How does she do that? _

Despite being unable to speak clearly to her at the moment, I still found her presence alone infuriatingly calming. It was like being wrapped in a giant blanket of safety.

_Well, it's now or never, Princess. Better spill it. She's going to run away screaming anyway. _

I exhaled sharply before I started, unsure of where to begin.

"Bella, I like you. I mean, I really like you. There's just something I feel when I'm around you that I can't even explain. It's so new to me and so frightening, I don't even know what to call it. I feel calm and safe and comfortable around you. As lame as it might sound, I feel like even after only knowing you for an hour, it's been more like my entire life. I called because I wanted to make a confession of sorts."

_Wow. Mouth runneth over much?_

"A confession?" She looked worried.

"Yes, a confession. I have to admit I wasn't entirely honest with you earlier." She dropped my hand and leaned back into her chair, eyes wide.

"But, you just said…I mean…I thought…"

"No! It's nothing bad. Well, I supposed it could be. I just, wow. I don't even know how to say this…"

"Just say it," she demanded. I propped my elbows on my desk and buried my face in my hands.

"Bella, I am _very_ attracted to you. I don't want this to be a pretend relationship. I want it to be real. I realize that I am probably sounding desperate and somewhat cliché, but I would like to give our fake relationship a real chance. I want for us to date and get to know each other and allow it to progress naturally." The words came out in a rush and very much lacking any sort of grace.

I realized that I had broken out into a sweat and tried to inconspicuously sniff myself. The confession was bad enough without adding foul body odor into the picture.

I felt like I was 15 all over again.

No response.

I listened carefully, waiting for the sound of her footsteps disappearing down the hall, but it was absolutely quiet.

I separated my fingers a bit and peeked through.

She was grinning. A huge grin plastered on her beautiful face.

I slapped my hands down on my desk and asked, "You're smiling?" She rolled her eyes.

"Of course I am, you dork. That's all you wanted to tell me? Was it really that hard?" She was laughing at me.

"Well, yeah, mostly I guess."

"Mostly?" Her grin started to fade a little.

_Shit. The moment is leaving. And fast. Dazzle her dammit!_

I sighed loudly.

"Bella, do you remember me saying I would keep my hands to myself?" She nodded.

"If we're going to do this dating thing for real, then how do you feel about altering the no touching rule?" Part of me, and I don't know how big that part really was, wanted her to reach over and slap me across the face and tell me no touching.

The other part of me wanted her to smack my ass and tell me to drop my pants.

_Say no. Say yes. Say no. Say yes. _

I couldn't decide how I really wanted her to answer. If she said "no," then I wouldn't have to make a fool of myself with my problem. I could continue on in a lust-induced haze and just deal with the longing. _Yeah, sure._

If she said "yes", then I would either have to throw every last shred of my dignity out the window and admit my problem, or crank up the charm, place myself in the role of Rico Suave and wing it. _But Bella's observant. She'll know. You're screwed. _

She hesitated a moment. "Well, if we're going to allow things to 'progress naturally' as you said, then I would think that includes touching, don't you?"

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. _

I dropped my head and banged it against the desk a few times.

"Not right away of course," she rushed, "or maybe not at all. I mean, you were practically forced to say you wanted to have sex with me. Why would you want to even hold my hand? Gah. I don't really know what you're trying to say here. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals."

I looked up at her and saw that her eyes were glistening with tears.

_Act of douche-baggery there much there, Edward?_

"Oh Bella," I said softly, "please don't be upset. This is so embarrassing for me. It's not that I don't want you at all, that's not what I'm trying to say."

"Then what are you trying to say exactly? I mean, one second you're suggesting altering the no touching rule, then you're slamming your head on your desk when I say that will be fine. Is it because you don't think I have a lot of experience? I mean, I don't, but that shouldn't really count for anything," she said with a little sniff. My heart dropped to my stomach.

"What do you mean you don't have a lot of experience?"

"Well," she said while motioning with her hands over her body. "Look at me, then look at you."

I rolled my eyes.

"Physical looks have nothing to do with experience or lack thereof. Why do you doubt that?"

"I don't know," she sighed with exasperation. "I guess like you, this is all very new for me and I'm unsure of what it really is. I have been thinking about it all morning, and as excited as I am about it, I am still not entirely convinced that it is real. Just now you had me convinced that it could be, but then you pull the head banging stunt. It's like I'm waiting for Allen Funt to show up and tell me I'm on _Candid Camera_, that it's all a big joke."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," I started, "but am I understanding that you don't think you're good enough because you lack _experience_?"

_If she only knew_.

"Yes," she whispered.

I reflected on our conversation earlier and how she had expressed similar concerns. She said the idea of dating someone like me was intimidating, that she was plain and ordinary. _What can I do to put her mind at ease?_

"Why did you accept my offer this morning?" I asked.

She shrugged.

"At first I thought the idea was completely ridiculous. People don't just do things like that, asking strangers to be their significant other. But then you sweet talked me a little more and offered the compromise of being your girlfriend but not really being your girlfriend. I didn't see any real harm in that. I thought it would be kind of fun pretending to have a guy like you on my arm. And then you promised no touching, which was both a relief and a frustration..."

"How so?" I interrupted.

"Relief because there would be no pressure to _do_ anything. Hell, I probably wouldn't even worry about shaving my legs. Frustration because you're so hot I would be a fool to pass up an opportunity to cop a feel," she snorted.

"And then you said you were going to leave for Chicago in a month," she whispered, "and I realized at that moment it would never be anything more than no strings attached. I thought it might be good for me to put myself out there and try something different. I didn't actually believe that it could turn into something. I'm still not sure it can."

I puffed my cheeks and blew out a gust of air.

"Would it make you feel any better if I told you that I didn't have a lot of experience either?"

She looked at me questioningly and quirked an eyebrow.

"I find that hard to believe."

"Do you assume all 'gorgeous' guys to be whores?" I teased. Her cheeks pinked a little, but she smiled sweetly.

"I'm just not convinced that you don't have a lot of experience with dating. You could charm the pants off of anyone."

_Then why are yours still on?_

I scoffed, "Right. Well, I never said I didn't have experience in dating. I have limited experience in...other...areas."

She leaned forward and cocked her head to the side. "What might those other areas be?"

I leaned back and shifted my eyes down.

"Well...it's just that…uh…I..have a little...problem," I stammered.

"A....problem?" She asked nervously.

"Yes. I uh, I just…I have a problem…._pleasuring_…a woman…as in, I don't….I mean…I can't…"

"Oh. Is that all?" she asked flatly, no surprise at all in her voice.

_What does she mean "is that all"? Um, hello?_

"Um, yes. Basically, yes."

"Well that's not really anything to be ashamed of."

"It's not?"

_What the hell is she talking about? Of course it's humiliating. _

"No, actually, lots of men have the same problem," she answered matter-of-factly.

"They do?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

_How does she know that?_

"Yes. In fact, I think it's more common than people realize. They have pills for that you know. Haven't you seen the commercial with the couple sitting in the tubs on the beach holding hands? I think the commercial itself is rather silly, but there are options out there, Edward, to help you with your _problem_."

_Oh my God. She thinks I can't get it up. _

_Hell. No. _

"Uh Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"That's not my problem."

"It's not?"

"No. I don't have a problem…down….there."

"Oh." She looked down at her hands then back up at me. "I didn't mean to assume…I mean when you said….it's just how you said you couldn't…"

"I can't touch women," I blurted.

Silence.

"You can't….touch…women?" A smile played on her sweet lips, but she kept a straight face.

"Nope," I said with a pop of the "p."

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Ok."

"Ok?" She nodded.

"Ok. Really? That uh, doesn't bother you?"

"Well, when you say you can't touch a woman, you mean you literally can't touch them?"

"Yes. I….gah…I don't…I can't and I don't know how…to touch."

"So are you still a…you know…a…virgin?"

"No."

"No? How does that work?" she questioned.

"It's a long story and rather unpleasant for me to relive. I am not a virgin, but I also don't whore myself out."

She concentrated on my face for a moment, seeming quite thoughtful about something. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before speaking.

"We'll leave that story for another day, but I am curious how exactly you want to alter the no touching rule when you can't touch anyway?"

"Well, I didn't want to assume…or think…I just….God…was kind of hoping that maybe….you could um…you know…maybe…help me?"

"Help you?"

"Yes."

"With touching?"

"Yes."

"Because you feel comfortable with me?"

"Yes."

"Wow. You really do need to be saved don't you?"

"You have no idea."

She bit her lip, looking thoughtful again.

"What kind of touching do you want help with exactly?" she asked, looking smug.

_Surely you jest_.

She really wants me to spell it out for her? No, she has to be kidding.

"Um, well, you know. Like….touching," I choked out in a puberty-like squeak. Bella stood up and sauntered seductively over to my desk.

_Oh. My. God. _

"But what _kind_ of touching, Edward?" she asked, her voice dripping sex, swaying her hips as she walked. How she managed to saunter over with a sexy sway in such a short distance was beyond me.

_Double twitch._

Inches away from where I sat, she stopped and motioned to my lap with her hands.

"May I?" she asked sweetly.

_Bella, Eduardo. Eduardo, Bella. _

A nod was all I could manage. I was completely frozen. _Bella wants to sit on my lap. Um yeah, about that...._

I was in serious need of an adjustment in my pants, but I had no idea how to pull it off discreetly. I opted instead to remain paralyzed and act surprised when she felt the bulge.

Her expression did not change once she settled in. And she didn't really sit.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. Why?

Because she fucking straddled me.

And I could only imagine that my face showed it all.

The chair had no arm rests, which made it less awkward for her to assume the position, but in no way helped the raging hard-on that was slowly edging my zipper down.

Her eyes never leaving my own, she placed both of her tiny hands on top of my own and lacing her fingers through raised them to her face and placed one on each of my cheeks.

"Touching like this?" she whispered

_Nod_.

Ever so slowly and in the most torturing of ways, she moved them from her cheeks and grazed our entwined fingers down her slender neck to her shoulders.

"What about this?" her voice still quiet and breathy.

_Nod_.

She removed her hands from my own, her delicate fingers inching their way up my arms until she reached my elbows. Gently grabbing on to them underneath, she guided my hands from her shoulders down her arms. They came to rest at her waist where she pushed them to wrap around her.

"And this?"

_Nod_.

Our breathing was becoming heavier by the moment, the rise and fall of our chests in perfect synchronization.

"Edward," she started softly, "I can't believe I'm actually doing this. This has got to be the craziest thing I have ever done in my life, but something tells me that this next month is going to get even crazier."

Her eyes were full of lust and kept darting down to my lips while she licked her own.

I knew it was coming. I could do nothing to stop it. Bella was going to kiss me.

I was having an internal freak out.

Knowing was driving me crazy. It was the equivalent of going to the eye doctor and taking the test that blows air into your eye. You know the puff is coming. You try really hard to keep your eye open. But your eye instinctively wants to close.

My instinct was to run away.

Given the fact that she had me pinned it wasn't really an option.

She cupped my cheeks with her hands and started to lean forward.

_Oh God. Oh God. Oh God._

She didn't stop. She pressed her lips softly to mine.

Panic filled me and my body stiffened in response. She pulled away, her mouth still hovering close to my own.

"And that?" she whispered.

_Twitch_.

_Twitch._

_Nod._

Her eyes fluttered shut, and she pressed her lips to my own once more, a little firmer this time. She moved her hands from my face and placed them at my neck, one hand fisted in my hair. My body shivered in response, the grip on her waist tightened.

My heart was racing frantically. I felt as though it was going to jump right out of my chest. I was unable to relax at all.

I was breathing hard through my nose, afraid to open my mouth despite the wretched sound I was making. I didn't want her to think that I was going to slip her the tongue, tempting as it was. I inhaled once more and held it, trying to rationalize that stopping my breathing all together was a brilliant solution.

She giggled against my mouth and pulled away once more.

"Breathe, Edward," she laughed softly, echoing my own words from earlier. I exhaled sharply and met up with her eyes once more.

She seemed to be searching for something in my face, her eyes darting away from my own in brief intervals.

"Was that ok?" Her voice was still soft, but not as breathy. Her left hand remained in my hair while she brought the other around to cup my cheek once more, stroking it softly with her thumb.

I leaned my head into her hand and closed my eyes, a big stupid grin breaking out and a small groan escaping my lips.

"Um....that was…..more than ok, Bella," I said while opening my eyes.

Her face lit up and she just glowed. I felt myself relaxing more with each passing minute, even feeling a bit empowered knowing that I might not be as much of a failure as I thought myself to be. Of course, I had to give all the credit to Bella.

Bella leaned forward again. I immediately took that as a sign there was another kiss coming. I assumed the position, leaning forward and puckering up a bit with my eyes closed.

Her lips never met mine. I panicked again, afraid to open my eyes. Trying to play it cool, I leaned forward more, turning my head ever so slightly side to side in search of her mouth.

I met nothing but air.

"What are you doing, Edward?" she whispered. My eyes flew open. I could only imagine that my appearance was that of a deer in headlights. Bella was staring at me.

_Um. Nothing?_

"I was, um, going…to, uh…kiss you?" I stammered.

"There's something I want to try first," she said.

"Ok?" I answered.

She giggled. "Relax, Edward. Just trust me, ok?" She looked into my eyes pleadingly, her lip jutted in a slight pout.

"Guh-huh." _Guh-huh? What? Is that even a word? I inwardly rolled my eyes at myself._

"Just hold absolutely still."

She said nothing more, offering only a reassuring smile and the warmth of her eyes.

She snaked her arms around her own waist and unwrapped my arms from them. Repeating her earlier movements, she grasped my hands in her own and dragged them up her sides and around until they stopped just beneath her breasts.

_Was she going to…no..she couldn't possibly. But, what if…oh God. Is she going to let me touch her boob?_

Victory was surely mine. Right?

It was then I realized that my hands were shaking uncontrollably. There was no way this was going to go well.

My head became very light, and a lump formed in my throat. I could feel the perspiration gathering on my neck and forehead. My instinct was to wipe it away, but I was afraid to move my hand.

I wanted to touch the boobs.

I was going to puke.

No. No throw-ups. Keep it together, man. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Focus.

Touch. The. Boobs.

She held my hands tight and moved them up slowly.

I chickened out and squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to witness the disaster that was about to take place, but dying to just feel those pert little babies.

Up.

Up.

Closer.

Closer.

Clooooser….just a little bit further.

_The mother bird has landed. Repeat. Mother bird is home._

My fingers recognized their location instantly. It was…different. Good. Round. Soft. Kinda squishy. Even through the thin layer of fabric I could tell this was the Promised Land.

Each hand was completely covering each delicious breast. I wanted to squeeze so badly, but I restrained myself. Bella was leading me. I didn't want to fuck it up.

Her hands gave mine a little squeeze, which in turn squeezed her boobs.

_Honk_.

My eyes flew open.

I didn't even look at her face. I just sat there, shamelessly staring at her boobs. I couldn't get over the fact that my hands were on them. I could feel my mouth had dropped open but made no move to close it. This was….awesome.

Her hands had moved themselves to my wrists, her grasp gentle but firm.

I could feel her staring at me.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from her boobs. The same thought looped through my brain over and over again.

_My hands. Were on Bella's boobs._

_Unbelievable. _

It was like the year I got a Nintendo 64 for Christmas. And all I could do was scream, "NINTENDO SIXTY-FOOOOUUUUUURRRR!"

Screaming would be inappropriate.

Even though I really wanted to scream, "BOOOOOOOOBS!"

I didn't.

For the second time that day, the door swung open.

I didn't even attempt to look and see who it was. My eyes were on the prize.

Boobs.

This was a moment I wanted burned in my brain forever.

"MOM! EDWARD'S COPPING A FEEL WITH SOME GIRL IN HIS OFFICE!" _Emmett._

Panicked, my hands snapped down to my sides and Bella jumped off my lap, her face pooled with every last drop of blood in her body. A hand ran down her clothing, attempting to smooth it out while she dropped her head, her hair forming a curtain around her face.

Esme appeared seconds later, wide-eyed and panting from her dash. Her face fell when she saw no sign of Emmett's claim. I shrugged my shoulders as casually as possible, trying to let her know that nothing had happened. I most certainly did _not_ want to get into that conversation right now.

Esme smacked Emmett on the back of the head and grabbed his ear, dragging him out of the room and muttering, "What am I going to do with you, huh? It's enough that you say 'fuck' all the time. What have I told you about lying?"

"I'm not lying mom, I swear! Edward was groping her tits. Ow!"

Bella and I looked at each other and started laughing. Awkward, but comfortable.

"Well, _that _was interesting," I mused.

"Definitely," she giggled.

"And just so you know," she continued, her hair still hiding her somewhat, "I don't really do that. What I just did. Just now. That was a very Bold Bella moment. Kind of a first for me. I have _never_ done anything like that before."

"You seem to be doing that a lot today," I mused with a smirk.

For the first time since she had walked into my office, she blushed.

"Yeah, I guess I am," she mused.

_I wonder if that blush is just her in her cheeks?_

That thought alone made me blush. I shook my head quickly to dispose of the thought. Not like I wasn't hard enough already. The thought of Bella's breasts exposed to me...

_Dear God Almighty._

It struck me suddenly that I needed to dispel any thoughts Bella might be having about what just occurred or what had been said. I realized that although she had initiated the act, I didn't want her to think that I was just using her.

"Bella, I - "

"You know, if you weren't so god damned beautiful I would totally kill you right now." _Are you kidding me?_

I turned every so slowly in my chair and found Amanda standing in the doorway, seething with anger. Her eyes were afire with a look I had only seen one other time.

The time she had told me about beating her husband's face with her cell phone.

I tried to smile, but the corners of my mouth refused to cooperate.

"I leave the office for one fucking hour and look what I come back too." Her voice was eerily calm, with a definite undertone of someone's-going-to-die behind it.

"Your whore of a brother is sitting at _my _desk using _my_ computer to look at porn. Your mother is on the phone pledging money to a gay activist group and is all kinds of excited about the rainbow bumper sticker she'll get in return. Your friend Jasper is in some kind of trance with what appears to be a runaway Dungeons & Dragons character. Oh yeah, and there's a blonde super model wandering around like she fucking owns the place. Care to explain?"

I shook my head slowly from side to side, not wanting to anger the beast.

"Good, because I really don't want to hear it. I'm leaving now to go the hospital. Apparently McDonald's Big Mac's are labor inducing."

My eyes traveled non-seductively down her body only to see the very obvious wet spot confirming that Amanda had gone into labor.

"C-can I do anything to h-help you?" I asked. Her eyes narrowed.

"No. I've seen your delivery techniques. Don't think I've forgotten the goat incident."

Remembering that Bella was standing in the room, my eyes moved over to her. She was standing completely still. She must have felt my staring as she turned to face me, a look of horror upon her face.

"_Goat?"_ she mouthed to me.

"Hey!" Amanda yelled. My eyes snapped back to her.

"I'm not done talking to you. Like I said, _I'm in labor and I'm going to the hospital_. The number for the temp agency is at my desk. In big fucking letters. You can't miss it. You need to call them and ask for Kelly. She's been here before, remember? When I was out with pneumonia?"

I nodded.

"Good. She knows the job and she does real well. If she's not available, don't let anyone else come over. Have Mary Beth handle the desk until Kelly can get here. Got it?"

I nodded again.

"When I get back in six weeks and if things are not how I left them, I'm going to kick your ass and that beautiful mug of yours is giving me another raise. Don't. Fuck. This. Up. I really would hate to mess you up."

With that she turned to leave.

It felt like forever before Bella spoke.

"You're right, Edward. This really has been a most unusual day."

There were no words. I could only nod. Again.

"Edward," Emmett's voice boomed, "you fucking pussy! Ow! Jesus, mom, would you quit smacking my fucking head?! Ow! For the love of....Edward, the little black book out here says you've got an appointment coming in soon. Quit with the gropefest already and do your effing job! See? I can totally not say fuck. Ow!"

My hands went up to my face in a pathetic attempt to rub out the frustration, when I felt her little hand on my shoulder. I turned my head up to look at her, my worries dispelled instantly when I met her warm eyes.

"You need to get back to work. I'm going to head out, but maybe we can talk later?"

"I would love nothing more," I said sincerely.

"Ok, um, I'm gonna go then," she said nudging her head in the direction of the door. She paused for a moment before removing her hand from my shoulder and walking away.

"Bella?" She stopped mid-stride and looked over.

"Yes, Edward?"

"Is it all right then, if I call you? Later?"

She smiled.

I melted.

"That would be very nice, Edward. I'll talk to you later." She bit her lip and ducked her head before walking out.

I was seriously considering closing down the office for the rest of the day.

"EDWARD!" Emmett yelled. "GET YOUR ASS UP HERE!"

I walked out to the lobby and stood in front of Emmett, who was in fact sitting in Amanda's chair.

Without looking up, he motioned with his hands for me to come around to the other side. I rolled my eyes and walked over.

"Dude. Check out her tits," he said pointing to the screen.

"Emmett, this is a work computer. A _work_ computer. Please don't use it to engage in extra-curricular activities."

Not taking his eyes off the screen, he scoffed and said, "I thought you might want to look at them _without_ a shirt on so you wouldn't be so effing surprised. You were staring at her ta-tas like you had won the effing lottery."

"Shut up, Emmett."

The silence was deafening. I looked around and saw no one around.

"Where did everyone go?"

"Mom left to go have lunch with Dad, which means he's totally scoring. The model left with boob girl, and Jasper took off Dukes of Hazzard style with the little person."

"Dukes of Hazzard?" I questioned.

"Yep. Jumped in his car through the window like it was the fucking General then yelled 'The South will rise again' while driving away."

I looked at my watch and saw that the lunch hour was dangerously close to ending. I had yet to call the temp agency. I started looking around Amanda's desk when the door opened.

_Mary Beth_.

"Thank God you're here, Mary Beth."

She stopped dead in her tracks and raised an eyebrow.

"Um, ok."

"Amanda's gone into labor and is off on maternity leave. She told me to call the temp agency, but I can't find the number," I said while looking around the desk.

"It's ok. You don't need to call the temp agency. I know how to do the job. I knew Amanda was getting closer, so Ben said he would be fine to pull more hours doing my job while I sat at the desk."

"Wow. Really? Thank you. So very much. You are amazing."

She ducked her head down and walked away...blushing? Interesting.

_Patients are coming. Not time to analyze. Get it together_.

I needed to clear my head. Too much had occurred in a short span of time.

I was on overload.

And I had, well, a load that was desperately seeking release.

Dammit.

Just a few more hours, then I could call Bella.

_Everything will be ok. Right?_

**Well good golly Edward...this is like the longest day ever....7 chapters worth? And he already got to touch her ta-ta's? Wow...I think it's time for a day change...don't we agree? **

***nods vigorously***

**I always say I don't care if you review...but I changed my mind....**

**REVIEW PUH-LEASE....**

**Next update will be sooner...I promise? Yes...definitely almost kind of promise....**


	8. Chapter 8

**Wow...sorry for taking so damn long to get this chapter out...you should be used to this by now...you should also know I suck at replying to reviews....so apologies in advance if you are unintentionally denied...but thank you....**

**The chapter was getting ridiculously long, so I broke it up into 2 parts. This is part 1. Part 2 will be along....**

**To ALL my ladies...every last one of ya...you know who you are...you know how I feel....this a/n would be pretty damn long once I start with compliments...so just know you're loved....I know I am....loved that is...and it gives me dolle tingles all over....**

**BPOV**

It had been one week.

One week since I had agreed to be the girlfriend of Edward Cullen, a man that I barely knew.

One week and we still hadn't been on a date.

How retarded was that? Very, I say.

It didn't help matters any that Rose was skulking around with this "I told you so" attitude that made me want to punch her in the baby-maker.

After our "talk" and Edward's confession of not being able to touch a woman, he had called me later that evening as promised. Only we hadn't made plans to go out. He'd told me that we would have to postpone dinner because there were some problems at work. Things had been a little hectic with his receptionist on leave and he stayed late with a few members of his staff to get it straightened out.

The next evening there was an animal emergency. Someone's cat had crawled into a muffler and got stuck.

The day after that, a dog had been hit by a car and needed emergency surgery. Edward had even stayed the night at the clinic to stand watch over the poor animal.

Thursday was a hamster that, well, had been used for recreational activities. Rose had scoured the ER's that night convinced that it was Edward that had played hide-the-rodent-in-my-ass. She was really struggling to accept that he was a good guy and was looking for anything that would give her a reason to kick his ass. She was lonely and horny and looking for a fight.

On Friday, Edward had to fly out to Chicago to finalize plans for the clinic he'd said he was opening there with a friend. He didn't get back until late Sunday night.

We'd talked on the phone quite a bit and done our share of texting. But that's just not the same.

I wanted a date, dammit.

Not once, during all of the conversations we'd had, had he touched on the subject of why he couldn't touch women. He didn't bring it up and I didn't ask. Despite my impatience and overactive imagination, which constantly reminded me of all the things that I could and wanted to show him, I knew he was embarrassed about it. It just didn't feel right discussing it over the phone.

_By the way Edward, I found this book the other day and wanted to draw your attention to page 42…_

Yeah. That wasn't how I wanted to handle it. I focused instead on the agreement we'd made for natural progression.

It was really nice being able to just talk anyway, to get to know him better. Our conversations were completely random, but always filled with trivial facts about one another.

I knew that if this was going to work, I was going to have to ease him into it. Especially since I knew that I'd shocked him last week with my bold moves. Hell, I had shocked myself. The more I'd gotten to know him through conversation, though, the more clear my mission became.

I needed a plan. Better yet, I needed lesson plans.

I had made a lot of assumptions about Edward in the beginning. The very first day I'd met him, I already had him pegged for a man that knew his way around a bedroom. I had made the assumption based on his looks, charms and how comfortable he seemed around me, especially with all the little touches here and there.

I had been so very wrong.

By all means, I had been correct about his looks and charms. I mean, just looking at him gave me a tsunami wave of pleasure that curled my toes.

And then there were his charms. How one man could possibly be so charming was beyond me. I did a lot of internal swooning whenever we talked. I had come to the conclusion that he could charm the pants off anyone, as I frequently removed mine during conversations.

Edward was always so confident, so collected. It was annoyingly attractive. He was also incredibly flirtatious, very much like what I had witnessed upon our initial meeting.

But then I had seen him vulnerable and nervous when I had shown up at his office. It was kind of refreshing and strangely reassuring, empowering even to know that my mere presence could make him anxious. To have a glimpse at that part of him that he worked at hiding from the world gave me an adrenaline rush.

_Why?_

It gave me a little bit of pleasure to see beyond his external perfection, to see that he had insecurities and failings like the rest of us on the inside.

It was also exciting to me because…I was a fixer.

I wanted to fix Edward.

And I would do my damndest to ensure that happened. I would endure the compliments, attention, charm, kissing, groping, fondling and petting with a smile on my face if that meant I'd end up with Edward in bed, er, by my side.

_I'm taking one for the team._

Who the hell was Ikidding? This was all for Bella. It was my time to shine.

And shine I would in post-coital bliss.

Although, I loathed the fact that we had yet to see each other or have a real date. Still the conversations had been good. Those talks and banter had allowed us an opportunity to get to know one another. I much preferred the idea of getting to know him in person, so that I could observe his mannerisms and witness his behaviours. But I would take what I could get at this point.

Besides, I could always tell when he was smiling. I could "hear" it. His voice was naturally deep and smooth, but when he would smile it was a little less controlled and the pitch was slightly higher. It made me feel so good to know that I had that kind of affect on him. When we talked, I visualized him running his hands through his hair when he got frustrated by my thousands of inane questions.

We had talked about anything and everything, actually. Sometimes the discussions were light and consisted of ridiculous topics, such as my secret love of cheesy fiction or my uncharacteristic addiction to loud and angry music rather than bubblegum pop. Edward harboured an irrational fear of paper bags and owned every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. ---. It was in those moments that I'd discovered he used Colgate while I preferred Crest. His favorite food was anything Italian, while mine was primarily cheeseburgers.

Other times the conversations ran a little deeper. Like the time he'd told me why he'd become a vet. He'd always had a propensity towards saving injured animals as a child, always bringing home strays or rescuing birds his brother had thrown rocks at. He had always wanted to fix them and it was extremely difficult for him when they were beyond fixing and ended up dying. During conversations like those, I cried. A lot. In that moment, I was glad he couldn't see me because my face got all blotchy. Heartfail moment with a hint of vanity...

As unfortunate as his experiences were, I couldn't really relate to them. I'd never had a pet as a child. Well, not a real one like a dog or a cat. I had always had a fish. And since I didn't care too much for them in the first place, they didn't really count. So I related the best way I knew how. When Edward had finished spilling his guts about his Old Yeller experiences, I countered with a story of my first two fish; Pebbles and Bam-Bam. I'd told him how they had somehow formed a suicide pact, Pebbles refusing to eat and Bam-Bam jumping out of the bowl.

The whole affair had been more tragic, I think, for my dad than me. He had to sit me down and explain life and death. You would've thought I was asking him about my period it pained him so.

Edward had not responded right away and I had worried that perhaps I had offended him with my lame attempt of having the death of a pet in common. No sooner had I thought that than I could hear him snorting through muffled laughter on the other end.

Sometimes our phone calls would have three or four interruptions, but always with the promise of a call back. We had tried and failed on several occasions to even try to get together during the day for a simple lunch date. It seemed as if we could never get together. If it wasn't his job, it was mine.

And usually, my job was never busy. Ever. But there was a sudden surge in filing. And Rose, bless her cold, black heart, had miraculously managed to get me a few photo shoots as well. Not that I wasn't grateful for the cash, but taking pictures at a party for a recently released felon was not exactly something I wanted to put on my resume. But since it was for Rose's cousin, how could I say 'no'?

You don't say 'no' to Uncle Frankie or his felon children. Correction: _alleged_ felon children.

I made it through almost completely unscathed. I was only asked twice if I only took pictures of the living.

So, when I wasn't talking to Edward on the phone, or going to my job, or cleaning the apartment…again, I was thinking about Edward. Well actually I was thinking about him during those other times, too. Admittedly, I had frequent insecure girl moments when I questioned what the hell I was doing with him, especially since we had not seen each other for what felt like…forever.

The biggest question of all was: _is this really going to work? _

It could, in theory, actually. We had an ideal situation. Edward had made it clear that he wanted to date, but he'd still left me with an out. _No strings attached._

That stipulation was both my saving grace and my own personal hell.

Saving grace because it squashed my insecurities and gave me confidence that I'd never before experienced, knowing that this beautiful man wanted me…_me_, to be his.

My personal hell because I was constantly over thinking everything and questioning his real motivations. I worried that maybe Rose was right after all, that Edward's motivations were mostly selfish and would eventually lead to my heart being broken. I had very little experience with relationships and this one was far from the norm anyway. The entire basis for our dating was unique in nature and it's not like there was a handbook on how to handle it. Initially I found it easy to put the blame on Rose because she was such a negative nancy about it all, but when I was being honest with myself I accepted that the seed of doubt was part of my genetic make-up.

I worried that I would be a complete failure at helping him in the way he requested. I believed that he really did want to get to know me better and that we had a mutual attraction. The sexual aspect was a definite perk, especially since I would get to be the one setting the pace and leading him along.

But then my mind would go into overdrive and I would wonder if I was going to be good for him. Would he know the difference between good sex and bad sex? What if I wasn't up to par with what he needed? What if I completely failed and could not get him comfortable with touching? What if once he figured it all out and was comfortable he moved on to a prettier face and nicer body?

I had never told Edward about my fears. I wanted to believe that the "no strings attached" applied only to me. He had trusted me with his deepest secret, after all. If I gave in and allowed my own personal weaknesses to be known, the story might have a different ending. He might give up before we even really get started. The fear was put at ease the second I heard his voice, but it wasn't like I could carry him around in my pocket all day.

He'd never fit.

And he made me feel good about myself. Edward made me feel as though the sky was the limit. I had never, in my life, acted the way I did when I was around him or talking to him. Our connection was quite possibly the strangest and yet, _best_ circumstances I had ever been in. I didn't want to be over-eager and drive him away. I had worried for hours on end after our previous encounter that my actions had been too much for him, despite him telling me it had been more than ok. Confidence was key, but in regulated doses. The Bold Bella moments were becoming more frequent as my comfort level increased. In fact, they were becoming so frequent that I sort of worried that the next time I saw him, I would club him over the head and drag him off to the lair that was my bedroom.

Maybe not so much a lair since the walls were purple, but it wasn't like I couldn't make purple kinky. If Prince could do it, so could I...

It is now Monday evening and I'm sitting at home with Rose, pretending to watch football. We're sitting at opposite ends of the couch, both with our legs curled under us. I decided to scoot down a little more so I could lay my head on the arm rest. Football is exhausting. Watching the men run back and forth and all over exerts me like I'm the one participating. My eyes getting heavier. Just as I felt myself slipping into a doze, my phone started ringing. I looked at the display and my ovaries cheered. _Edward_.

"Well hello there stranger. Long time no see," I cooed into the phone. Rose shot me a dirty look from her end of the couch and I flipped her off in response.

"_Well hello yourself beautiful. What are you doing right now?_" he asked.

I shrugged and then did a mental head slap because he couldn't see me. _Duh._

"Not much, just hanging out with Rose watching the testosterone fest that is football."

He laughed."_Sounds like a good time_. _Are you full of hot dogs and beer? Or do you think you might be hungry for some dinner_?"

I did a fist pump in the air.

"Dinner sounds wonderful. What would you like to eat?" _Please say me. Please say me. Please say me. _

"_I realize this is short notice so I'm not really prepared with reservations anywhere that I would like to take you to, but in honour of Monday Night Football, would you accept pizza_"

At this point, I would have accepted McDonald's, as long as I could be there with Edward.

"Pizza sounds great. Um, what time?" That was more than all right. It was like VH1's Best Week Ever. Because really it was.

"_Is it all right if I pick you up at 6:30?_"

I told him that was fine and gave him my address since he had never been over. The second I hung up the phone I squealed and stomped my feet rapidly on the floor in excitement.

Rose said nothing, instead she turned up the volume on the game instead.

I looked over and stared until she finally turned.

"What?" she snapped.

"What yourself. No smart ass comment? No huff of disgust? No threat of physical violence? Really, Rose. I've come to expect this from you. I find your silence disturbing."

She shrugged and turned her eyes back to the TV.

"You're a big girl. You can date whomever you want. It doesn't seem to matter what I say anyway, so I've decided to just shut my fucking mouth."

I narrowed my eyes. Something was not right.

"Promise?" I asked slowly.

She rolled her eyes and nodded.

I wasn't entirely convinced, but I let it go, basking in the feeling of being in the presence of an almost nice Rose.

This was nice for now, but if I was being honest, I didn't really like it. I already missed bitchy Rose.

I huffed my own disgust on her behalf and got up from the couch to get ready. One shower and ten changes of clothes later, I was ready to go. My hair was still damp from the shower, but if I knew that if I were to try to do anything else with it, a disaster was sure to strike. Fashion was not my thing. That was more of was more Alice and Rose's department. Since Rose was being a little weird with her kindness, I didn't want to ask. And Alice had been MIA since last week.

She had left Edward's office with the tall blonde and we hadn't talked to her since. Rose and I had come home to find a note on the kitchen table full of "y'all's", but nothing else. Alice was from Mississippi and only got all Southern when she talked to her mama or was going home for the holidays.

So, the only conclusion we could come up with was that she'd taken that skinny white boy home to meet the parents. And the sisters. And the cousins. Alice had the largest family known to man. I thought, frequently, that she was possibly related to half the state.

Anyhow, despite the fact that fashion, accessorizing, and make-up were not really my thing, I decided I could at least try for Edward. I didn't attempt anything too complicated like blush or eye-shadow because, as Alice had informed me on more than one occasion, there was a technique that I had yet to master when handling the tricky colored powder.

I did try mascara, although my success was questionable. I'd known going into this that my biggest problem was balancing out the length, height and amount of black goo applied to the lashes. That really was a most ridiculous problem, but it was impossibly true. In the past, I had started with one eye and move to the next once I had been satisfied. But then, the next eye would never match the first, so it really was inevitable that I would have to move back to the first to balance it with the second. Back and forth I had gone until what had started out as a simple task, usually turned into clumpy spider legs. It was a vicious cycle of finding symmetry.

This time, I wanted to make it work. And I tried. I did. And…I was doing well at first, balancing out each side completely with focus. I'd nearly finished, but then one wrong flick of my wrist ruined everything. A wispy smudge landed on my lid and all of my attempts to simply wipe it away were foiled. I kept trying though and my botched adventure with make-up ended up being the biggest mess ever. I'd managed to clean it up a little, but then there was the dark stain left on the tip of my finger that had been involved in said wiping. It didn't seem to obvious unless you were looking closely, but I decided I better not draw any attention to it just in case Edward turns out to be overly observant.

I sighed in defeat after Adventures in Make-up was over and wandered back into my room to put my shoes on. I didn't own very many pairs, much to Alice's chagrin, but I failed to see the logic in filling my closet with three pairs for every one outfit. I opted for juvenilistic comfort and grabbed my converse.

I hadn't absorbed too much caffeine today so my hands were fairly steady. Which was quite surprising since my insides were fluttering with excitement as the time drew closer. I felt nervous and I knew it was because I was excited to see Edward, soI wanted to relax though, so surely some loud music and a round of pogo-ing would fix this.

I grabbed the remote for my iPod and flipped through until I found what I was looking for. Not only were they my favourite band ever, but I was hopelessly in lust with the lead singer. If things were to not work out with the perfection that was Edward, the gentleman type would forever be ruined for me. Therefore I'd head straight for the emo kid in skinny jeans that smoked like a chimney and carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

We would live in tortured soul bliss 'til death do us part. It was best to start connecting now, so I pogo-ed all the way to my bathroom, stopping myself once I reached the threshold as I realized bouncing up and down would do nothing for the hygiene ritual I had just participated in. Edward would be here soon enough and I didn't have time for another shower. I opted instead to rub on another layer of deodorant and walk through a light sprits of perfume.

I got into my music anyway, though and the slightly militant lyrics put a spring in my step and offered up the encouragement I needed after failing to conquer the mascara wand. I'm not really a very good dancer. Most of the time I look like Elaine from Seinfeld. Halfway through an attempt at a ninja kick, I felt my nipples harden, which could only mean one thing.

My body deduced that Edward had arrived and this was its way of telling me. I gave a mental high five to my body's super sleuth skills.

I took one final look in the mirror and decided that my face was as good as it was going to get.

I turned the music off and walked out to the living room. A brief once over told me that my body had been wrong. No Edward. Disappointed, I walked over to the door and checked the peephole.

Nope. Not there either. Dammit.

I went back to my room to grab a book so I could have something to do while I waited. I rifled through my collection, unable to focus on any one title. I was completely distracted. After a few more minutes I gave up on trying to choose and walked back out to the living room, intent on watching some mindless television until he arrived.

I rounded the corner and collided with another body.

"Jesus, Bella! Could you at least try to watch where you're going when your feet are in motion?" I looked up and found the sneer of Rose staring back at me.

_The bitch was back_. Yes!

"Sorry, Rose." I wanted to hug her now that she was back to "normal", but refrained in case physical contact softened her up.

She rolled her eyes and said, "By the way, your _date_ is here." While she practically choked on the word "date", the choir began to sing for me.

_Hallelujah!_

I pushed past Rose and practically ran to the living room.

His back was turned to me, but it was a Kodak moment. I was tempted to get my camera and capture the sight of his beautiful ass in my humble abode.

_Edward and his ass are in my house. Sigh. Memories frozen in time_.

I was relieved to see that he was wearing jeans too. I was completely jealous of them and not because of the brand or color, but because they were hugging his ass perfectly. Was it possible for one to hug an ass? I wasn't really sure, but God only knew that I want to give it a little squeeze. Just a little one…

I couldn't see his shirt just yet because he was wearing a leather jacket. Just like the last time I saw him, his hair was completely unruly, making me think of a bronze version of Einstein's do. Only, Edward made that messy hair look sexy.

After a ridiculous amount of shameless staring at his backside, I cleared my throat to get his attention. He turned around and he looked…._scared?_

His face was completely ashen like he was ill. His eyes were a bit on the dull side, like someone had scribbled over their beauty with an ugly crayon. He took a step back and gave me a weak smile.

_Does he not want to go? With me?_

The elation I had felt only seconds ago was then completely gone. I cursed my oversensitive nature and myself for giving into the mascara wand as my eyes had pre-tears forming. The tears weren't quite to the point of stinging, but if I blinked, one might trickle down.

I couldn't help but feel like he was having second thoughts now that he was seeing my in the flesh after a long separation. Was I not as pretty as he remembered? Are my clothes too casual? Oh God, it's the shoes.

Rejection was an awful feeling.

Then I wondered if it wasn't me after all. Did something happen that made him upset? The lightbulb switched on. Rose had answered the door. Given the circumstances of their last encounter, the look on his face makes complete sense.

_I need to fix this._

I put on my brave face and offered a smile, being careful not to make my grin too big and scary.

"Hello, Edward. Are you okay?" I asked calmly. I hope she hadn't been too harsh with him. My eyes flew to his hands to make sure she hadn't broken any more of his fingers. They all seemed to be intact and a healthy color. I looked back up to him and saw that he seemed lost in thought, like he was in a zone, far away. His eyes were on me, but they weren't really looking at me. I waved my hand in front of his face and that got his attention. He shook his head, smiling with a grin that almost reached his eyes this time.

"Hello to you too, Bella. And yes, I'm just fine," he says softly, snapping out of his daze. I made a mental note to talk to Rose later, thinking that even though I'm comfortable with bitchy Rose, Edward is not.

He angled his body a little to the side and offered his arm for me to hook mine through. Relief washed over me and the elation was flickering back to life as I noted his change in expression.

_He's happy to see me. Me!_

Automatically, my body began to pull itself towards him like a magnet, my eyes drinking in his appearance from head to toe.

My eyes stopped halfway down from his head, though. I stared accidentally, noticing that his…other head… was happy to see me too. Immediately, I blushed and stuttered as I tried to walk. I was still surprised though and my face was hot. I almost tripped over my feet, but he reached out and wrapped his arms around my waist to steady me.

"Are you ok?" he asked, repeating my own question. His voice was low and sexy, his lips inches from my own.

I leaned into his body and placed my hands on his forearms. He smelled so good, like leather and Irish Spring. I wasn't sure, but he sort of smelled like cigarettes too.

I completely bypass his question regarding my well-being, asking instead, "Do you smoke?"

He laughed and I melted.

"No," he said. "I have, however, been known to go out from time-to-time and have been in the presence of others that do."

"You really should consider starting. It really sort of smells good on you," I replied honestly.

_I can't believe I just said that. _My mouth had opened before my brain had caught up.

_Hello McFly!_

I leaned in just a little bit further anyway, holding his eyes and licking my lips to let him know all systems were go for a kiss if he wanted one. He broke eye contact for a moment and looked down to my mouth.

And then, so quickly, a door slammed somewhere in the apartment and I experienced zero gravity as I fell to the floor.

Thud.

_Ow._

My hand instinctively reached underneath me to rub the sore spot on my bum as I grimaced in pain. I looked up expectantly at Edward, hoping he'd answer my look of distress.

"Oh shit! Bella I'm so sorry."

He scrambled to help me up as I brushed off my pants, clearing any potential flecks of carpet lint before I straightened my shirt.

I reached out to touch his arm, attempting to offer some reassurance.

"It's really ok, Edward. I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Do you want to go?" I asked.

The crease on his forehead smoothed out a bit and he offered his arm again.

"Of course. Shall we?" He waved with his free hand towards the door. I smiled and nodded.

The ride to dinner was quiet. Neither of us was speaking, the tension in the air became a little thick after several moments. I was at a complete loss for words now that we were so close, unlike my loose tongue when we're on the phone. I was running through my "lesson plans" for the evening and wasn't sure now that I could go through with it.

After all, tonight's mission was dirty talk.

That had been a great idea in my head, but that was before we had seen each other, before he'd looked like he was going to throw up when he'd seen me at my house, and before he'd dropped me on the floor.

There was no doubt that I was as nervous as him. So now, I was just really hoping that wherever we went had alcohol and not just coke or Pepsi. Sugar water infused with caffeine would do nothing to help my situation.

I chanced a glance in his direction and my eyes once again fell to his obvious bulge. I was really aiming for his face, but it was like I was being sucked into a tractor beam and his crotch was the final destination - I would have to be both blind and stupid not to notice. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was completely oblivious to the view I was enjoying, so I shifted my eyes back to the road in an attempt to purify my thoughts.

But my mission was still something I hadn't completely let go of and the road was wet from the rain...

_Wet._

The concrete was hard.

_Hard._

Both _wet _and _hard_ were on repeat in my brain and I couldn't find the stop button. I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about the first thing that came to my mind: raw chicken. Thankfully, this is distracting enough to get me thinking about the commercial where the woman wipes down her kitchen with a raw chicken. The moral of the story was to never use a sponge, as you might as well be using…you guessed it…raw chicken...

_Ew._

I was back to mulling over potential conversation paths in my head when I noticed the car came to a stop. I snapped out of my daze just as Edward angled himself out of the car. He walked around to open my door and offered his hand. I took it, of course, and loved that his hand alone had the power to make me all tingly.

I got out of the car, but he didn't let go of my hand after closing my door. Instead, he gave it a squeeze and we walked like we were a real couple. Yet another subtle reassurance to me that this was something we both wanted, and that dating him would be okay after all. I told myself, as we walked together, that we just had to get used to being around one another to see one another's body language, instead of imagining it...

I didn't recognize the restaurant at all, but it looked pretty intimate for pizza. The lighting was dim and the tables were spaced further apart than what I'd ever seen. At this point we'd still said nothing to one another, so when I heard Edward's voice speaking to the hostess, the velvety smooth baritone sound both startled and aroused me...

"Two please," he told her, effectively drawing me in like a bee to honey. I looked over to nod in agreement, but she wasn't staring at me. She was ogling Edward like a piece of meat.

I narrowed my eyes at her, but she didn't take notice, making me annoyed like I had wasted a perfectly good scowl, but continued to do it anyway. She grabbed a menu for each of us and motioned for us to follow. Well, she motioned for Edward to follow. Edward seemed oblivious to the entire scene unfolding before him. If he did notice, he didn't indicate otherwise.

Once we were seated, I grabbed a menu and went straight for the drink section.

_Wine. Thank God_.

I made a mental note to send Hallmark's best to the owner of this fine establishment in gratitude, then made my selection based on alcohol content. I flipped the menu back over to view the food selections and realized that I should probably consult with Edward since it was pizza we were supposed to be getting. The menu offered a lot of selections for toppings, as well as varying sizes to order and I had questions.

_Are we sharing? Getting our own? _

I looked up and found Edward staring at me with a very amused expression.

"What?" I asked, feeling the heat in the tips of my ears.

"You really weren't kidding when you said you were starving. For a moment there I'd thought you'd mistaken the menu for our appetizer," he chuckled.

"Well, the pictures do look appetizing, but I'm not _that_ hungry," I said in my best annoyed voice.

"Are you sure? You kind of looked like you wanted to eat the hostess too, but more in the way of chewing her up and spitting her out."

I couldn't stop the blush now. It was beyond the point of no return.

"Well," I huff as I picked up a fork and twirled it around. "Did you not see how she was looking at you?"

"You mean, like how you look at me?" Busted. I could see that he was trying to hold his laughter in because he knew that he was right.

"I don't look at you like you're something to eat," I offered nonchalantly.

"Oh? You mean you didn't stop and stare at my ass back at your apartment before letting me know you were there?"

I scoffed at his accusation.

"I wasn't there long," I mumbled.

"Long enough, though," he laughed.

I tried to narrow my eyes, but I failed because my smile was ridiculous.

"How did you know I was staring?" I challenged suspiciously. He took a sip of water and widened his grin.

"It wasn't hard to tell since you came in practically wheezing from your marathon dash. I knew you had to be staring at my ass because the wheezing stopped, like you were holding your breath or something. And I'll have you know that it was incredibly flattering. I do have a pretty nice ass," he finished, taking another sip of water as if his statement was normal.

At first, I really wanted to smack the smirk off his face, but I didn't. After a moment, I was thankful for that decision. After watching him for a few moments, I wanted to kiss him badly, but since the tension had lifted and we were slipping into the familiar comfort of our phone conversations, I didn't think either a slap or a kiss would be acceptable behavior.

I opted to laugh instead, "Yes, your ass is one of the finest I have ever seen. But don't let it go to your head, mister," I said shaking my finger at him. "It's only because you're so man pretty."

He choked on his water and a little came out of his nose. I was completely unable to stop the flurry of giggles at his expense.

"Man pretty?" His voice had raised a notch or two, making me laugh even harder. "What do you…hey! What happened to your finger?"

I looked down to find that I was pointing at him with the blackened digit from my mascara fail. I start laughing even harder at the irony of the situation since I had asked him the same question the last time we were together.

I was dying of laughter. My head was moving back and forth, while my arms had wrapped themselves around my body in an attempt to stop the shaking.

A few moments later my giggles had finally ceased and we were able to fall into easy conversation, again. There were very few pauses, even after our food came. One of us would remain talking while the other chewed or took a drink. It was a nice balance of give and take.

I was on my third glass of wine when I'd realized I had yet to engage him in Dirty Talk 101. I knew I would need to be stealthy, but I now had more questions to consider. How exactly does one go about inserting dirty talk into casual conversation, especially in a public place? _This might be harder than I thought._..

He was in the middle of telling me about the clinic he was opening in Chicago with his friend, Rob. And right then, it hit me. I could talk to him about his job. Animals have sex, right? Surely he would be able to talk about that. I doubted that their respective furry parts were referred to in slang terms, but it would be a start.

I was feeling rather pleased with myself for such an epic moment of brilliancy despite my inebriation.

_Now to see if it will work…. _

**DUN DUN DUN....Will Bella's plan work? Will she get Edward to talk dirrrrty? **

**Stay tuned kids...same bat time...same bat channel....**

**Oh yeah..since I took so long to update...you don't hafta review...unless you want to....just sayin....**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed…if I could buy you all a box of Snickers….I totally would. **

**Props to Vixen1836 for correcting my many many many many many errors and offering win suggestions for making things better. She happens to write an amazing story called Black & White. It is NOTHING like this tale of ridiculousness you are about to partake in, but a read you don't want to miss. **

**Thank you to crazyforedwardrn for sending medical jargon my way on Edward's behalf. Be sure to check out her story, Second Chances…it is listed under the "Favorites" section of my profile. **

**D.I.D. received a glowing review from the lovely Tallulah on the Perv Pack's blog…the link is on my profile if you wanna check it out…**

**People keep asking if I'm going to continue this story or if I've abandoned it. Uh....I'm just slow...**

**Back to the story….in case you have forgotten because I haven't updated since the 90's….Edward and Bella are out on their first official date. Bella's been drinking a leetle wine and wants Edward to say some very naughty things to her….**

**I mean…who wouldn't want that?**

**Bella**

Although I had actively been watching Edward's beautiful mouth moving with each and every syllable, admittedly I wasn't really listening. He was very animated when talking about his job and various procedures, which all sounded rather complicated. I would smile and nod politely, scrunch my brow when needed, catch a word here and there, and attempt to absorb the vet lingo through my Merlot-coated brain. I was particularly fascinated with his lips whenever they formed an "o". I had never before had a favorite vowel, but that was quickly changing. The seconds ticked by and I continued to drink, my cheeks getting hotter and hotter with every sip, every "o", and every thought that crossed my brain about what I could do with those "o's".

_So many possibilities._

Edward was currently explaining a very complicated sounding procedure that was a fairly new development in the veterinary world. Unfortunately, hip replacement for canines was not exactly the conversation topic I wanted to be discussing at the moment. It didn't hold nearly as much interest for me as coitus did.

_Coitus_.

I tried very hard to hold back a snicker at that word, knowing that it was only sounding hilarious to me because I was on the fast track to complete inebriation, but the more I thought about it, the funnier it became.

_COITUS!_

I let out a ridiculously loud laugh that sounded more like a bark. Tears leaked from my eyes and I was fairly certain I even snorted. I realized that Edward had stopped talking all together and was staring at me with an awkward smile and cocked brow.

_Cock_.

I absolutely could not stop my giggles as I struggled to catch my breath. Edward was chuckling along with me, but it was one of those I-have-no-idea-what-we're-laughing-about-but-I'm-going-with it moments. His participation was half-hearted, but being the gentleman that he was, he didn't want me to geek out all by myself. I wanted to give him a love punch to his shoulder….or just have sex with him. Whatever.

I was wiping the last of my giggle tears away and breathing a little more normally when he finally asked, "What's so funny?"

"You mean you didn't know?" I teased. He smirked and shook his head.

"I might not have been in on the joke, but I rather enjoyed watching you crack yourself up. You're very adorable when you guffaw," he quipped.

"Guffaw? Oh come on, Edward. That was more like an L-M-A-O moment for sure," I countered.

"Did you _really_ just use internet speak to describe your giggles?"

"Well yeah. That's what all the cool kids are doing. If you want to sit on the back of the bus you better brush up on your net lingo skills."

"I can speak 'net lingo' just fine," he scoffed, crossing his arms and leaning over the table.

"Not that I need acronyms to be cool enough for the back of the bus," he said with a straight face, a twitch at the corner of his mouth threatening to expose him.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Seriously, words are funny enough without having to abbreviate them all."

Edward sat up straight in his seat and shifted. "What do you mean?"

_Window of opportunity, Bella. Take it…take it…take it…._

"Well, just now I was thinking of a few words that struck me funny because of the context I was placing them in, but I'm sure that's not how they were intially intended. It's just interesting how vocabulary has evolved over time. A single word can carry multiple meanings."

"Do you mean like _double entendre_?" he wanted to know.

"Sort of. Well, okay, let's play a game…" I suggested.

"Ooh goodie! I love games!" he said in a falsetto voice, slapping and rubbing his hands together vigorously.

"First, you're a dork. Second, your imitation of the feminine voice is frighteningly spot- on. Are you sure you're operating with guy parts?" I joked, leaning over and pretending to peek under the table to check on that. He cleared his throat loudly and squirmed in his seat a little. He placed his hand in the middle of his chest and was rubbing it around like someone might do if they had a sore spot. His face was pained and it worried me.

I sat up. "Are you okay, Edward?"

He looked down to his hand that was still rubbing his chest and replied, "Yeah, um, I'm okay. I just," he coughed then looked up with a slight smile, "I, uh, let's play your game, shall we?" he finished as if nothing was wrong.

I wasn't entirely convinced, but didn't press further.

"Okay. I'm going to say a word, and then you respond with the first thing that comes to your mind."

"This sounds suspiciously psychological," he mused with a goofy grin, still holding his hand over his chest.

"Psssh….as if I'm really sober enough right now to be that clever."

"Okay, but if this game somehow ends up with me in tears and confessing how Emmett's pet lizard Cheebee didn't really die of natural causes when I was ten, which you are now sworn to secrecy by the way, then you have to pay for the pizza," he rambled off.

"Me? Pay? You asked _me _out, buddy. Admission of any guilt you might be carrying about Cheebee the lizard's death won't come to pass from this game. Besides," I said before taking a sip of wine, "the purse is only for show. I didn't bring money with me." I looked up at him through my lashes at his smug grin.

"I guess you'll be doing dishes then," He smirked.

"You're a lousy date."

"You're wonderful," He said huskily.

And of course he had to give me a winning smile when he said that. And a wink.

_Such a gentlemanly asshole._

"Damn you and your compliments. Let's play." Despite my attempt at pretending to be annoyed with him, I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face. He was way too adorable for his own good.

I straightened my face and placed my elbows on the table, indicating that I was ready to do this. He mirrored my actions and was in the same position.

"Okay, what are we playing again?" he asked.

Eye rolling was something I was really quite good at, so I did it for him again, only I made it really dramatic this time.

"Keerist almighty! And you call yourself a doctor."

I shook my head and clucked my tongue as if his lack of smarts was embarrassing.

He shrugged his shoulders with a flippant wave of his hand through the air.

"My intellect is far too superior to be bothered with childish games that might accidentally lower my I.Q.," he scoffed playfully.

I dropped my jaw, feigning shock.

"Oh really? So what you're saying is you can't be bothered with anything other than noteworthy topics of snobbery?"

"When you put it that way, I sound like an ass," he laughed.

"You said it, not me. And why does our conversation keep coming back to your ass?"

"That's not what we were talking about, but I'm more than happy to enlighten you with my trade secrets, which succeed in keeping it so nice and shapely."

He waggled his eyebrows and batted his eyelashes. His behavior was anything but awkward and I was really enjoying it. As far as I knew, I was the only drunk person at the table, so this was a very positive sign that his comfort with me was growing.

"And how do you know I won't sell your secrets and make it the next fad?"

I put my hands in the air as if to demonstrate myself making a headline. "For only $12.99, you can have Edward's ass."

He scoffed again and said, "My ass is worth way more than $12.99."

I looked at him in disbelief and sighed, "I don't know. It's a pretty fine ass, but I'm not sure that I'd pay more than thirteen bucks for it."

He crossed his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow. "And just who says _you_ would have to pay anything for it?"

I lowered my voice and put a hand to my mouth with a gasp. "Why Dr. Cullen! Are you saying I can have your ass for free?"

Edward un-crossed his arms, careful to leave one in place over that same spot on his chest. That was really starting to bug me, but before I could ask him what it was all about he huskily replied, "I would really like to give you a lot more than my ass, Bella."

His cheeks brightened a little with his seductive confession that literally left me breathless. I just stared at him stupidly, unable to form any kind of reply.

"Breathe, Bella..."

I released the breath I was holding and immediately felt dizzy. Apparently I'd been holding it too long. This seemed to be a common occurrence when I was around him. People don't just forget to breathe; it's an involuntary action.. When I was with Edward though, all natural actions and thought processes ceased to exist. I was either going to derive a lot of pleasure from it all or die from lack of oxygen. I was really hoping for the former.

"Are you ready?" I whispered, still trying to collect myself from his sudden innuendo.

"I'm always ready for you," he said suggestively with a wink.

I gaped at that comment, clearly surprised that he was making yet another innuendo. I remembered to breathe this time, and relaxed my face back into a smile.

"I'll keep that in mind."

I took a deep breath before I spoke next, even though I wasn't really sure what the hell I was going to say. He'd been quite playful this evening, but it was still uncertain territory for me, and I wasn't sure how far I could get him to go. More or less, I supposed I wanted to gauge his reactions to certain words that could be considered dirty.

_Lack of planning – how very Bella of me. I'll take impromptu sexual innuendo for two-hundred, Alex….._

"Okay, first word. Cock."

He didn't even flinch and responded immediately with, "a-doodle-doo," and a snicker.

_Cue the eye roll once more. _He chuckled low under his breath and waited for me to continue."

"Pussy…"

"Cat."

"Clam…"

"Shell."

"Beaver…"

"Primus."

"You like Primus?" This is new. His Dockers didn't really speak Primus. They more or less whispered Beethoven or Bach.

"Who doesn't?" He asked nonchalantly, like it was no big deal that Mr. I-can't-touch-women listened to Primus.

"Touche. Moving on…Need."

"Desire." If possible, his voice was becoming lower and sexier with every answer.

_Houston we have a problem. _That word coming from that mouth set my girl parts on fire. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to continue this little game with words like that tumbling from his full, sexy lips.

_Is it getting hot in here? _I grabbed the ice water sitting next to my wine and drank it all down.

"Want," I continued. He didn't even hesitate.

"Lust." _Like sex dipped in chocolate…._

"Sex." _Whaaaa? Way to be bold you lush!_

"Pleasure." _Yes, please. I'd like that order to go….like right now…._

He was rubbing his chest again. _It must be a nervous tic or something. Has he done that before? _I wracked my brain to think of any other time I had seen him do that, but came up with nothing. As I stared at his chest, I saw that his breathing had picked up. So had mine, but I expected that reaction when I was around him. Watching him get turned on was hot, though. Oy.

His eyes were hooded and darkened when I leaned over and breathed out, "Fuck."

I almost climaxed right then and there when he replied, "Me."

_Oh. Ok. Check please!_

But then something happened, and it happened fast. The timing could not have been worse. I opened my mouth before my brain was able to catch up and blurted out, "Pee."

Edward was jerked out of his lusty haze and looked a little grossed out.

"Bella," he started carefully. "You're not…I mean…into…that?"

_Say what? Oh no. He thinks we're still playing._

"I have to pee," I clarified intelligently. I squeezed my thighs together and closed my eyes in concentration.

_Ugh. Too much wine...the trek to my bladder was way too fast. And just when the game was getting good…_

Edward gave a cough-laugh and gestured with his hand off to the side of the table.

"By all means," he said with a smile. My cheeks were already ablaze from the alcohol and our little game, so even though it felt like blushing moment, my body was unable to distinguish between embarrassment and the current state of my hornier-than-hell mind.

I stood up and Edward did too. Just like before, my eyes zeroed in on his crotch. And just like before, there was a bulge. I made up my mind in that moment that the staring was not my fault at all. _If it weren't so big....and if I weren't so riled up already…._

Edward cleared his throat, but I made no attempt to shift my eyes. In fact, I took a step towards him and crouched down. My brain attempted to alert me of the ridiculous nature of this stance in a public restaurant, but both my lust and the wine argued right back that it was perfectly fine to crouch in front of his…crotch. My hand began to move of its own accord and rose up, pointer finger extended.

I really did have to pee, though. But I really wanted to poke the bulge. This was obviously more important.

My finger was moving closer and closer. I could hear the _Jaws_ theme loud and clear in my imagination.

_Daaa-dum....daaa-dum...._

I stopped my finger mid-air when I realized that I always had a theme song playing in my head when I did something really, really brave or really, really stupid. I was unable to decide what to call this moment, but somewhere I heard the word "no" being repeated over and over in a silent chant.

I was not about to be deterred by imaginary voices. I started moving my finger forward once more, narrowing my eyes and sticking out my tongue in concentration.

_Must. Poke. The bulge._

Although my vision was not entirely clear at the moment, and although my target appeared to be a bit fuzzy, I could see out of the corner of my eye Edward shifting his hand to cover himself. I frowned and attempted to speed up my movements, wanting to reach the bulge before he ruined my fun.

This would certainly be the 'poke-heard-round-the-world'.

_Growl. Ooh. Playful Edward was gone and had been replaced by Mister Grumpy Pants. _

"Edward, move your hand please," I asked politely.

"Bella," he whispered hoarsely. I looked up at him through one squinty eye and was met with pure, unadulterated mortification. The Merlot found it hilarious. The other part of my brain that was sobering up felt really bad for his discomfort.

The spot between my legs struggled to remain neutral, though. It agreed that the poke would have been pretty spectacular if he had let me.

I raised myself slowly and took hold of his broad, muscular shoulders as I leaned in to his ear.

"Just because you are unable to touch doesn't mean the rest of us can't."

I flicked his lobe with my tongue and heard him intake a sharp breath. Pleased that the tables had been turned after the 'fuck me' comment, I released his shoulders and brushed past him, walking in what I hoped was the direction of the restroom.

I felt his eyes on my back as I walked away, so I decided to make the walk a little sexier. I raised my head a little higher and smiled.

_Enjoy the show, Dr. Cullen_.

My ass wasn't exactly Jenny from the Block, but I knew how to move it with purpose to drive a man crazy with lust. Or at least I knew the mechanics of it all. I had seen Rose and Alice shake their bonbon's plenty when they were dressed to impress.

My next step was taken with a very deliberate swing of my right hip, only the result went a little further than I'd intended. For a fraction of a second, I was the sexiest woman in the room. That is, until I realized too late that I had swung my hip out too far and had landed very ungracefully and painfully on my knees. Fortunately, my head was spared the hardness of the floor, instead experiencing hardness of an entirely different variety.

I had face-planted in some guy's lap. A normal person might have lifted their head, regained their balance and run like hell out of there. An almost normal person might have done something similar, but instead of running they might actually have tried to save a little face by explaining the situation and embarrassing both parties further.

Me? The Merlot had spoken to me once more and suggested that it might be a good idea to stay put. So I did. I had a sneaking suspicion that Merlot was out to ruin my life. _Stupid Merlot, _my semi-sober brain cried. I rolled my head from side to side at this thought.

But I stopped doing that when the dude moaned.

I wasn't sure how long I remained in that position, but I knew I needed to do something soon. My knees were really starting to hurt and I was pretty sure the man didn't want my face attached to his junk all night. I exhaled a heavy sigh in frustration and he moaned again.

_Oops._

I felt a finger tap on my shoulder, followed by the voice that made my panties wet and my ovaries faint.

"Bella, what are you doing?" he asked, as if it wasn't completely obvious.

"Uh," I started and crotch guy moaned again. "Would you stop doing that?" I said to his dick.

"Look, lady. I can't control the reaction of my co-…" crotch guy started.

"Bella," Edward's sexy voice interrupted. "Let me help you up."

He grabbed my arm and began walking us back in the direction of our table without a second glance to the crotch guy.

"Edward," I whined. "I really really, really have to pee."

He turned to look at me with a smirk.

"Did you really think I had forgotten? That's where we're going," he laughed.

I stumbled along the way and pulled my body a little closer to him. I gripped his arm, turned on and surprised by how strong he was. I moved my hand up and down the length of it, squeezing a section here and there.

He looked down at me with an eyebrow quirked and said, "What are you doing?"

"Squeezing your arm," I admitted, wondering why he was asking all of these obvious questions.

"Let me re-phrase, _why_ are you squeezing my arm?" he wanted to know.

"Your arm feels really nice. You must work out. And your hands," I said, sliding my hands down until our fingers interlocked. I lifted our joined hands in front of us and turned them side to side, trapped in a moment of awe of how man pretty his fingers were. They were soft and well-manicured. I scowled at my own nail-bitten digits.

"Why are you frowning? Do you not like my hands?"

"Oh no," I assured him. "In fact, they're really man pretty," I giggled.

"There's the word again," he said with a fake tone of annoyance. I brought our hands up to my face and turned them so his side was closest to my lips. I kissed it. Then I kissed it again, and again. Every time my lips touched his skin I became painfully aware of the increasing ache between my legs. I let out a moan-sigh at this realization, completely fixated on his deliciously long digits. My thoughts ran away with all the wonderful potential they could offer me in the future.

_Bella's puddy twat needs a check-up, Mr. Vet._

My brain pulled back to reality as her jerked my body to a stop. I moved my eyes from Edward's man pretty hand and looked up to his even prettier face. His cheeks were a little pink and his eyes were sort of bulging.

"Excuse me?" he rasped, his lips parted and eyes wide. I really wished I had my camera at that moment. Surprised Edward was hot.

"Huh?" I responded intelligently.

"Did you…I mean…you just said…the puddy…." He sputtered as he shifted around nervously. It did not escape my notice that some of the shifting included the bulge. At first I wasn't really sure what the hell he was talking about, but then it dawned on me that my inside thoughts had in fact escaped my lips unintentionally. And he had heard them.

_Fuck me indeed._

I turned my body to face him directly and placing my hands on his chest leaned into him, our bodies less than an inch apart. I gave his face a once-over slowly with my eyes and licked my lips.

"What was that, _Dr. Cullen_?" I breathed out seductively. _No time like the present to get this party started, right? _Not caring who might be standing around us, I leaned in that much closer and murmured against his lips, "Did you want to see my puddy?" I kissed him, soft and light, resisting the urge to poke the bulge again.

_Dew eet Bella! Dew eet… _The Merlot taunted, obviously willing to take the blame later.

_Aw, what the hell. _

My right hand started moving of its own volition across his chest and took a one-way trip down, down, down his soft cotton shirt, past the belt buckle….BINGO!

_The bulge._

My hand came to a stop on top of my new favorite playground. As if they had minds of their own, my fingers started to trace the outline of the bulge, clearly blown away and impressed with the size of it because they wouldn't stop. Edward's body had gone as rigid as his erection, but his eyes were closed, his head dropped back and though his teeth were clenched, his lips were parted ever so slightly.

_Hmmm….the bulge….my love…so ready…so hard…you cannot hide from me…oh no…your resistance is futile…surrender to me…I promise to be gentle…mostly….sort of…._

"Bella," he gasped. "What…what…."

Putting my lips to the edge of his ear, I whispered, "Relax, Edward. If it feels good, enjoy it."

I continued to brush my fingers around and on top of his dick, really just wanting to squeeze it, but not wanting him to freak out. He kept his hand in place on his chest and allowed his body to relax slightly, but not enough.

He sucked in a sharp breath in the middle of one of my affectionate love touches, and exhaled a low, "Fuuuck."

Our word game had been fun, but we'd been sitting across from one another with no touching involved. That was a very hot, very non-threatening situation for him. This was a different ballgame.

Glancing around quickly, I noticed we were in an isolated hallway leading to the restrooms. The door to the ladies room wasn't a push-door; there was a handle. With a lock.

_Screw lesson plans_, _it's time for a pop quiz._

Edward's eyes were still closed, and as much as I was enjoying this moment of just watching him, the bathroom door was calling to me like a beacon of light. The longer we stayed in this hallway, the greater the risk of getting caught. I was not an exhibitionist by any means and I didn't want it to be an uncomfortable experience for Edward, but he needed to let loose and just feel. And yet, something told me that if we got busted it would only push Edward farther into his no-touching zone.

That could not happen. At all. It was enough for me to fall asleep some nights thinking about all the naughty things we could pursue together and how good it was going to be once we got to that point. I always ended up taking care of business myself, but cold, vibrating plastic had nothing on those soft, warm hands entangled with my own earlier. And that bulge…whoa baby.

_Make haste! Make haste! _

My left hand still firmly in place on his shoulder, I pushed my body closer to him and guided him backwards to the ladies room door. He opened his dark, lustful eyes somewhat. A part of me had half expected him to protest in one form or another since, but he didn't. He was still quite rigid all over and not just between his legs. Just to test him, I squeezed his little special spot and thrilled when he moaned in response. I couldn't stop my victorious grin.

_Bella's schooling Ed-ward…Bella's schooling Ed-ward…_

If any part of this went well at all, I was going to make a very large donation to the local animal shelter. All in the name of successful groping, of course.

We shuffled awkwardly and eventually reached the door with success, but I was feeling far too selfish and far too bossy to stop what I was doing. I managed to stretch up on my tip toes steadily and murmured against his lips, "Open the door, Edward." Merlot had nothing to add to this demand.

I figured I might as well give him a kiss while I was there, so I pressed my lips against his. The hand on his shoulder was itching for a field trip to explore other parts of his anatomy, so I began slowly. My hand trailed in a not-so-subtle descent across the shoulder, up his neck, to tangling in his deliciously messy hair.

The texture was so soft. I may have moaned a little against his mouth, causing both to open simultaneously. This action may have prompted my tongue to do a meet 'n greet with his, which in turn created a little more moaning.

I was a little surprised that he kept his hands at bay, one hanging stupidly by his side and the other still clutching his chest. Maybe it was like a security blanket or something. I decided not to think too much about it because, really, it didn't matter. The activities we were engaged in were far more important.

I pushed against his body once more with my own until we were flush against one another. Instead of letting his one arm remain stupidly by his side as it had been, he finally wrapped it around my waist lightly. I sensed his reluctance and pulled away from both his lips and his dick long enough to look him in the eye and tell him softly, "It's okay. This," I said gesturing to the space around us, "is okay."

He squeezed his eyes shut, almost in defeat, and pursed his lips. He tightened his grip with a little too much intensity, startling me. I might have squeaked a little in surprise and he pulled back, eyes wide and panicked, the offending arm raised up in surrender.

_Oh, Edward. If at first you don't succeed…_

Still feeling affectionately bossy, I narrowed my eyes and pulled his arm back down to my waist, attempting to convey to him once more that it was ok.

"Just like that," I whispered after placing it around me comfortably. His face relaxed and his lips turned up into that damn crooked grin.

This single act alone put my body on an automatic pilot of lust. My lips became impatient and instantly reattached themselves to his. My tongue, completely jealous of the lips, decided it needed a little attention too. Then my hand started missing his hair so it went right back up to the back of his head and slid easily into place. My other hand, almost in tears from neglect, moved in desperation back to the bulge. And I swear to God, it sighed in content once it was touching and teasing again.

Or maybe it was just me sighing in contentment. Because this was seriously the best make-out session I'd ever had.

And greedily, I wanted more.

_Bathroom damnit! Get to the bathroom! _

I pulled away from his lips again, much to my body's protest, and repeated, "Open the door, Edward. Please?" I added the please for good measure and with a tone of urgency.

I hoped he would do it this time, especially before I did something crazy in this hallway. I really didn't want to deepen his life scars.

Our bodies were so close, chests pressed together, heaving up and down with our heavy breathing. My lips were tired of talking, so Merlot begged me to go back to Edward. He was so much better than words. Missing his mouth completely, they found refuge on his neck. Even my tongue was satisfied with the new location. I could feel his chest rising and falling with every exhale, his breath hot as he panted against my ear.

He finally opened the damn door and I pushed us inside. One of his legs was wedged between my own, every step causing it to brush up and down against my thigh. That was some seriously hot shit right there.

I'm pretty sure that even my jeans were turned on.

The bathroom was dark, save for a sliver of light underneath the door once we got it closed. His hand left my had settled comfortably on my waist and I could hear him fumbling with both the lock and the light. My back was wedged between Edward's body and the door as both our hands in the middle of each other; mine on his dick and his still clutching his shirt. I had stilled my own and it remained unmoving against the bulge. The air was cool and felt nice on my over heated skin.

The hum of the lights as they flickered on and the snap of the dead bolt were the best sounds I had heard all day….

_Atta boy_…..

Pulling his face away from my own, our eyes locked. My head dropped back against the door with a soft _thud _and I gave him a very lazy smile. I was fairly certain my expression mirrored his hooded eyes and a gaping mouth. He scrunched his brow a little as he did it, watching for any signs of discomfort this time as his hand resumed its previous position.

"I like the way your arm feels around me," I blurted. _And really, your hands are free to move about the cabin. _

I wasn't sure if it was Merlot, the flickering lights, or reality, but as soon as those words left my lips, Edward's eyes went wide and black. And then, as if maybe I was living in an alternate universe, he literally attacked my mouth with his own and initiated our kiss.

If I thought our kiss before was hot, it was nothing compared to this. His lips were moving in sync with my own and his tongue was doing this thing in my mouth that I could only identify as illegal. I had never been kissed like this before in my life.

_If his tongue can do that in my mouth….good God…._

His right arm left my waist and traveled the underside of my leg, hitching it up to his hip as he pressed his body into mine.

_The student becomes the master….and it was all sorts of happy and good._

The hand I kept securely on top of the bulge began moving in rhythm with my heartbeat, which was off the charts at this point, but Edward wasn't really complaining. His mouth left mine and I whimpered a little until I felt them at my jaw and then my neck. Our breathing was heavy and hot, every exhale of my own mixing with moans and getting a bit louder with every nip and kiss he gave me. I continued to rub him up and down a little more aggressively with my palm, earning grunts and groans from him.

He pulled away from my neck and pressed his forehead against my own. We were panting into the other's mouth and I couldn't tell anymore if the oxygen I was breathing was his or my own. I noticed that he had squeezed his eyes shut again, a mixture of pleasure and pain gracing his features.

I was too excited about the entire situation to close my own, instead choosing to stare and watch his reaction as I asked, "Do you like that, Edward?"

He nodded his head slightly against my own, but didn't say anything. I frowned a little, but tried again.

"Tell me you like that, Edward. Tell me you like my hand on your co-" he cut me off with his lips and I fisted his hair tightly in response. Ending the kiss before I was ready to, he dipped his head into the nook between my shoulder and neck and let out a long, strangled groan, still saying nothing.

_Come on, Edward. Talk to me baby._

"Edward," I moaned in frustration. Patience was not a friend of mine right now. _Would it ever be with this man? _The Merlot laughed at this.

I stopped with the rubbing altogether and wrapped my fingers around what I could through his pants, squeezing and stroking.

"Unnnnhh," he groaned.

"Is that better, baby? Do you like _that_?" I pleaded with desperation. "Tell me, Edward. Please, just tell me." I knew I was sounding pathetic, but I didn't care.

I just wanted him to say something, anything. And I wanted him to move his damn hand from his chest and do something more productive with it.

"Damnit, Edward," I demanded in a growl. "Say something."

He whimpered and squeaked before quietly saying, "Bella….I….I can't."

I immediately stopped everything I'd been doing, including breathing, and pushed him away from me. I wasn't being very nice with those words and the hurt look on his face confirmed that. I released the air from my lungs in one big blow and put my hands on my hips.

"How hard is it, _Edward_, really…to just say something, anything," I seethed. "You can play little games when we're in the safety of a no-touching zone, but you can't do that in the moment?"

I felt awful as soon as the words left my mouth. What kind of a jerk was I anyway? He looked so forlorn and confused. He had asked me to help him, but the second things got hot and heavy for real, I lost my patience with him.

"Bella, I…" he started, desperation on his features.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I was…I shouldn't….look. Let's just forget it, okay? Maybe we should just go," I whispered, feeling guilty and pathetic for lashing out at him. Already, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

His shoulders slumped as he dropped his eyes to the floor. Clearly disappointed, he nodded his head in agreement.

I couldn't help but notice that he was still hard. _What the hell?_ I got a little angry again, wondering if his you-ran-over-my-puppy look was an act. Nothing was happening to still be excited over. He'd killed my puddy.

_Why shouldn't I kill his puppy_, I thought bitterly.

He looked up once more and the momentary disbelief of him was gone. He must be one of those guys that took a while to deflate. Rose informed me quite some time ago that was in fact, not, an urban legend but straight from the Porn Shop truth.

I pointed to the door and we were back to the why-did-you-kill-my-puppy look. It was definitely genuine and was breaking my heart.

"I still have to pee," I mumbled. His cheeks flamed red before he all but ran out the door.

I took care of business and while washing my hands I looked into the mirror. My image was a little fuzzy from Merlot, but I could see my glassy red eyes and blotches scattered over my face.

_Attractive, Bella. Very attractive._

I made up my mind in that moment that in order to save myself from further humiliation with this man, I needed to call it off. I couldn't even get him to say cock! I splashed some water on my face and dried my hands. Upon my exit of the bathroom, I walked quickly back to the table. My plan was to grab my purse and call Rose. I was so humiliated. I held the tears at bay, knowing that a blubbering drunk would be way worse than a normal girl cry.

_He is so going to fire me. I am the worst fake, but not really fake girlfriend-slash-touching teacher ever I'm too aggressive, I have no patience, I wasn't gentle….shit. I could take all night listing everything I did wrong. _

I reached the table and didn't see Edward. My barely restrained tears were back with a vengeance. I sniffed hard and loud and grabbed my purse. I whirled around and slammed right into Edward.

"Are you leaving?" he asked.

"That was the plan," I responded, unable to meet his eyes.

"Please don't," he pleaded. I looked up and he looked so sad I couldn't say 'no'.

"Okay" I said and sat down. I was still feeling all sorts of embarrassed for my lack of patience and sexual actions, but I couldn't help but still feel a little frustrated with Edward for not even being able to respond with more than a nod or a grunt. What the hell was that all about? I felt my guilt slip away slowly and anger return. I grabbed my wine glass and didn't drink, I just needed something in my hand.

"You know, this was your idea, Edward. You were the one that asked for my help." I kept my eyes down, choosing to focus on the red liquid swirling around and around rather than meet his eyes.

Moments ago we had been talking so freely, laughing and teasing, then kissing and touching, entering a whole new level of comfort with one another. Now, there was so much tension between us. I'd wanted to ease him into this the right way.

_Natural progression. Just like he'd wanted._

It had felt like natural progression to me, and yet we'd had some pretty hot action back there. How could he not feel that? How could he not say anything? Granted I had alcohol on my side to fast forward things a bit, but still. He had complied mostly, which meant he enjoyed it. But surely, if he wanted my help he would be able to talk to me about it, right?

I wasn't sure, but I had to open my big fat drunken and impatient mouth, foiling all plans of gentle ease anyway.

"Edward," I sighed, raising my head but still not meeting his eyes, "I know you felt something back there. I'm sorry for losing patience with you. I had this whole plan to get you to talk dirty and then I was drinking and the plan changed and we were playing this game, which was really hot by the way, and then touching and kissing and you've been hard all night so I assumed you wanted it too and then you wouldn't say anything…." I rambled. "And I got frustrated," I finished. "I mean you couldn't even say 'yes' or 'no' or 'that feels good' or 'cock'. Obviously I'm not very good with this whole teach you to touch thing, so I just don't know if "

My thought was cut short when I finally looked at him.

"Edward!" I hissed. "What the hell are you doing?"

He was looking right at me, his face impassive.

He had loosened his tie.

And he was unbuttoning his shirt. Slowly.

_One._

I started to really panic. I tossed back the rest of my wine and swallowed hard.

_Two._

Was it wrong that I was getting turned on? Probably. But here? Now? It wasjust...wrong. Wasn't it? I knew we were just in the bathroom, but _damn_. I was trying to be serious and he was taking off his clothes.

_Three._

He slowly pulled open his shirt and exposed the top half of his chest to me. Something very small and black was poking out. I recognized it immediately and pointed my finger right at it.

"Where did that come from?" I asked a bit loudly, even though I already knew the answer.

_Rose. She fucking wired Edward to scare him. No wonder he looked so panicked back at the apartment. _

I had seen the little gadget before, right after she got it for her birthday last year from her uncle. She'd told us it wasn't real and mostly for a scare tactic. I wanted to feel happy that she was looking out for me, but this was too much. She had gone too far.

"Rosalie," he whispered, confirming my suspicions. I narrowed my eyes and clenched my teeth.

"What did she tell you?"

"When I got to your apartment, she answered the door, and dragged me to her bedroom. She told me that she knew you were willing to give me a chance but she wasn't. So she taped me up with this thing and said she'd be listening. If I didn't behave myself there would be," he gulped, "consequences."

"Is that why you've been rubbing your chest all night?" He nodded.

"I thought if I did that I could muffle the conversation and she wouldn't be able to hear very well."

"Oh, for the love of…why didn't you just tell me? It's not real anyway…"

"What?" he askedflatly.

"It's not real. That whole wire thingy…"

"But I thought…with her uncle and everything…I mean…shit…this isn't real?"

"Nope," I said with a pop of the "p".

"You mean this whole time I've been….and it was….and this is…"

I nodded slowly and watched as he dropped his head into his hands. I heard what sounded like a string of curse words escape his mouth, but it was muffled.

"Did you like touching me, Edward? I mean would you have been more comfortable if you hadn't been all wired up?" I asked him.

His head popped up and a slight flush crept up into his cheeks.

"Well, yeah," he said. "I feel really comfortable with you, Bella. And that back there? Wow. I just…I was so nervous…and with all the touching…and the wire…and trying to talk dirty…I just…I don't know…the dirty talk…it would have…been different…"

"Different how?" I prodded.

"Just…different," he muttered.

I sighed in exasperation.

"See? I still can't get you to say anything," I sighed. "God, Edward. I…this isn't a game to me. I'm really trying to help, but I'm seriously lacking patience here. You say you feel comfortable with me, but then you still hold back and it makes me feel like you don't mean what you say."

Frustrated, I stood up from the table and made my way out to the parking lot, not bothering to wait for him. I stood outside his car on the passenger side and watched him approach a few minutes later. He was carrying a box mostly likely containing our pizza since we hadn't eaten yet, and had a frown on his face.

He opened my door and neither of us said anything as I angled myself into my seat. The pizza box was tossed into the back seat and then he climbed in and started the ignition. I was staring straight ahead, but felt him look over at me for a long moment before finally putting the car in motion and pulling out of the lot.

The silence was deafening, but I was too stubborn to speak up first. Thankfully he finally did.

"Bella," he said, his voice low and dark. When I turned my head to look at him, I noticed his grip on the steering wheel was so tight his knuckles were white. Even in the dim light of the car, I could see his look of determination

"Ed-"

"The thought of my erect penis inside your vaginal canal makes me want to ejaculate.

When I become sexually aroused, the blood vessels in my penis will contract giving me an erection. I can then have sexual intercourse with you by putting my penis inside your vagina. If I move in a back and forth motion, I will be able to feel pleasure. You may experience pleasure also, depending on what part of your anatomy I might touch with my movements. If I touch your clitoris you may experience orgasm."

I was stunned, shocked….completely and totally aroused. It was like he had just quoted from a medical textbook, something that should not in any way be hot. Ever. Never in my life had medical speak turned me on. But when the phraseology was executed in deep, rich tones that reverberate all through my body and clouding my brain….

_Whoa._

"Edward," I reached over and put my hand on his leg. His face softened and his grip on the wheel relaxed. "That was the most awkwardly, insanely hot thing anyone has ever said to me," I told him sincerely.

His eyes snapped to mine, a half-grin on his face. "Really?"

I smiled back. "Really."

He moved one of his hands from the steering wheel and placed it over mine. I flipped mine upwards and laced our fingers together. I was grinning happily like an idiot and suddenly felt anxious to get him somewhere dark and quiet, preferably with a bed.

Edward had the same stupid grin plastered on his face.

Something told me that getting him to agree to lesson #2 wasn't going to be much of a problem.

"So, Dr. Cullen, the night is still young. What are your thoughts on…dessert?

**Dayam….I dunno about you kids, but dessert sounds pretty good to me….**

**When you're done with your read here…and if you start to feel impatient for updates…cuz I'm slow like that…check out _I Hate You, Kiss Me_ by the lovely stacy bumblebee.**

**Not only is she an amazingly nice person who for some crazy reason actually seems to like me…her story is crazy good. It is also listed under my "Favorites"….I guarantee you will not regret it…. **

**I've already said it a lot, but seriously, check it out. I don't pimp out bad stories. Ever. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Check this out…two updates in one month….I need a prize….**

**HUGE thanks to all that have stuck with me this far and still leaving me little bits of love here and there….and for all the new kids that have found this disaster somewhere….you are all win….**

**Big bottle of Merlot to vixen1836 for her beta brilliancy…**

**EPOV**

The remainder of the drive back to Bella's apartment from the restaurant was…._torture._ Dinner was an interesting event; it was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. From dirty word games to making out; my mother would be proud. Not that I was going to tell her, God only knew encouragement in the way of my personal life was the last thing she needed.

_Ah,_ Bella and her drunken adorability factor. I knew what she was doing when she started to play that word game at the table. It was sexier than hell to hear those words tumble from her lips. I had heard them before countless times in various settings, but they weren't words that normally appealed to me vocally. Sure, I could think them in the privacy of my own mind; maybe even say them out loud in the proper setting. But they certainly weren't included in my everyday vernacular like Emmett.

I couldn't resist teasing her a little bit along the way as well, offering non-sexual answers at first. That is, until she said 'fuck'. I answered with 'me' before I could stop myself. The night had only progressed from there, complete with a few bumps in the road thanks to my touching issues and her nasty roommate, Rose. _Rose…_

Bella seemed to be quite fond of Rose, even telling me she was really sweet once one got to know her. _Sweet_ was not the adjective I would personally pick for that wretched little tart, but I was willing to try for Bella. Rosalie already loathed me from her assumptions she had made. That and the fact she had been exposed to my family's insanity first hand. I'm not sure that I would be very impressed with me either, but her methods of disapproval were a tad extreme.

_Tad? The woman is completely and utterly crazy, and scarier than hell. Your balls shrink just to think about her._

I absentmindedly looked down at my lap to see if this was in fact, truth. My balls might be shrunken, but my dick certainly was not. I had been painfully hard for quite some time now and had given up trying to hide it. Bella had noticed right away early on in the evening. But then, so did Rosalie.

The second she opened the door her eyes made a beeline for my groin area. Disapproval and annihilation were written all over her face. She all but yanked me inside the apartment, whisking me away to what I realized was her bedroom. The room was cold and impersonal, much like Rosalie. A quick glance around confirmed what I was already aware of. This was not a woman to mess with. Ever.

In the midst of her threat and wiring me up with the promise of listening to my date with Bella, the "kit" she had rolled out on her bed was full of contraband items I recognized from a Dateline special. That should have been an erection killer right there, but it wasn't. Although I was painfully aware of the fact that I _still_ had the damn thing, I looked down for physical confirmation.

_Damnit, Esme. You are a strange little woman. _

Despite it all, the panic and suffering I had experienced throughout the night when I would remember Big Mob-Affiliated Sister was listening in, I had deemed the date a success. Frustrations were expressed and confessions were made. It was confirmed to me yet again how truly wonderful this woman sitting next to me was.

We were not quite halfway to her apartment and the air was thick with sexual tension. I thought about turning on some music, but couldn't quite bring myself to reach for the knobs. My hands remained in place on the steering wheel. The silence was deafening and I was hyper-aware of every squirm, every shift, every throat clearing. I wracked my brain for conversation topics, but didn't really know how to follow up with small talk after expressing my sexual desires textbook style.

_Gah. Did I really do that? Yes, Edward, you did. You said 'penis'. And 'vagina'. And blurted out in very specific terms how you would like to join the two. _

Bella had actually taken the declaration rather well, considering it was far from romantic or sexy.

Currently she was holding my hand, rubbing her thumb over my knuckles and stealing lustful glances. Occasionally her grip would tighten and she would exhale slowly, almost as if she were trying to remind herself of what was coming.

And…what was coming? Though I was enjoying the many, many perverse and erotic thoughts of Bella running through my head, I was completely unsure that I would be able to get much farther than making out and minimal groping. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and knew better than anyone I still had a long way to go. There had been some steps forward made this evening, but not enough that I could say I was completely confident and ready to take the next big step.

Although I was certain Bella would be more than willing to help me long, I had already experienced her impatience and was not ready for another round. I wanted her so badly, but I was terrified of failing her. I hoped her expectations weren't set too high for the remainder of our date.

_It was very possible if we could settle in for a movie and I could hold her close in a dark setting…_

If anything I knew there would definitely be more kissing. I could handle kissing. My eyes darted over to Bella and stopped at her lips. Her lips were soft and full, the bottom part always a bit jutted out. If it was possible to have a crush on someone's tongue, Bella's would be it for me.

_I heart your Lingua. I have a particular favoring for both the genioglossus and styloglossus muscles; they stimulate and tantalize my own, creating sensations that travel straight to my erectus phallus…._

I snapped out of my lip-induced trance and shifted my gaze back to the road. The light ahead had changed from green to yellow, so I slowed the car to a stop once it finally turned to red. I couldn't stop thinking about her mouth, so I turned my head once more to look at her. Our eyes met and it wouldn't be too far off to assume that she had been thinking the same thing. Her eyes were wide and her breathing picked up. She licked her lips and started to lean over the console. The excitement of the moment coursed through my veins. My chest was tight with anticipation and I felt like I was going to explode. I began to lean over as well, breathing in everything that was Bella, excited to taste her once more.

I could feel her breath on my face, her own inches away. My eyes zeroed in on her lips, her little pink tongue darting out to lick them once more.

_Oh for the love of cherry chapstick Cullen…HURRY!_

I tilted my head to the side and leaned in further. She was so close I could practically feel her little smile before my lips brushed softly against hers. I heard her gasp and I pulled away, startled at her reaction. Feeling panicked that I had done something wrong, I searched her eyes for any sign of offense and found none. She chuckled low and soft, then startled me once more by grabbing my collar and pulling me back to her.

_Give it to me baby_

_Uh-huh, uh-huh_

_And all the girlies say, "I'm pretty fly for a white guy."_

The obnoxious vocals that were _The Offspring_ blasted through my cell phone, prompting both Bella and I to jump.

_Damnit._

I smiled apologetically at a blushing Bella before turning my attention to the phone secured to my dash. Without thinking twice about it or possible repercussions, I pressed the speaker phone button and answered, "Hello?"

"Dude! What's up bro?" Emmett boomed. I rolled my eyes in response, already regretting having him on speaker. If I kept it quick, it was possible I wouldn't have to deal with anything too embarrassing.

"Hello, Emmett. What do you want?"

"Hello yourself, Snobward. What's with the cold shoulder?"

I sighed. "I'm on a date, Emmett, and it would be nice if you could just tell me what you want." I reached for Bella's hand and gave it a little squeeze, an apology of sorts for my brother.

"You're on a date? With a girl?" he questioned.

"Jesus, Emmett. Of course it's with a girl."

He paused. "Are you sure?"

"I'm hanging up now," I threatened.

"Dude, I'm just sayin'. Remember when I went to Amsterdam for graduation? And that chick I was getting my freak on with in the alley next to the bar?"

"Emmett…" I warned.

"I was just getting ready to take her for a ride on the Whirl and Curl and all of a sudden I'm reaching in and realize I can't find the park entrance-"

"Emmett," I said a little bit louder.

"…So I'm all, 'what the fuck' until I scoot my hand back a little farther and bam! She's a tucker."

"Emmett!" I yelled louder than I intended.

I could see Bella's jaw drop out my peripheral vision, her head slowly turning to face me as she mouthed, _a tucker?_

I pinched the bridge of my nose and exhaled loudly, completely appalled that he had shared the He-She Amsterdam experience. "Emmett, that's hardly conversation to be having in the presence of a lady," I scolded, wishing he would get to his point already.

"Look, I know I tease you about being a pussy and all, but calling yourself a lady…"

"I meant my date, Emmett. She's in the car with me."

"Hi Edward's date," he said like he was twelve.

"Hi Emmett," Bella responded shyly.

"Holy shit there is a girl in the car!" he laughed. "Oh man, I thought you were trying to be all manly for a second so I wouldn't give you shit."

"Like it's ever stopped you before," I mumbled. "Tell me again why you're calling."

Ignoring my request completely, he continued, "So Edward's date, I'm Emmett, Edward's way cooler older brother. What's your name little lady?"

"You think you could be any more lame, Em? Maybe offer her a little candy to go with that?"

"Shut up, Edward. I wasn't talking to you," he said gruffly. Softening his tone, he asked again, "So date, what's your name?"

"I'm Bella. We've met before actually. Briefly." I could see she was biting her bottom lip and her hand that wasn't holding mine was fidgeting.

"We have?" Emmett questioned.

"Yes, in Edward's office," she responded quietly.

"Bella, Bella, Bella…" he was muttering, almost to himself. "Oh right! You're 32C," he said proudly. "Definitely not a tucker," he added not so discreetly.

"Excuse me?" was Bella's alarmed reply.

"Size 4, 32C, page 27, Victoria's Secret fall catalog, item A."

Bella and I both stared at the phone completely dumbfounded. She spoke first.

"How did you-"

"It's a gift," he replied.

"But I was wearing clothes?" she questioned with a look on her face that wondered if he had somehow gained access to her underwear drawer.

"Like I said, it's a gift." Emmett's tone was hushed and humble, as if this was something Jesus himself had blessed him with.

"Anyway, dude, you know that think I've been waiting for? You know…_the thing_?" He asked seriously.

"Um, yeah," I answered awkwardly. I knew what it was but I didn't want to say it out loud. Bella was most likely overwhelmed as it was by this conversation and that would be strange to her, but tragically familiar to me.

"It fucking arrived today!" he exclaimed.

"Emmett, please watch your language."

"Cheese and rice, Edward. What are you, my mother?" he groaned.

"So basically you're just calling to let me know that your package arrived," I said flatly.

"Well yeah," he scoffed. "It's even better than I thought it would be!"

"Ok, Em, that's great. Listen, I'll come by tomorrow to see it," I told him quickly, wanting to hang up and make up this humiliating moment somehow to Bella.

"Tomorrow?" he whined. "That's _forever_ away."

"I'm on a date."

"And?" he replies, obviously not caring.

"That's rude." I turn and smile apologetically at Bella. "I'm not going to abandon my date so I can come over and see your new toy." Bella nudges me and mouths _it's ok_. I immediately shake my head 'no'. This date is far too important to me. I never should have answered the damn phone.

"Beeellllaaaa," Emmett complains. "Can Edward come out and play?"

Bella laughed and it makes me feel better knowing that she is finding this humorous. She hadn't let go of my hand either.

_Dear baby Jesus, please don't let my crazy family or my unnatural issues drive this woman away. I like her. I really, really like her. _

"Emmett," I said. "I'll be there tomorrow."

"Oh come on dude. Please. Pleeeeease, please, please, pleeeeease."

I wanted to smack my head on the steering wheel.

"Emmett," Bella started, effectively alarming me with her intervention and shutting him up. "We were just heading back to my apartment. Why don't you just meet us there?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. After all this crazy conversation, she _offered_ to let Emmett come over?

"Edward," Emmett said in his best fatherly tone. "I know how emotional you can get and don't want to make this harder than it already is." He blew out a heavy breath into the phone and said, "I think I'm in love with 32C Bella."

At that moment, she tossed her head back and laughed. I mean, really _laughed_. It was loud and hearty and anything but feminine. I loved it. I was still uncertain about the entire situation. It wasn't so much the idea of Emmett meeting us as it was what I knew he was bringing that allowed the panic to really set in. Bella squeezed my hand and whispered, "If we're going to do this, your family is part of the package, right?"

_Oh my God. You have no idea._

I couldn't believe how thoughtful she was. "You're incredible, you know that?" I told her sincerely, looking at her in admiration.

"It's only because…I like you so much."

"Jesus, you two are disgusting," Emmett interrupted.

"Shut up Emmett. If you want to come over…"

"All right, all right. I'll be nice. What's the address?"

I started to tell him, but he stopped me saying, "Hang on a sec, dude." It sounded like he dropped his phone. There was muffled movement in the background and then it was all quiet except for what sounded like Emmett grunting.

"What is he doing?" Bella whispered. "Is he like, lifting the couch looking for a pen?"

I shrugged. Knowing Emmett, it could be anything.

The grunting continued, followed by an 'oh yeah'.

_Oh. My. God. Are you fucking kidding me?_

"Edward-" Bella started. I couldn't even look at her. I was mortified.

"Ok, I'm back," Emmett offered nonchalantly.

"Emmett, tell me you didn't just-"

"What? It's a completely normal, healthy activity-"

"Not when you're on the phone!"

"Yeah, well not everyone was on a date tonight, _Eduardo._ I have needs too…."

"It couldn't wait until _after _you hung up?!" I was practically screeching. Bella had turned her head to the window, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

"I can't control when it happens. When it's there, it's there man."

"God, you're sick."

"So you've mentioned…now, give me that address..."

I hesitated to give it to him, ready to just hang up on him. Bella gave it to him instead, a huge grin on her face the entire time. Unbelievable. The conversation finally ended at that point and the car was silent, save for Bella's soft snickering.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Your brother. Is he always like that?" She giggled.

"Unfortunately, yes. Bella, I am so sor-"

"Edward, before you start apologizing and getting all serious about what just happened, it's okay. Your brother is who he is and regardless of the direction of conversation, it would have been rude not to answer. He's obviously very excited about whatever he got. It's very sweet that he wanted to show you so badly." Her expression was soft and sincere. Mine was not. I could feel my face scrunch up in disbelief.

"Sweet? Sweet?! Trust me when I say that it is anything but sweet. Emmett….there are no words for him. He is the apple that fell farthest from the family tree." She pulled her hand from mine and placed it on the back of my neck where she stroked her fingers up and down in a soothing manner. My skin tingled on contact, giving me gooseflesh from her touch. It had to be the next best thing to heaven. The feel of her soft skin rubbing against mine in a sweetly simple gesture left my entire body pulsing with desire. I couldn't help but wonder if that's how it felt when she touched my neck….

_If she ever sticks her hands down my pants I'm pretty sure I'm going to die right there. Death by Bellagasm. _

"We all have a little bit of crazy in our families. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Don't worry so much. He's a little…loud and…perverted….but it's not like I've never been exposed to that sort of behavior. Look at Rose."

I contemplated her words for a minute; feeling oddly reassured that I was not the only one associated with crazies. It didn't stop the guilt about exposing her to Emmett, though. It might have been an inevitable encounter if, by the grace of God, this relationship continues. But so soon? It's only our first date…

I pulled in front of her apartment complex and angled myself out of the car, walking around to open Bella's door shortly after. I offered her my arm, but she took my hand instead. Her hands were so small and delicate….looking. I knew that it was nothing short of a lie. I had felt them run over my body and attach themselves to a certain part not so long ago, and her grip was gloriously strong. A delicious shiver ran through me at the thought. I really wanted to be ready for this moment. _Dessert._ It couldn't be that bad, right? Is it possible for dessert to be bad?

We made our way to the elevator and exchanged ridiculously happy and lustful glances back and forth the entire ride up. When we arrived at her floor, we began to walk down the hall at a fairly steady pace, but I slowed it down the closer we got to her door. Still holding hands, Bella was a few steps ahead of me.

She turned around and asked, "Edward, what's wrong?"

I came to a complete stop and pointed down the hall to her door. "Is Rose still home?" I whispered hoarsely.

She rolled her eyes in response and started pulling me in that direction once more. "Don't worry, Superman. I've got your back." I knew my hesitation was quite obvious as she was practically dragging me down the hall at this point. I did not want to see Rose in any capacity. We stopped in front of Bella's door and I released her hand so she could get her keys out of her purse. I backed up against the opposite wall and turned my head in both directions to plan my escape route should it become necessary.

The elevator would be out of the question. There was no telling what floor it would be on. The wait alone for the doors to open would seal my death for sure. The other end of the hall held an emergency exit with a flight of stairs. My legs were long and I was fast. As long as I had no obstacles in my way I could make a clean getaway. Rose would have to get around Bella first, giving me at least a two to three second advantage. And if she were wearing heels….

I heard the click of the lock and Bella turned to me once more. "Edward, would you stop being so dramatic. She's not going to kill you. She might threaten you, but I swear I won't let her touch you." Her eyes raked over the length of my body, down, then back up until she was eye to eye with me again. "That's my job," she winked.

I blew out a breath I didn't know I had been holding and bent over to put my head between my legs. Being this close to the gates of hell made me nauseous.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. _

"Edward? Oh my God, are you okay?" I felt Bella place her hand on my back and rub circles.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I answered with my head still between my legs. "I just, uh, yeah, I got a little sick. I might be having a reaction to the pizza or the imminent possibility of losing my balls. I'm not sure. Though, in case it's the latter I thought I might say goodbye to the boys." I lifted one hand from my knee and offered a farewell salute to my crotch.

Rose was going to castrate me for sure if she saw that Eduardo was still loud and proud. Once again I cursed my mother. This was all her fault, really.

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

Bella crouched down and placed her finger under my chin, forcing me to look at her. I didn't pull my head up all the way, but enough that I could see the pleading look on her face.

"Edward, I promise that nothing will happen to you." Her voice was calm and even, her eyes sincere. I closed my eyes briefly and nodded. I started to pull myself up, keeping my head down. I knew the blood would rush to my head if I stood too quickly, making me disoriented and at a disadvantage if I still had to flee. I needed all my faculties and reflexes on the ready.

I exhaled one last time in preparation and began to raise my head ever so slowly. A pair of shoes appeared in front of me and I realized that Bella was no longer beside me.

_But Bella wasn't wearing red stilettoooh shit…._

My head popped up and I dizzied immediately. My eyes were still adjusting when the blurred image of the Antichrist was standing before me with red-stained lips and a colgate smile. The blood was pounding in my ears, muffling all sounds. My legs willed me to turn and run but my body argued that it was not possible in my current state. I would have the grace of a bull in a china shop. Defeat was at hand. I had no choice but to surrender.

_Fuck that. Run you stupefied bastard! Run!_

I pushed my body off the wall and crossed my left leg over to the right in an attempt to get the hell out of there. A hand grabbed my shoulder and whirled my body around, dizzying me once more.

The smile widened….

_Black. _

_Why is it so dark in here? _

_What are all those little floaty circles? _

_Oh my God. Am I dead? I'm dead. Holy shit, I'm dead. If I'm dead, why does my face hurt so bad? Maybe if I just turn my head a little…nope, that still hurts. Okay. So I'm not dead. What happened?_

I felt my eyes opening slowly, only to find Emmett's face inches from my own.

I was afraid to open my mouth because my jaw was so painful, but I had to know. "Is this hell?" I managed to ask.

"Dude! You got knocked the fuck out! I saw the whole thing man. Fuck! I wish I had my video camera! It was awesome, she was like 'oh yeah' and you were like 'oh no' and she was like 'fuck that' and you were like 'oh shit' and she was like _kapow_....right in your mother fucking face. God, you're a pansy." He grabbed my arm and pulled me up. Looking around I found no sign of either Bella or her felonious roommate.

I felt frantic, immediately feeling the need to call the police. "Where's Bella?"

Emmett nudged his head in the direction of their apartment. "Don't get your panties in a twist, princess. She's inside with Rocky."

I looked over to him and couldn't understand how it was that he was so calm when a homicidal maniac was on the other side of the door. "What are you…how…when…I mean…ouch." My jaw ached with every movement.

"I was coming over to see you, remember? Just as I get out of the elevator, I saw her clock ya. Man, she's got a killer right hook."

I rubbed my jaw. "Tell me about it."

"Okay. So she pulled back like this," he started, pulling his arm back to demonstrate.

"I didn't mean for you to really tell me about it, Emmett. "

"I know you didn't you dumb shit. I'm just yanking your chain." He crossed his arms across his chest and stared at the door for a moment before he spoke.

"Edward?" he asked quietly.

"What, Emmett."

"It's pretty quiet. What do you think they're doing?" His brow was furrowed in concern.

"I'm going to guess talking." He turned around to me quickly, surprise and disgust etched in his features.

"_Talking?_ Like, with words and shit?"

"Yes, Emmett," I spoke slowly. "Talking. With words."

He huffed in annoyance and turned his attention back to the door.

Curiosity got the better of me. "What did you think they were doing?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. The way they were both fired up, I thought that maybe they might be, uh…going at it."

"Fighting?"

"No man. Like," he started to gyrate his hips, "_going at it._"

"Oh for the love of…do you ever not have sex on the brain?"

He shrugged. "Not really."

We stood there staring for a few minutes longer. I had resigned myself to the fact that my date was over and I wasn't going to see Bella again for the rest of the night. If ever again.

The door opened and Bella stood in the entryway. Her face was flushed and her hair in disarray. I glanced over to Emmett and watched his eyes widen and his jaw drop to the floor.

His eyes met mine, a slow-spreading grin covering his face.

We both turned back to face Bella, only to find that Rose had joined her in the doorway. Emmett put both of his hands together in a prayer-like fashion against his chest and raised his head to the ceiling, muttering something about 'baby Jesus' and 'thanks for the tits'.

Rose's eyes shifted back and forth between Emmett and I, finally stopping on me, or to be more exact, my groin area.

Her eyes narrowed. Emmett noticed where she was looking and pointed.

"Looks like you've got a little problem there, Eddie."

"It's not little," Bella whispered, earning a gasp from Rose.

"You can thank mom for that one," I mumbled, mostly to myself.

Emmett snickered. "You dipped your fingers in her pie, didn't ya?"

I nodded.

"Oh man. Was it warm? I bet it was warm. Mmm…I love eating that shit off my fingers," Emmett moaned. Using his right hand, he made an upward thrusting motion and curled his fingers around a few times before taking them back to his mouth and proceeding to make loud sucking noises. "Oh yeah," he grunted, tossing his head back then reaching down to adjust himself. "It gets me excited too."

"Wait. Your _mom _gave you an erection?" Rose shrieked.

Emmett busted up laughing. "No, no, no! It's not like that!" I cried.

"You mean…that's not…." Bella said pointing to my dick. "That's not…from me?" She looked so sad.

"Oh Bella, of course it's from you," I tried to assure her.

Rose took one step towards me, her eyes wider than ever.

"But not entirely," I countered myself. Bella's face fell even more. "But you did in a way because you always get me hard," I pleaded franticly, knowing I was digger a deeper grave for myself.

Rose raised her fist and took another step forward.

"B-but it was mostly Esme's fault this time," I stammered while backing up. I heard Bella sniff.

"It's almost impossible for me to _not _be hard around you, Bella," I said looking around for an escape.

I knew it was only a matter of time before she tried to hit me again, so I darted over to Emmett and started to use him as a human shield. The bastard was still laughing until he realized he was sandwiched between me and Rose, who was struggling to get a hold of me. She was reaching out wildly, trying to grasp any part of me that she could to get me away from Emmett.

"Calm down there, Rocky," he said.

Apparently she didn't like that too much as she lunged forward a second later and he raised his arms up in surrender. "Before you kill Edward, let me explain. Esme likes to sneak a little Viagra in her apple pie for Carlisle. Edward must have had a piece...._obviously_," he snickered, "and now he's sporting wood. What's the big deal?"

"Who's Carlisle?" Rose demanded.

Emmett shrugged. "Our dad."

"So let me get this straight," Bella says looking a little more collected and relieved. "Your mom laced her pie with Viagra and you had some and now you have…the bulge. When did you eat this pie?"

"Yesterday," I peeked out from behind Emmett.

"Wait," Rose lowered her fist. "What's your last name again?"

"Holy Christ! How much did she put in there?" Bella cried.

"Cullen," Emmett answered.

Rose waved her hands wildly in front of her to cease all conversations. "Wait. Stop. Are you telling me that your dad is _the _Carlisle Cullen? _The _Hot Bitch of Seattle?" Emmett pursed his lips and nodded. Rose put her hand over her heart and stumbled backwards, as if she was might faint. "He's fucking legendary. I thought he was a myth or something," she mused humbly. "Oh my God he has ED?!?"

"Shhh....not so loud," Emmett said looking around to make sure no one overheard. "He doesn't have ED. Sometimes….when he and Esme toke up…she just wants to make sure that uh…that he's ready to go for hours."

"Your mom smokes pot?" Bella looked at me.

Rose was fanning herself, a look of disbelief and awe gracing her features. "I can't believe your dad is the Hot Bitch…"

"What's a Hot Bitch?" Bella asked.

"Not _a _Hot Bitch, Bella. _The _Hot Bitch. Do you listen to me ever?" Rose was clearly exasperated.

"I listen to you all the time, Rose," Bella replied. Rose looked at her as if to say 'yeah right'.

"Yeah, ok. I only listen sometimes. So you know their dad?"

Rose put both of her hands on Bella's shoulders. "Bella, dear," she sighed. "I have so much to teach you. I don't know Carlisle Cullen, I only know of him. The man is so hot he could be held responsible for global warming.

"O…kay, but that still doesn't explain who he is or what he does? What is he famous for?" Bella shrugged her shoulders.

"He's not really famous for anything. He's simply known for being hot," Rose explained matter-of-factly.

"That's it? He's just…hot?" Rose shook her head and let go of her shoulders.

"So hot he makes the devil sweat." Rose crossed herself and appeared lost in thought.

Emmett rolled his eyes and cleared his throat loudly. He reached into his pocket and took something out. Opening his palm in front of him, he said, "Anyway bro, check this shit out." I peered over his shoulder to look.

I heard Rose first. "Wait. Is that the..."

"Yes it is," Emmett responded proudly.

"But I thought they only made a handful. How did you get that?" She was eyeing him suspiciously, but her mouth was twitching into a smile of excitement. Bella was standing behind her, almost identical to my position behind Emmett.

"What is that?" she asked innocently. Rose and Emmett both looked at her like she was crazy.

"Bella," Rose turned back to look at the quarter-sized gadget in Emmett's hand. "That….that is the future," she whispered.

"Once again, I'm completely lost," Bella sighed.

"I hold in my hand the future of sex toys. I give you….the Creaminator 9000. No batteries needed. This bad boy reads your body and knows exactly what you need," Emmett claimed like a proud father.

"Can I touch it?" Rose wanted to know.

Emmett looked her over and hesitated. "What's in it for me?"

"I won't kill your brother."

Emmett snorted. "You're going to have to do better than that."

Rose leaned over and started whispering in his ear. I watched in amazement as Emmett's face transformed from a know-it-all smirk to retarded lust. He jumped back suddenly in alarm and yelled, "You can _do that_?! Woman, where have you been all my life!" He handed the toy over to Rose without further question and they stared in awe like it was the fucking holy grail.

Feeling a little safer with Rose focused on Emmett's new toy; I backed away from Emmett to lean against the wall. My jaw still hurt like a bitch and my dick was painfully harder than it had been all night from the excitement of my near death experience.

Bella walked over and put her hand on my arm. "Do you need to go to the hospital, Edward?" Her voice was so sweet and full of concern.

I looked up and gave her a half-smile since one-half of my face was swollen and hurting. "No, no. Maybe just an ice pack or something for this," I said pointing to my jaw.

"No, I didn't mean for that," Bella blushed. "I meant for…that," she said pointing to my dick.

"Oh." It was my turn to blush.

"It's been more than four hours, Edward," she continued. "Have you tried…"

"Yes," I rushed out. "Several times."

Bella's eyes darkened and she quirked an eyebrow. "How many times is several?" I started counting on my fingers, but stopped when she said, "Maybe some dessert will help?"

My eyes snapped to hers and she giggled. We were both blushing like crazy. She was biting her lip and reached out for my hand, motioning for me to follow her into the apartment. Rose and Emmett were still ooh'ing and ahh'ing over the mother of all masturbators, so we were able to slip by them unnoticed.

We entered the apartment and Bella closed the door behind her. She directed me to the living room while she went into the kitchen. She returned a moment later with a bag of frozen peas and a small box of something else.

"Come on," she said, leading me around the corner to….her bedroom?

I followed her in and she closed the door. I heard the click of a lock and spun around.

She smiled and gestured for me to sit on the bed. I stared at it for a moment, unsure if I really wanted to do that. I decided to check the lock on the door instead. I flipped it back and forth a few times and pulled on the door handle, needing to assure myself there was no way Rose or anyone else could just barge in.

"Happy?" I heard Bella say.

"Very," I said walking over to the bed.

She was already propped up against the headboard and patted the space next to her. I sat on the edge of the bed and removed my shoes first, then propped myself into position next to her.

She handed me the bag of peas. I placed them against my jaw and hissed at the stinging sensation.

"Oh, poor baby," she cooed. She reached up and started stroking the side of my face gently. I leaned into her touch and smiled at the level of comfort we were sharing in that moment. It was nice.

My body relaxed with her touch and I wondered quietly what it might be like to stay like this with her all night. Being with Bella was so easy. There was no one else like her. I had never experienced a level of comfort or calm like this with anyone else in my life. It was….refreshing.

She continued to stroke my cheek and then her breath was hot on my ear. "How about some dessert?" she whispered seductively.

My eyes flew open and my body jumped in reaction, causing me to fall off the bed. I scrambled to my feet and backed up against the wall. Bella had not moved from her position on the bed and was looking at me funny.

"Edward, what the hell?" My mind was racing as to how I would answer her. Sure, a hand job from her would be really nice, but there was no guarantee my hard-on would go away and I wasn't sure I was ready for that step just yet. And Rose was still out there….

I put my hands over my dick protectively, fearing castration.

"Well…you just…you were…dessert….and then….and we….but she….my balls….I don't want to lose my balls…."

"Jesus, Edward. It's just dessert," she said reaching over to her nightstand and grabbed the box she had been carrying earlier.

_Creampuffs. How appropriate._

I laughed nervously and wandered back to the bed. Resuming my earlier position, I stared straight ahead, too embarrassed to look at her. She grabbed my jaw gently and turned me towards her.

She held a creampuff up and asked, "Would you like one, Edward?"

"Yes, thank you."

I took a bite and chewed slowly, unsure of what to do or say next. I closed my eyes and dropped my head against the headboard when Bella kissed my cheek.

Leaning her head on my shoulder, she whispered, "You know, I'm really glad I saved you, Edward."

I turned and kissed the top of her head. "Me too, Bella. Me too."

**I sort of feel like Nelson from The Simpsons….HA HA….**

**Yeah I know that you were maybe hoping for something more…a different sort of dessert perhaps….pervs….but really….don't you think the poor guy just needed some cuddle time?**

**The Hot Bitch is a shout-out to Ninapolitan…cuz I know she has a leetle thing for Peter/Carlisle…and just cuz I love her...**


End file.
